It’s been a bit over two years since the end of an 18-year relationship, almost 15 of those married. I was 40 when we got married, and at the time I swore I would never marry anyone — but then we met. The divorce was finalized last May. It was overall amicable, and we still talk, though less and less now. And the less we communicate, the more real it feels that it’s truly over.

Lately I’ve been sitting with a lot of regret. The split was ultimately my fault though she definitely had a large part to play. I’ll make progress emotionally, take a step forward — and then something pulls me two steps back. Reconciliation isn’t an option, and it’s not even what I want. What I miss is the familiarity. The companionship. We were best friends. And now that’s gone.

There are no kids. My family isn’t local, and support feels limited. Most of our friends were mutual couple friends, so that landscape feels different now too. Some days are good. Some days still completely wreck me. I’m trying to figure out how to make day-to-day life feel better instead of just getting through it.

I guess what I’m wrestling with is this: I feel like maybe I’m just feeling sorry for myself, but at the same time, this is genuinely tough. How do I tell the difference, and what can I do to move forward in a healthier way?