I had been with my ex for almost a decade and half, and during that time I had no idea I was being abused like I was.

We got together back when we were in high school, was attracted to her obviously physically but also fell for the "I can fix her" trope. She was deeply depressed and claimed abuse from a previous relationship and her home life.

It was rocky from the start, had some good times, but was cheated on physically and emotionally during the first few years. She took me out on a trip to meet the guy she met playing games online and literally stayed at the dudes house while we were out there. She cheated on me with him while I was there (gotten sick on the journey up, probably from food poisoning and stress).

We separated for 4 months and reconciled, got extremely good, married a year and half later (was engaged for 2 years prior the cheat), and soon after had our first kid.

Fast forward years later, another kid, we are divorcing due to nasty 4 month long affair.

During our relationship, she isolated me from friends and family due to her own actions and convincing me that they all hated me. She had loads of guy friends over the years and I suspect she may have been cheating, at least emotionally, off and on at that time. It's hard to condense all this time into a post but it's to point out she absolutely mindwrecked me and it's hard getting over it.

I went through a bout of extreme stress initially over hypertension developing but I think it was a reaction to her hate, backstabbing, and own mental issues. I'm certain she is a extreme narcissist (the one that hates herself and blames all others), and I'm sure there is more mental illness there. She gaslight me into thinking I was going crazy, suggesting that I get on ssris and buspar, when she was well into her cheating.

I never cheated on her, I mentally, morally, and probably physically could never do that to someone, no matter the bullshit. She's the only woman I've been with and ever wanted to be with. I'm somewhat nervous about dating, but deep down I want to find someone eventually that can actually have a real relationship with. After our first child, she withheld sex for the most part for two years, she claims it's because I said that abortion was a option (never meant it, we were in our early 20s and she got fired from a job, and I was making shit pay, was scared of not financially supporting us on nothing and I think was still dealing with her bout of cheating two years after the first time. Shit moved really quick after that time.). Our recent talk she claimed that moment was when she emotionally detached and 10 years later here we are. I never was physically abusive, I drank home alone for 7 years, locking myself away in our house. I think the drinking was to numb myself to her constant hate and lack of any drive in anything in life. I quit drinking April of this year, two months later she was cheating.

How in the hell do I heal and move on?

I have plenty of support from friends and family, and I exercise and get as best of sleep as I can. I don't want to get on any meds, I tried buspar and it was awful. Got a therapist setup soon, but the anxiety is awful and comes and goes.