I can’t sleep some nights. Body feels like it’s in hell. I’ve been a believer most my life, and lately the guilt of my actions mixed with the convoluted stories told against me have me wondering if I’m the villain in my life story. We have mediation coming soon. I want my son and wife back, but not the version of her that threw things at me, tore up wedding photos, cussed me out, and hit me. I snapped one night resulting in jail, four months separation, $3500 lawyer fees, and after she filed for divorce another $4500+ as I’ve blown past my retainer. My mental health has taken a massive hit and it’s mostly around the story that I am the villain. I know I messed up one night. I know I messed up. I hate what I did. Is there justification for reactive abuse? Is it even reactive? Maybe I’m just an horrible person deserving of hell and wrath and suffering because of my actions. These thoughts keeps me up. I wish there were community groups for criminalized victims of domestic abuse. It’s such a major mindfuck.