last week our first meeting for our 'collaborative team' was postponed for the 3rd time since mid-february.

i'm leaving tomorrow for a week with family for my dad's 80th b'day.

i'm so paralyzed i can't focus to pack. i barely have any appropriate clothing to even wear out to dinners and such.

i made a shit reservation and now either have to get up at 5 am to make my flight or drive up tonight and blow more money on a cheap place to stay

i haven't seen or spoken with my 15 yr old in more than two weeks (she won't)

my career is in the worst shape it has ever been in after having to leave the best job i ever had and the most money i'm now on straight commission again and having to try to rebuild my business which is not happening in the least

i've applied for about 15 jobs in the past two weeks and don't get any responses.

i'm going to have to take something far below what i've always made (forget the past 3 years...i'm talking not enough to even pay my bills)

i'm going to burn through whatever divorce settlement i get just trying to live

i can't stop spending money going out all the time. it's so lonely at home. just being alone in a place with a lot of people feels like company

i sometimes think i'm just trying to stay alive until the divorce is over at which time best case i'll go travelling until the money runs out and then most likely kill myself

i'm so lonely. i have nothing to offer another person.

i can't get over the way my wife quit on our marriage...failed to honor the simple promise she made to try to fix things-refused to discuss while i was clearly sliding into an emotional and psychological abyss...

i became so horrible. i did some terrible things.

i told her in a yet to be seen message that i can understand why she wants to be done with our marriage but can't fully understand why i want to keep it.

i would never quit on her. or our family. they've all quit on me.