I started falling for redpill and Im trying to step back. Need some feedback.

tinasnow-poty · 2022-08-26T14:42:44+00:00

Hey it’s great you’ve realised its harmful, it’s making you angry and bringing your mood down. It’s not making you feel good so you know you should stop interacting with it. Other people wallow in that anger and get sucked in even further.

I don’t think many ideologies are completely 100% wrong, so it makes sense some of it resonates with you. In fact, the most successful harmful ideologies have nuggets of truth mixed in with their propaganda. It makes you think, hey you’re right about that, maybe you’re right about more things.

I don’t think anybody gets unconditional love, except maybe children. That would be silly. Everyone’s love should come with boundaries. Why would you continue to love someone who tramples on your boundaries or doesn’t give you anything? Even my best friends are my friends on the condition we have a great time together. I think on the surface it seems like women get unconditional love, and I suppose in dangerous situations it’s expected to save women and children first, but even then it’s not exactly a hard and fast rule. For example, there was a video after the US withdrew from Afghanistan of loads of men chasing after a plane leaving the women and children behind. I read an article of a man selling his daughter so he could afford to eat. I’m not judging these men at all, in life threatening situations you do what’s best for you, I’m just saying that the idea that women get unconditional love is not true. In fact I would say a lot of women’s unconditional love depends on how they look. I agree that men are supposed to be rocks in society, but I hope that attitude is slowly changing. Idk where you are but in my country there are a lot of campaigns by government and charities encouraging men to speak about their mental health and be vulnerable that I see lots of boys sharing. Societal change is slow. I can’t speak on the value part, as a woman I have no idea what that’s like. Maybe talk to your dad or father figures about how they handle that pressure?

I don’t know if hypergamy has much to do with “women are divorcing more”, because do we know for sure these women are leaving for another man? I’m sure some are but in the UK the main reason for divorce is Unreasonable Behaviour https://www.howellslegal.co.uk/news/post/What-is-the-Most-Common-Reason-for-Divorce .

“What seems like a really good man” nobody knows what goes on behind closed doors. He could have been a lazy, uninvolved partner or be suffering from a gambling addiction or verbally abusive or simply fallen out of love with her or absolutely anything. I also hear stories of men leaving what seems like a really good woman… is it fair for me to attribute this to mens nature? I don’t think so

Your brother’s ex wife is a stone cold evil bitch. Emotional abuse is horrible and destroys people’s self esteem. I hope your brother is getting better. Identifying oneself as a feminist does not automatically make them a good person. That would be strange. Mao believed in a good safety net which is a good idea but then like 80 million people died under his regime, so. Believing in something good doesn’t make you a good person, we all need to get this idea out of our minds. It probably makes you a poor follower of that ideology though. However a conservative woman being interested in a traditional strong stoic man makes more sense. It’s okay if you don’t mesh well with that.

I can explain my POV as a woman who has used dating apps. Sure the dopamine rush of matches makes you feel good but after a while it means literally nothing. Easy come, easy go they say. Until we meet and have a connection a match means nothing to me. Guys have stopped replying mid convo to me too, I guess they found a prettier girl. Maybe she was quicker to get into bed than me. It doesn’t make sense for me to paint all guys with that brush with an idea I have no evidence for.

I don’t think there’s something wrong with you because of your failure rate, you’re just looking for someone compatible with you who is also looking for the same thing as you. Some of my friends partnered off when they were 19, 20 with guys who they now have NOTHING in common with. For example, my friend’s ex partner is now extremely anti-vax and tried to argue against their kids getting their routine immunisations. Another friend of mine converted to Islam but her partner didnt so there goes that relationship. Btw I’m 23 now so this is literally huge changes in a matter of 3 years. Yeah I might be single but at least I’m not stuck with someone who i barely like talking to.

In a world of endless choice it’s harder to find someone who also wants commitment. Take a break if you need to.

I agree the game playing is annoying, but I think being a woman I was sort of prepared for it. The first thing my parents told me about boys was that they’ll say anything to get into your pants so I entered dating with my guard up. I think men fell victim to the women are wonderful effect growing up and are now realising women can be shitty, game playing liars too. People suck. You can hold out hope you find someone who is on your wavelength or you can duck out the game. It’s completely up to you. Stay out the redpill spaces if you want peace of mind though. Going through life hating half the population sounds exhausting

SweelFor- · 2022-08-26T14:00:59+00:00

First of all, if consuming red pill is what made you fall into these ideas, the first step is to stop consuming red pill. If algorythms don't let you go, create new accounts for everything until you don't even see thumbnails or mentions of it.

Second step, once you have stopped actively programming yourself into RP, is to deprogram yourself by consuming good content instead, for example all these podcasts:

https://youtu.be/d04-3YOZV6Q

https://youtu.be/MrGgZTTL6pc

https://youtu.be/-YTVVLssVLI

https://youtu.be/ljuSLYf_yTk

However long you spent listening to RP, spend twice as long listening to the opposite of RP, which is actual psychology by psychologists.

