i lost my phone

another of at least 100 terrible days like this that i've had this year: sat around on my phone on a beautiful saturday. games and social media. mostly divorce related subs.

depression, depression, depression.

didn't go to the city market to mingle with a crowd and have a treat.

didn't focus on the work i'm behind on that i didn't do yesterday for the same reason.

didn't do a morning workout even though i'm supposed to be back in training for a martial arts boot camp one month away (after i've slacked off on practice the past few months).

just in a haze of sadness and depression.

around 4 i got ready to hit the gym. i go in the late afternoon so i have good energy for the evening in case i go out and of course it helps me sleep at night.

went to my car and realized i didn't have my phone. went back to the house-got the phone-probably (??) set it on top of the car while i went to check the mail

apparently got into the car and drove off...with the phone on the hood.

got to the gym-shit-where's my phone? realized it was lost. realized what must have happened.

tried to retrace my driving-but of course didn't see it anywhere. got home-looked around my street-no luck

went to use find my iphone feature but put in the wrong password and got locked out of my icloud for 24 hours. during which time my phone will likely die. if it didn't get run over. or picked up by someone.

the kicker: and how this relates to divorce subs: i had 3 years of photos on that device. 80% of them not backed up anywhere (because i never paid for more icloud storage. because i've never lost a phone before. so. stupid).

among those photos: a lot of memories from sept. 2019-present.

more than the highlights i posted to facebook from our huge family reunion trip to costa rica.

our family trip to the mountains in fall of 2020 as lockdowns fell off

etc etc etc

including a lot of happy family moments from pre-october 2021 when she told me 'no attraction on any level'. from pre-may 2022 when we were living together on weekends only but had 3 getaways and i honestly believe we were going to reconcile.

hell. she half invited me to move back home 3 times. it wasn't the invitation i was looking for. but i was ready to take her up on it last may but then i knew she was still hiding things and the day i agreed to move home i snooped and found out about her EA (at least?)

and of course from the last year since june 2022 when she said she was done including trips to see my family in CA twice and 3 road trips that i took.

few of these photos made facebook or anywhere else (my laptop doesn't recognize the format of my iphone photos and wouldn't download them)

so now it is very likely i've lost those photos forever. don't much care about the phone. wouldn't mind a new one-this is an iphone 10 that has seen better days.

but god damn. to lose those photos. so many. so many lovely memories. and hard ones.

but i care. i care about my history. it's why i have so many unanswered questions to her.

god damn. i hate my life.

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