Recently separated and both moved out of our home. I have been going through a lot during this time and it has been very hard for me. It’s such an emotional rollercoaster. That being said, I have started to finally have some realizations regarding how I was treated. I feel like I have been brainwashed for some period of time and have been manipulated. I wanted so much to be nice and cordial to my STBX and respect her feelings. What I am seeing now though is that she has only thought of herself and has been making constant moves that only benefit herself (before and after our separation).

Initially, I considered not asking for alimony and agreeing to her terms for settlement, but I slowly have realized I would be a fool to do so. She is an attorney and I feel like she has been playing me to shield her assets. On top of everything I became unemployed before moving and now I’m feeling like I’m being held hostage. I finally started trying to reduce my level of interaction but foolishly I accepted her invitation to dinner on her with the kids recently. I have been suffering and trying my best to take as good care of my kids as possible. In the meantime she is shrugging off certain responsibilities and is apparently dating. My final straw was during this dinner. She keeps telling me I should try dating, which is ridiculous to tell your STBX to begin with. She also tells me how I’m going to be a great catch. Oh yeah? Well fuck you. If I’m such a great catch why did you leave me? Anyway, she acts like she is so concerned for my well being which I’m seeing is an act even if she believes it in her own delusional mind. She mentioned again during our dinner how I should consider dating. Well I said the same thing I have said before. I have no desire to date anyone right now. I don’t have a job and I don’t feel great. All I want to do is work on myself which is the truth. I asked her why she keeps bringing this up to me, and if this means she is dating. Well, she looked me in the eye and slightly smirked and said, “do you really wanna know?” I thought for a second and said, “ no not really.” I didn’t want to know because I knew I would wanna blow up and because it would be really hurtful.

That being said, she was texting during dinner. I caught a glimpse of her screen and I could see the interface didn’t look like any common app I have seen. I googled some dating app images later and I’m pretty sure she was texting on bumble. I have felt so much disrespect from her over time but this now feels like my last straw. She has the nerve to be texting on bumble and snicker in my fucking face in front of my kids too? I decided it’s time to stop being the sucker and take care of myself. I had been putting off getting a lawyer and she has been pushing for not using a lawyer (what a surprise from an attorney who also has made way more than me through the relationship...), but I finally decided to man up and just set it up. I actually had decided to do a consultation a week ago and found a woman I like. I have the paperwork in my inbox and all I need to do is sign and send the retainer. Did I mention I have no job and no car and not much in the bank...? Why do I still feel slightly brainwashed by her words over time even though I am now coming to these realizations. I could go on and on about all the shit she has said and done to me but I’m sure we can all do that.

I’m just scared of taking the first step because I know she is going to blow up when she knows I have a lawyer. Why do I feel this way? I feel like I have been waking up from a dream lately. Anyway, sorry for the rant. Not even sure I have an actual question. Just needed to vent a bit. This has been the hardest and worst year of my life. Thanks for reading and a salute to all the other guys out there struggling like me.