Guys, I'm losing my mind...and I'll state that I've always had a problem with being an asshole, I always put too much care into everyone else instead of myself.

Been separated for 14 months now and she asked me to give her some time before doing the legalities. Married 20 years and 3 children together. I called it quits because I was so unhappy and just waiting for myself or something stress related to take me out.

I live in a neighboring state because of work and go home every other weekend to see the kids. When I go to visit, I stay at the house and I am crawling out of my skin with anxiety the whole time I'm there and counting down to when I get to leave to come back to my place. It takes me over half of my several hour drive back just to level off again.

She was/is a stay at home mom, homeschools the children, and works part time a few nights a week. I still pay for everything. I thought by her asking for time before the legalities she was planning to do something like, find a job maybe, prepare for what's coming, hell I don't know! She has done absolutely jack fucking shit except tell me how we are just blowing through money. Let me clarify that I buy gas once a week, pay my utilities at my apartment (~$125/month) and buy about $100 in groceries every two weeks. I work essentially two full time jobs, bought a beater car to pile miles on instead of my good car, and pay for that out of my second job. One of the solutions she suggested to save money was to sell my good car.

When I first moved away for work (week after I told her I was done) I went for a walk on a Saturday morning and called them like I do everyday and mentioned I went for a walk. The blast of shit I got from her for being able to go for a walk was just unbelievable. Because of that, I feel incredibly guilty whenever I do anything besides work. Last time I went golfing and called them after and said I was thinking of going to take a nap, "oh, must be nice to live a life of leisure". So basically, I don't do shit but work my ass off then sleep and repeat.

I held off on dating/talking to anyone for the first 7 months due to the "who is she?" when I told her I was done. I am now seeing one of my old friends who is just absolutely incredible, the complete opposite of what I'm used to. We haven't told anyone at all and there's nothing more I want than to come out with it and finally be happy.

So on one hand I'm happy as hell, and on the other, I'm completely fucking stressed out to the max. I don't sleep well, don't eat well (which has been great for weight loss) and once again just waiting for some stress related incident to take me out.

The problem is, the STBX fucking terrifies me! I just want it to be done and over with but I'm terrified as to what hell this will bring down on my kids from her when I file. As for me, as sad as it sounds I will give her EVERY DAMN PENNY, I don't care at all.

Any advice, besides therapy, I know I need that.