40m very recently separated and full of guilt.

I am a survivor of childhood trauma and it's destroying my life. I have adhd, depression anxiety etc. I have three kids and now two ex wives.

My wife has just left me. I cheated on her more than 12 months ago and we never recovered. She says she's tired of being my carer. When she finally gave up and told me it was over I tried to hurt myself and I went to hospital. To make matters worse only 2 days after I was discharged from hospital she slept with one of my closest friends. Last night he told me he is being the father the kids need.

Now I'm alone, she has our little girls and I am alone for the first time in 4 years since we had our eldest

This is all just a repeating pattern. The same thing happened 10 years ago with my last ex. I needed emotional support because I'm a basket case. I feel shame and try to self soothe with attention. I feel so toxic and ashamed. I don't know how to rebuild again or if I even should.

What am I supposed to do when it's my fault. I just want this bad dream to be over. I want my family back.