Please help if you have any experience with this.

justAnAccount5432 · 2024-11-01T12:38:03+00:00

I can speak to this; my wife had severe depression and ADHD which really manifested around the time our kids were born. It took both of us a long time to realize how bad things had gotten and that she needed help, but she did eventually get very serious about tending to her mental health. Started taking medications, therapy, intensive CBT groups… and hospital stays when it was really bad. It was a journey that she grew a lot from and something I admire about her. Things did change, and the blowouts became less frequent and less severe. It kind of became her identity though, and became the reason we separated. The years that were hard were really damaging to our relationship. I was less patient with her back then when she probably needed it the most, but have since done a lot of work on myself and my understanding of who she is, and really felt like we had come to a stable place. We grew a lot as a couple. it’s been 10 years since the really hard times, but now the past has finally caught up with us. She moved out last month and the reason is because she needs to prioritize her mental health and feels like our relationship threatens that...it takes too much of her energy she says. Its been hard for me because this was just a few weeks after her talking to me about how she feels like our relationship is better than its ever been; things felt safe and stable. The thing about old wounds in a relationship though is they can continue to be poked at by interactions/disagreements that become more and more subtle over time. For me, it felt like the more supportive and loving of a partner I was, the narrower the room for error became. We could not have any disagreements about certain issues without it really eating her up, no matter how grounded my perspective was, because it made her feel the same feelings that we struggled with when she was going through her mental breakdowns. Our relationship become very one sided, I gave everything I had to it, but I don't think it was ever going to be enough. Her perspectives are very black and white, and its made it very hard to be with her. I'm telling you this not to advise one way or the other about whether or not you need to leave or stay; Its a warning about making sure you do not build resentments if you do continue to stay. If you're going to stay you will need to accept that this is who your wife is and adjust your expectations. you will need to learn to love who she is for who she is and stop expecting her to be someone she isn't. She has limitations that you aren't going to be able to push her past. Only she can so that. If she's struggling with her mental health, and you are having a problem with that, you became the reason and it will kill your marriage. Resentments built up over time are hard to let go of in a relationship, and even if you do, she probably won't.

LashkarNaraanji123 · 2024-10-29T15:33:50+00:00

"No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Dr. Glover is a great book here.

Even if she has mild depression and ADHD, she still needs to perform some tasks. It's not fair that it fall all on you.

UnimportantOutcome67 · 2024-10-29T13:49:11+00:00

Bro'.

My STBX is a covert narcissist with ADHD.

For years I stayed for the kids. I back-stopped her on EVERYTHING. It was like I was the only adult in the house.

I recently picked this book up and it is a revelation:

https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/stop-caretaking-the-borderline-or-narcissist-margalis-fjelstad/1112446586?ean=9781442238329

The STBX's behavior and decision-making got so crazy I had to file on her. Best part for me is the teenagers picked me over her and our home is so much happier with her gone.

Good luck.

Emotional_Lettuce251 · 2024-10-29T02:09:40+00:00

I mean, mild depression and ADHD is fairly treatable with therapy and meds. If she just received these diagnoses, give her some time to work on herself. The fact that she sought help in the first place is huge, and the fact that they are continuing to seek treatment is great. I don't quite understand why right now is when you'd decide to pull the plug. Life is hard, dude. Divorce sucks fucking donkey dick. If you have PTO use it. I took off the whole month of July this year and it helped a lot. Consider all your options. Divorce, in my opinion, should be the very last one.

It's not just losing time with your kids ... do you have enough money to buy her out from your house? Do you want to pay child and spousal support for the next 16 (?) years. Do you want to lose half of everything you've worked for as an adult? Believe me, you're just trading one stressor for another (unless you have a multi-million dollar trust fund).

Glittering-Spell-446 · 2024-10-29T01:53:12+00:00

Thats a billion $ question man… we all suffer “to stay(for the kids) and keep sacrificing our happiness or pull the trigger(suffer for some time and regain happiness and piece). But as a saying: better an end with pain than a pain without ending…. Follow your intuition and heart! P.S sorry for my English

Title	Please help if you have any experience with this.
Author	big4huh
Upvotes	4
Comments	11
Date	October 29, 2024 1:40 AM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1gejaw3/please_help_if_you_have_any_experience_with_this/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/please-help-if-you-have-any-experience-with-this.1534068 https://theredarchive.com/post/1534068

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