Final judgement

Adorable_FecalSpray · 2022-02-10T16:03:33+00:00

Congrats! It sounds as if you are in a good mindset. 😁

Since I am always interested in self-improvement I used this as a template during and after my divorce.

Best of luck to you man!

Advice when faced w divorce

Here is what I did and highly recommend to other guys going through divorce to start doing (these are just the basics).

Lift, heavy weights. If you don’t have access to heavy weights, then body weight exercises and high-intensity cardio. The idea is you physically exhaust your body, which increases good chemicals in your brain. It will make you look better too, which helps with self-confidence. This can help w feelings of anger too. Also more muscles, those are good too.

Start and do BJJ, Muay Thai and/or Boxing 3-6x a week. This will help you mentally as well as physically. Also it will help you be somewhat social. This can help w feelings of anger too. Punching a heavy bag for 5 minutes straight is pretty tiring and builds endurance and strength. And after a few minutes you are just thinking of breathing and hitting and not a whole bunch else.

Find some hobbies to do, old ones you stopped or some new ones. Guitar, woodworking, piano, dancing, yoga, stamp collecting, shooting, home improvement projects, model building. For when you aren’t lifting heavy weights and/or rolling or punching something. The idea is that you find something that brings you joy and keeps your mind and body occupied.

Stay away from alcohol (drugs), do not rely on it to numb the pain. Sure, have a drink or two but don’t let it be a crutch. You are stronger then that. Also use this time to fix your nutrition (I prefer low carb and high protein and fat, along w Intermittent Fasting). And also get your sleep, your brain needs to be sharp while you are going through this. Can’t sleep? Try melatonin, sleep / relaxation apps, meditation, prayer, fixed bed time routine.

Start pursuing some alternate stream(s) of income other then your regular 9-5. Start w writing business ideas that you could do in 10-20 hours a week then start pursuing them. Doesn’t have to be huge but something that brings in extra money and gives your mind something to do. (Legal bills will add up quickly, even on amicable splits). Maybe doing some driving for Lyft / Uber or Door Dash, real estate investing (podcast Bigger Pockets) or maybe you have some skill you haven’t used in a bit that can bring in some extra cash (Tutoring, guitar lessons, dog walker, etc).

Learn to meditate, starting w a couple minutes a day and work your way up to 10-15 minutes. (This actually lowers my blood pressure, I’ve measured before and after. It also helps w obsessive negative thoughts). There are several apps out there, I use Headspace. If you are religious pray, read your Bible or other holy book.

Make your living space your own. Whether you get to stay in your house or have to move. Over time put furniture, art, plants, and other items that YOU want and will be proud to show to people you invite over.

Get a therapist. You might have to trial a couple before you find one that you click with and you feel that they understand you. Do NOT feel bad about firing them. If they are any good they will help you set some goals for the sessions. Sometimes sessions won’t be super productive other times they will be. It’s a process that takes some time and won’t last forever. But it will help you struggle through the mental quagmire (shit) and grow stronger and move on.

Reach out to friends and family to keep those connections alive or to re-kindle them. Be careful about venting to family and friends about your situation or Ex. It is alright to do for close relationships but keep it vague and short. That is what the therapist is mostly for.

Read books and/or listen to audiobooks, here are some recommendations that I found helpful (I really think the audiobooks are a good investment. I can take a 4 hour road trip and finish a book. Learn to listen at faster speeds.):

• ⁠Models

• ⁠No More Mr. Nice Guy!

• ⁠The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck

• ⁠The 4-Hour Workweek

• ⁠48 Laws of Power

• ⁠How to Win Friends and Influence People

• ⁠The Rational Male

• ⁠ Can’t Hurt Me

• ⁠ Extreme Ownership

• Discipline Equals Freedom

• ⁠ Boundaries

• ⁠Boundaries After a Pathological Relationship

• ⁠Stop Walking on Eggshells

• ⁠Magic Words

• ⁠The Co-dependent’s User Manual (The last 4 are if your Ex was a Narc or Borderline)

The above are just the basics, if you have kids there should be a few others things you should start doing. If your Ex has a personality disorder there are several more things you need to do.

Do not share w your Ex you are doing these things. If she finds out, ok but this is your business for you to focus on. Do not let her draw you into talking about these things. They are yours and yours alone.

This not a sprint, it is more like a marathon, just keep moving forward one foot in front of the other. Your journey won’t be straight, some days you will feel like shit, some days you won’t. The important thing is that you keep doing some positive things in your life, for yourself.

And lastly, do NOT jump right back into another serious relationship. Figure out the part you played incoming to the divorce. Maybe it wasn’t much or maybe it was. Figure that out and be honest with yourself and accept feedback from those that know you (family, friends, therapist). Be ok w being on your own for awhile. Do NOT repeat the same mistakes that got you where you are right now. I would recommend taking at least a year to work on the above before dating again. If you really focus on the above you will go back to the dating market, if you so choose, in a much much better position.

Don’t give up, you’ve got this.

Jbr74 · 2022-02-10T15:40:51+00:00

Whatever you want! And that's the beauty.

Ruggiard · 2022-02-10T16:53:52+00:00

Bachelor return party! Plan a weekend with friend like you had for your Stag Do. Only this time, you actually feel like partying

jimsmythee · 2022-02-10T19:51:15+00:00

I remember my sock day. The day after memorial day 2017. I got a notice from my office manager that they received a with holding order for CS. I called my lawyer and the receptionist said, "Yes, it just came today." I ran (yes, literally ran) over to their office across the street. I went into their conf room and I saw it. $0 alimony and the 50/50 custody.

I took it back to my office and I uploaded the document to my company's HR dept so this "life event" could be entered into the system and she could be kicked off of my health insurance ASAP. Then I texted all of my friends, telling them the great news.

My exwife got the notice the next day. I didn't go well for her, alimony denied, full custody denied, and she would have to vacate my house. All she would do that day was text me, "Fuck you!!" over and over again.

pegleg_legal · 2022-02-11T01:46:05+00:00

You are pro se? Was the court reporter there? Please do yourself a favor and get a copy of the transcript. Seems like they're trying to shuffle you out of the system.

EDIT: of course, don't tell your stbx about this and if the judgment is fair - take it and run!

EDIT2: The problem is that if you all didn't testify and there's no evidence on the record, either side can appeal if they're unhappy with the judgment. And while anyone can always appeal, a judgment issued like this is very vulnerable.

EDIT3: The reason for getting the transcript is so the judge will know someone has requested a copy of the transcript and be more cautious.

EDIT4: And no, you're not divorced quite yet! Sorry to rain on the parade.

MR_CHILLIBUTCHER · 2022-02-11T18:57:10+00:00

Before celebrating just remember that you need to settle a few scores once the divorce is confirmed .Just go and message the ap's wife I hope that you might have collected information about ap's wife so message her and yes ap would be on alert mode so be cautious and once you tell ap's wife she will definitely try to create a scene so one way or the another karma will be hitting your ex wife

Title	Final judgement
Author	MinnCali
Upvotes	6
Comments	12
Date	February 10, 2022 3:31 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/sp97si/final_judgement/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/final-judgement.1101389 https://theredarchive.com/post/1101389

Comments