So my wife (married 6yr, together 8) recently told me she wants a divorce. We have had a turbulent but also deeply loving relationship. We have an 8month old daughter who we both adore.

Since the birth of our daughter, things have actually been pretty wonderful. At least for the first 6 months. That is when the ppd began to show itself for my wife.

Some backstory: she was at one point diagnosed with pmdd (premenstrual dysphoria disorder) basically it's PMS on steroids. Throughout our relationship we have had just brutal fights when she is pms ing. These actually stopped when she was pregnant and we had the best stretch we ever have had during that time. She also just generally suffers from a lot of anxiety and depression.

I realized at some point in our relationship (this was my first one, I'm 37) that our fights weren't normal. That other stable couples would have maybe one fight like this in their whole lives or just very rarely and close were having them almost every month. Outside these moments we were usually great! Like i said, very loving, lots of shared values and goals. Really really good. We actually were in couples counselling while pregnant and our counselor who we have seen proactively off and on for years basically "graduated" is and essentially said she thought we were good and to check back in if the rough patches start up again.

So my wife wanted very much to be a stay at home mom. Which she was for 6 months. I don't make a ton of money and she has been the majority breadwinner up until pregnancy. This has started a lot of our conflict over the years.

I'm always the hopeful one. Steady (mostly) jolly and positive. She tends towards the pessimistic. Another triggering factor in the fights is that she used to be a NICU nurse who was sometimes working nights. This was hell on earth. Night shift is an abomination on your soul unless you keep strict sleep protocols to support it which we did not. It's also extremely impractical for a normal schedule.

About a month ago she started a new job, as a contract night doula for recently post partum moms. The idea being that this would let her pump and also manage her scheduling to work with our child care. Unlike hospital night shifts she sometimes actually can sleep during this work. The money is just okay but definitely a help for us as our savings for maternity leave have dwindled. We were trying for her not to have to go back to the hospital which is super stressful no matter how you slice it.

The night doula work began okay, we were keeping to fairly strict schedules. But the last couple weeks we tried to do "normal" things like go to a small festival or church on Easter when she should be sleeping before/after her next shift. And currently she is going on an average of a couple hours a night for the last week or two. As with anyone experiencing sleep deprivation this has caused significant psychic distress for her. And her perhaps more than most. She gets over stimulated easily and probably has undiagnosed ADHD. This has all resulted in a horrible condition of stress that just the last day has led to major fights between us (i lost my cool more than once, not like her, but I'm sleep deprived too since she's working nights and only human) and yesterday on my birthday actually she said she wants a divorce.

To me this seems quite erratic sudden and very much driven by the night shift stress. The thing is she seems surprisingly collected when talking about it. This isn't new talk. It's come up in past fights. She actually moved out during the first trimester of pregnancy and we were talking about it then.

My whole thing is that i feel like she needs serious self care. She has symptoms of bpd though sub clinical i think. There are therapies like DBT that i think would be massively helpful for her emotional regulation which i believe is the core issue that prevents us from being on a steady healthy track. She has acknowledged this somewhat and even ordered a workbook for DBT which she hasn't really started yet.

Right now she is so erratic. She is saying how she doesn't want to breastfeed anymore because she isn't supported (she's been incredibly passionate about breastfeeding up until now) she even said she shouldnt have custody after the divorce! Which that alone tells me where her mind is now. She is obsessed with our daughter and would be miserable without her. So would i. I just don't know what to do.

TLDR: very loving but turbulent marriage of 8y threatens to implode. Wife has untreated severe anxiety. Also works night shift and deals with extreme sleep deprivation . We have an 8 month old daughter. She suddenly after a bad fight says she wants divorce. To me it feels erratic and sudden and very unnecessary. While i do think we would be more stable apart right now and we both want that stability for our daughter, I also believe that she wildly overestimates how bad her mental health is and that if she would take charge of it through DBT and we work together with our couples therapist that we could be in the best place we've ever been in in a relatively short amount of time. I also realize.i can't force her to do the work. I'm torn between the proposed relief of not having to walk on eggshells with her emotional disregulation and also an overwhelming desire to make it work because we have such a strong bond beneath all this shit.

Do y'all think it's better to just let her go? I know you can't change people, but they can change themselves. Again I don't think it would really be a crazy amount of work to get back on track but to her I might as well be suggesting she carve a mountain down by hand. She's beyond overwhelmed, beyond tired and just wants relief. So do I. How much do I fight for it?