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interesting example of stupidity.

govindtak28

May 10, 2022

9 upvotes

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Post Information

Title	interesting example of stupidity.
Author	govindtak28
Upvotes	9
Comments	23
Date	May 10, 2022 9:10 AM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/umeggx/interesting_example_of_stupidity/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/interesting-example-of-stupidity.1209930 https://theredarchive.com/post/1209930

Comments

[–]TP_Crisis_2020 14 points15 points16 points 4 years ago (19 children) | Copy Link

[–]govindtak28 9 points10 points11 points 4 years ago (11 children) | Copy Link

[–]TP_Crisis_2020 12 points13 points14 points 4 years ago* (5 children) | Copy Link

They're still there.. she must have blocked you.

Looking through her post history, I'm seeing posts in CPTSD about her mother who she went NC with trying to contact her and her getting triggered by it. Obviously some sort of emotional damage there. Then, one where she recently learns in therapy that she is angry:

I'll be 64 this this year. The anger started probably in my 6th year of life. I built up on it from there - layer by layer. The reality is I don't know what it's like to NOT be angry. My therapist said treatment won't work unless I can control my anger. How do I do that if that's my go-to emotion - every damn time?

So, since I'm not a physically violent person, my anger became my protector. I actually scare people with it. That's actually surprising to me. Especially when it's a big strong man - like my husband (don't worry - he deserves it) - who feels the brunt of my anger.

Then one 10 months ago asking about divorce where she says these things:

Yes, there are assets but not really enough in my half to live comfortably for the rest of my life - he will likely fight my right to have a fair spousal maintenance from him - even though he can afford it. He's basing this on his close proximity to retirement age. I mostly was a housewife and mother with a part time job during our marriage, and am retired now.

I've got a divorce attorney, but he's even younger than my kid - when I educated him on the fact that older women after a gray divorce lose twice as much wealth as the men, and how prices of things have doubled in just 20 years - and will double again in the next 20 (which I expect I will still be alive), he said, " Please refrain from patronizing me." WTF??? So, I'm having second thoughts about having him as my attorney.

Yes, and truthfully I'm having more trouble finding a competent therapist, than an attorney.

Get this; at the same time my husband decided he didn't want to be married to me anymore (this is how he told me that; "It takes everything I got to keep myself from bashing in your head"), I was diagnosed with a Meningioma tumor, and also C-PTSD.

So, now I have to navigate getting the tumor removed, navigate getting therapy for my C-PTSD AND my anger and fear about what he said to me, and how he said it.

Honestly sounds like she's just a woman damaged and turned angry at a young age that never sought help for anything, married young to a man who was just at the end of his rope after 40 years of dealing with her shit. 🤷‍♂️

[–]govindtak28 6 points7 points8 points 4 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link

[–]TP_Crisis_2020 5 points6 points7 points 4 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link

[–]jnuttsishere 0 points1 point2 points 4 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

[–]----Poseidon--- 5 points6 points7 points 4 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

[–]timothydexter 0 points1 point2 points 4 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

[–]Jonger1150 0 points1 point2 points 4 years ago (4 children) | Copy Link

[–]Eve-3 2 points3 points4 points 4 years ago* (3 children) | Copy Link

You're not missing anything that isn't to be expected. She didn't get the sympathy she wanted for him being a workaholic so she remembered some abuse. But she's still divorcing him for being a workaholic. I guess she wants him home more so he can.... Yeah, that makes sense.

She deserves happiness but she's worried that'll be expensive so he needs to pay for it.

Her words below for anyone curious but unable to see it :

--*-

Because he's abusive, and made a threat on my life right after I was diagnosed with a brain tumor.

--*-

Thank you. And yes - I'll be 65 soon.

I truly wished I could have somehow changed what happened to us.

And I'm sorry your mom went through that - twice, no less. That is very sad.

The part about being "cheated" out of companionship; that's exactly how I feel. I'm very, very angry about it. I didn't get married to be made to feel lonely in the same room with someone who promised to "love, cherish and honor." Nope.

I'm scared now that I'll run out of money, and maybe become a financial burden to our daughter. And likely that's part of what kept me in it for so long. But, I left home when I was 17, and didn't get married until the year I turned 25. I was self-sufficient during those years. I'll figure it out, again.

