I am a blackpiller at 21 years old and a kissless virgin (for lack of better terms) but bear with me

I was exposed to religious beliefs about adolescent sexuality when I was young, not explicitly against premarital sex but a memo that having sex early is delinquent, and you have to wait until you're an adult, and that the delinquent kids go to hell. It was probably well meaning but I took it very literally. The school I attended during puberty was a single gender school so I didn't see adolescents that lived differently.

At first I didn't question the irrational religious beliefs but with some education I learned to fend off most of them, however the particular sexually repressive beliefs were actually enhanced, because the only way I got to know about sexual attraction was through media, and the men were much more attractive and intimidating than me which solidified the belief that I was not worthy of sex, because I don't know anyone like me doing it. It emotionally reinforced the belief I had from religion that it's very wrong for me to have sex.

Then I discovered blackpill, it gave me a language to articulate my sexual frustration, by labeling myself as an ugly and immature thing that no woman would ever want to be intimate with. It told me that even if sex isn't a sin, it is a sin for me particularly because I am so horrendous I don't deserve it anyways. It let me had a relatively stable psychic constitution to live life with.

However I also thought critically on the nature of human sexuality and realized that human sexuality is about unconscious instinctual and emotional arousal, which comes from looks but also goes beyond that. I espoused an especially harsh interpretation to enforce sexual repression on myself using reason, so that I wouldn't even dare to flirt or display my sexuality to a girl, which may lead to becoming a sexual being with her, what I desire but am also deeply afraid of.

I should face that I am already attractive and mature with a right to have sex and romance like everyone else, but I am terrified of being punished if I really assert myself as a sexual being. I shouldn't use the blackpill to cope but face the problems I really have to overcome.