Emotionally Stuck

Haunting_Profession3 · 2024-05-13T22:53:01+00:00

I don’t feel like you’ll get an answer here that is the right answer. Most are going to tell you to move on, and that’s just not how it works.. atleast in the short run.

What worked well for me was taking a very mutual and peaceful mindset. You ultimately can’t control whether she comes back or not.. and because of that you should focus on becoming at peace with a life with, or without her.

Life really is fantastic no matter what your marital status is, you just have to discover that makes life fantastic for you. She MAY be part of that, but she certainly isn’t the only thing. Find the things that make you feel happy, and focus on those instead of something you cannot control.

The better you get at this, the better you will feel. Right now, your brain is only thinking about one thing.. your ex. That’s okay, and we’ve all been there. Find a way to redirect that, and find away to bring joy back into your life that doesn’t involve her. It doesn’t have to mean you cut her off completely, but it will benefit you and only you.

If you can do this, you will stop giving a fuck if it works out or not. Who knows, you may even find that you don’t actually want her anyways. Or, you may find that you do want her, but if she’s not willing to be the person you need her to be, you’re good with that and can move on to someone who is willing to be that person for you… one day.

Best of luck man!

Classic_Dill · 2024-05-13T12:07:54+00:00

We’ve all been there, your brain is going through a war right now, and the truth of the matter is is a very good possibility you’ve got PTSD, at least a version of it, that’s what my psychiatrist diagnosed me with, doesn’t mean you’re weak or anything like that, but your brain is losing everything. Your whole world is being turned upside down and shook, and you’re having the process, it’s a very hard time. Remember it generally takes about 5 1/2 years to start to rebuild from a divorce, and I’m on year two and I’m having to sell my house right now and move into an apartment, things get better, but every decision you make is extremely important, what you need to do right now if you can, stop thinking about her, stop thinking about the divorce, stop living in the past because there’s nothing back there but painting, you know it! You should be focusing on just looking ahead Never looking in your back mirror, I wouldn’t even date for right now, your wardrobe, go to the gym and start to feel good about yourself again, I would also start to research relationships and stay on this sub. It was very healthy for me to see other men going through the same thing I was, but you’re gonna have to book up and learn about relationships and learn about red flags and green flags before you date again, I cannot believe how much I’ve learned in three years, separation plus divorce, I actually have a TikTok channel now where I give dating advice to people or divorced, I’m still grinding and trying to rebuild and some days it’s harder than others, but I know if I keep going. Dont fall for the first woman who gives you affection, make sure she’s the right fit when you do. Never chase any woman 100%, make her chase at least 70% of the time, always be just slightly less interested in her than she is to you or at least fake it, that’s a lot of what I’ve learned, indifference builds attraction.

You’re gonna make it through this, and I highly recommend a psychiatrist to talk to! The woman I went to on and off for two years helped me a lot.

Square-Year-3706 · 2024-05-12T01:11:53+00:00

Just chiming in to say that I feel the same way. I could have written this, other than the desire to reconcile.

I feel like I’m cursed by being a very logical thinker (most males likely). Trying to find reasons for our marital issues or somehow trying to convince myself it was down to a or b.

It never works though, and I am left dissatisfied to not know. It consumes me sometimes and I just land on a default position of something to the effect of “I must be so broken, useless, worthless and such a loser that I can’t even understand exactly what happened. I have nothing to offer anyone”.

I’ve been avoiding therapy but I know I really should go.

No_War3532 · 2024-05-11T03:48:12+00:00

This post resonates so hard. I feel so split brained between wanting things to work out for us to reconcile and realizing that I’m objectively better without her. I’m glad I’m not alone.

alifeofpeace · 2024-05-11T00:25:38+00:00

I’ve been there. And sometimes I go back and forth as well. She was definitely more to blame with her drinking and LYING! But I had my share as well. I did damage to the relationship as well. In the end I left her but I did before she left me.

Android_1234 · 2024-05-10T19:23:17+00:00

Are you me? Very similar feelings and circumstances minus the children. I've been separated since January but continually get waves of "wait, how did I end up here?". I've done the ruminating, self blame, blaming her, etc. At the end of the day we can only be responsible for ourselves and we will never know exactly how things all went wrong. I so desperately want a solid, exact reason for things ending but I know that's not how this works and I'm never going to get that. We were together for 13 years and before January I thought I was going to grow old and die with this person. Facing the realization that it did and it's entirely outside of your control is the hardest part.

I know there are things I could have done better and things she could have done better as well but in the end she gave up and that's entirely her choice. I feel good knowing that I did everything I thought she needed and was willing to continue to work on things for the rest of our lives but that wasn't good enough for her and that's ok. I don't think there is any magical formula for getting unstuck from your emotions. They are going to happen and it's important to recognize them and just feel them for a while. I've commented on this a lot, but I really do think reading about/understanding the concepts of stoicism are really a great help. "The obstacle is the way" by Ryan Holiday is a great read that I've been going through.

I hope you can take solace in knowing there is at least one other feeling very similar to you. I can just say to keep doing what you're doing, take it day by day, and meet those emotions head on. You're going to be stronger for this even if you never wanted to be. Hang in there brother.

HusbandGettingBetter · 2024-05-10T19:15:11+00:00

I hear you. It's tough. I, too, am on the emotional rollercoaster of divorce.

First, both of you were the co-creators of your marriage's failure. You both are responsible. You both could have done or said things differently. You both could have communicated your emotional needs and understood the other's emotional needs better. Understanding your culpability and understanding your issues is the first step towards healing.

Second, stop applying logic and reason to the situation. She didn't, and she won't. You'll only hurt yourself in the process.

She is viewing the last three years (and probably your entire relationship) through a negative lens. She is revising your history together to justify her decision. It's toxic, and you should not indulge in her game by arguing, especially when she uses the terms "always" and never" to describe your behavior.

I know it sucks, but I'm here if you need to chat.

Title	Emotionally Stuck
Author	LuvDonkeeButts
Upvotes	15
Comments	23
Date	May 10, 2024 6:43 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1cowtvi/emotionally_stuck/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/emotionally-stuck.1518084 https://theredarchive.com/post/1518084

Comments