It’s been over a year of only seeing my 6 yr old daughter and 2 yr old son only about 6-7 times a month. I don’t miss my ex-wife, this ain’t that. The only joy I found in life and all I looked forward to since I was young enough to dream is raising my children and teaching them to be good hearted and people who light up the world wherever they go. Now the little time I get with them is tainted by my tears and desperation to pack so much quality in a very short time. I find myself leaving the room a couple times a day when I have them because I find myself feeling an abundance of happiness, only to realize they’ll be gone in a couple hours and I’ll be without them again for a week and I begin losing my shit, crying like a fuckin baby. Those kids can’t see their dad cry like that. It’s not fair to them. None of this is fair to them. We were so close, and it’s only been a little more than a year and there’s an exponentially growing disconnect with my children and I. My boy is young enough he won’t even remember how his daddy bought him, his mom, and his sister a house to live out their youth and develop memories that I can’t even draw out in my head right now. I don’t come home from work or wake up to kids running to me and giving me their love. I can’t peek in their room just to see them sleeping anymore. I don’t have to clean their toys up ever, the house just remains a disgusting graveyard of what I used to have. It’s debilitating. Crippling.

I say this to give reason to the constant sadness and hell I feel. Im lost without my kids. I’ve contemplated suicide, but I refuse to teach my children it’s ok to give up in hard times. Never will I take my own life. I used drugs before I had my children. I’ve gone a year since the divorce up until a couple weeks ago without turning to drugs to melt away the pain. Melt away the pain in hopes that I can go a couple visits with my babies without crying in front of them and actually appear to be happy. I’ve talked to people. Several people. Several times. It’s all been said and all been attempted. Nothing helps. Nothing makes it better. Nothing slows down the regression of my soul. Drugs make me numb to the heart ache. Helps a lot with that. But I don’t want to use to cope. Drugs will take over and ironically the thing that being without my children has driven me to, will take over and I’m sure will only result in even less or zero time with my babies.

What do I do? What do you do? How do you cope? Am I the only one feeling like there’s no fuckin point anymore? Tell me it gets better if it’s the truth. Tell me you are in the same situation so I can find some comfort in not being alone in this dark desolate evil ridden place. Anti depressants don’t work. Drugs will only make it worse. Life is meaningless without my kids. They will only be this young once. Kids have always been a big part of my joy even as a “big kid” I devoted time with younger kids teaching them and showing them how to be someone who brings light to the world. The foundations of my childrens’ character are being laid and I can’t be a sufficient enough resource to my very own creations.

Idk. Judge me for the drugs, I’m aware it’s wrong. I’m tired of crying myself to sleep every night. I’m tired of dreaming of being at home with them only to wake up and experience the loss all over again. It’s like they are alive and well, but I’m dealing with it as if they are fuckin already dead. My heart is so broken. The pain isn’t letting off, only growing. I’m not religious and I never will be, so any response about turning to god or any sort of higher power will go by the waist side. Sometimes the sadness morphs into anger and is almost tolerable. But certainly not healthy.

I’m sick. And I’m at that point. Is there someone with the words I need to hear to cope and handle this properly… to see the world in a different light? I’ve accepted this is how life is now. But my heart refuses to follow suit with my brain.