Divorced men need to get their ex wives out of their lives. In your new life, she does not decide the women you date, the vacations you take, the car you drive, the house you live in, the country you live in, religious practices in your house, etc.

This is a double edged sword. The same applies to her.

All of your actions after the “we might need a divorce” talk need to get you to an end state agreement that you can live with.

Way too many of us posting in here about how ex wife is ruining everything, years after the divorce.

Once divorce is even considered, the man needs to design his future with his children in a way that his ex wife can’t scuttle.

The best strategy is therefore “gray rock”, poker face, keep mouth shut, and resolve this thing through the proper channel (lawyer/mediator) with the proper authority (judges signature on divorce decree/court order) that completely rescinds all opportunities for your ex to mess with the new improved life you’re building.

My preferred approach is “We need to talk. I filed for divorce. I’m moving out tomorrow. I won’t be able to watch kids until I’m settled in. Call me if you need help watching the kids.”

See where her dv accusations and refusal to hand off the children go when you have already filed and moved out to a place capable of accommodating the children.