I truly hope your mother finds some happiness. I learned to go off on my own and enjoy some things; dance classes ( I'm partial to Tap), sewing (I took classes and became quite the seamstress), and I started a home business, in which my clients loved me. I also started traveling by myself. I bought my own RV, and traveled across the country several times with just my dogs to accompany me.

Perhaps your mom could try some of that? I'll admit much of it was a distraction, and I still felt sad. But I truly did enjoy it while I participated. Especially when I got good at something. When a complete stranger gushes at something you created, or performed, or provided above and beyond as a service - it sure makes you feel good. Even if it's just for a short time.

--*-

Oh, I see.

Well, we did all that, and more. Plus, he's abusive, and never addressed his anger problems. I deserve happiness, especially after 40 years of not having it. You try turning yourself inside out to please someone only to get lied to, abused, gaslighted, and punished just for expecting what was promised to you. After 40 years of that,, then get back to me, and let me know how you feel.

Anyway, after I filed for divorce, he said he was, "Relieved."

So, on top of everything else, he's a fucking coward.

--*-

Yes and no.

It was a gradual process over the years. He laid hands on me the first time 2 years in, then again 7 years later, which our 4 year old daughter witnessed. Then it was psychological and emotional abuse after we went to counseling. He just switched from physical abuse to mental. He thought that was ok, I guess.

Meanwhile, the work swallowed him up more and more.

Last year I was diagnosed with a brain tumor. Then he said after I have the surgery he would divorce me. I called a family meeting with our daughter and son in law to tell them of this new development. During that he announced in front of them that, "It takes all he can to keep from bashing my head in."

I told my neuro-surgeon what he said. He immediately called the hospital's Social Services dept in to talk to me (we were in the examination room at the time). They wanted to know what I could do if he ever came after me. They wanted me to leave home immediately and stay somewhere else. I refused because we have 4 animals at home that I care for. So, they gave me numbers to call in case I needed help. Then my neuro-surgeon said he would not do the surgery until I arranged to stay somewhere else during the recovery. Meanwhile my daughter was so upset by what he said, plus she was angry at us. She said her whole life was a lie. She said we traumatized her by staying together for so long. I told her I needed her to let me stay at her house during my recovery. But she didn't want to accept that her dad was this abusive person. Only when I told her that the Dr. would not do the surgery unless I stayed somewhere else did she relent. I also told her I'd have to have the surgery before the divorce - not after. I ended up staying at her house for 3 months. But after my surgery, when I started to recover and realized that I was going to be ok, and not die - I decided to file for the divorce myself. It was 6 weeks after.

I'm back in the house now just waiting for the final documents to sign. And he's still here, too. Once it's final - he's moving out.

I'm only explaining this to you in case there are other women reading this and trying to decide if they being abused or not. I sense your hostility TP Crisis, and I'm not intimidated. So, again - is not for your sake I'm telling you the story. Many women are in similar trapped situations, and they doubt themselves and have been conditioned to believe they are wrong. It doesn't matter how - just that they are wrong. Anyone in this situation: You. Are. Not. Wrong. Whoever you are - you are enough. You are who you are, and you deserve happiness. Whatever your man's problem is - that's his mess - not yours.

When my husband said that thing in front of my daughter - it was the most agonizing thing to see the look on her face. I could not bear it. She said to him with tears running down her face, "I'm very concerned about how you are going around with all this anger all the time. You need to get help." He refused. He refused his own daughter, and said it was too late to get help. This is the choice HE made - not me. He decided to stay with his problem. I'M choosing my life, which I'm entitled to.

[–]Jonger1150 4 points5 points6 points 4 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link

[–]Eve-3 2 points3 points4 points 4 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

[–]stent00 0 points1 point2 points 4 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

[–][deleted] 4 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link

[–]Jonger1150 2 points3 points4 points 4 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

[–]playerknowmore 3 points4 points5 points 4 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

[–][deleted] 4 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link

[–]jnuttsishere 1 point2 points3 points 4 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link

[–]sicrm 6 points7 points8 points 4 years ago (3 children) | Copy Link

[–]Eve-3 0 points1 point2 points 4 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link

[–]sicrm 1 point2 points3 points 4 years ago* (1 child) | Copy Link

[–]Eve-3 0 points1 point2 points 4 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

[–]stent00 2 points3 points4 points 4 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link