The evolution thing makes sense to me. Women being geared towards men who make them feel safe and have good genes.

Evolution makes sense to me too. The problem isn't evolution, it's people's interpretation of how evolution affects psychology. I don't want to give the whole course but the conclusion is this: no one can freaking know how it affects psychology. It's impossible to know.

We can't compare a person's psychology who's brain has evolved, to someone who's brain just suddenly appeared and is not connected to evolution.

I'm a man, why wouldn't I want a woman that makes me feel safe and has good genes, as opposed to the contrary?

Why do RPers only consider evolutionnary consequences in one way? It's because they can, because no one can refute evolutionnary psychology claims by design, so you can go ahead and pick your prefered narrative that makes you sound right, and no one can prove you wrong (or right).

People who are neither in psychology or in biology have the illusion that evolutionnary psychology is the most reliable field of psychology, because they think "psychology is not so great, but look now we attached a biology component to it so it's usable now". They think that because they don't understand what they're saying (if they did they wouldn't be RP after all).

Its unattractive to be vulnerable. We are supposed to be rocks. My value feels based on what I can accomplish and provide.

It's unattractive to who? I'm sure it's unattractive to RP coaches. Do RP coaches recommend opening up, being honest, crying, talking it out? Or do they recommend to be a hard man and stop bitching and man up and blablabla?

Who told you that these things were unattractive? Was it RP people trying to make money by getting clics from vulnerable hurt men, who need to make you feel more and more insecure so that you keep clicking, or was it from good women that you would be attracted to?

If you are trying to date an RP coach then I guess you're right it would be unattractive to be vulnerable. Are you trying to date an RP coach, or a good woman?

With online dating it does feel like women will leave you in a heartbeat for a guy that seems "higher value".

If online dating isn't how you want to date, then don't do online dating. I don't know if you're right or wrong, I've never done it and I don't really care, because no one is forcing anyone else to do it.

If online dating sucks then don't do it.

Overall, I got tired of women not being straight with me. Many times I felt like women didnt care at all about how anything impacted me. Many times saying they want to meetup again and then slowing down and basically blowing me off. Giving excuses that dont feel real at all.

That's tough. I would also be tired if women had not been straight with me. I'm sorry that it didn't work out with them. I guess you weren't compatible and they weren't the right person.

That's tough, dating and relationships are tough, if they weren't then half the movies and songs wouldn't be about them.

What's the lesson, what's the story you decide to tell yourself about it?

Right now there is a woman out there, accessible somehow through whatever means, that is compatible with you. It's not hypothetical. She exists.

Is the lesson that because you didn't find the right person so far, that you should stop looking for this compatible woman who is also complaining about men right now in a women's forum? Or is the lesson that you should keep trying and keep rolling the dice, be yourself because the person compatible with you needs to see you as yourself and not as a disguise, and keep rolling the dice until you find her?

KindlyPizza · 2022-08-26T20:37:50+00:00

Would you like a perspective of a woman who came from and grew up in a third world, conservative culture, who had now escaped to the West (and seriously very happy about it too and would rather die than coming back to the conservative culture/country?)

As you might have already noticed, conservatism/traditionalism makes everything simple in theory. There are men and there are women. Men have mens' social-jobs, women have womens' social-jobs. Stick to that and reproduce early. Trained older sons early for those mens' jobs and trained older daughters early for those womens' jobs. A few decades of that and you get to enjoy the fruits of your labor when your adult children take care of your retirements in return of your assistance with child minding your grandchildren.

That kind of culture does not account for deviations, for young men and young women who would rather rope than living that kind of life, because maybe...they do not care enough for kids? Maybe they would rather travel? Maybe they are asexuals? Maybe, maybe, maybe. But conservative cultures do not give fucks about maybe. Maybe is that one sticking out nail that will be hammered down. Forcing people, especially young people, with fear tactics, while shitty admittedly working. Make the country unsafe enough for women who want to stay single, and subtly hostile enough for men who either want to stay single, then you'd have people pairing (...and often staying), eventhough they despise each other.

Though there are outliers too and when they are outliers, they are extreme ones; my maternal grandma was a hijabi, devout Moslem who had divorced 5 husbands. She was on husband number 6 when she passed.

Uniquely enough, conservative/traditional culture can also be unforgivingly utilitarian. Just like when you said that tradcon women showed less interest once you showed personal vulnerability. Your vulnerability is being seen aa potential burden for her...and for tradcon societs, result maxxing is often everything. No room for sentimentality. A lot of "you make your bed, now sleep on it!", so you gotta be ruthless when choosing that bed, or upgrading it.

Hypergamy is being seen as something bad in the West, but certainly not in my former culture. It depends, men and women got applauded and understanding when they upgraded...but got mockery when downgraded. As long as current husband is better off financially than previous husband, then the act of monkey branching is just smart decision. As long as current wife is prettier than previous wife, then it was again, just a smart and logical decision.

I saw some very, very fucked up things that was done without a single remorse when I was still in tradcon society.

Then I moved to the West and suddenly (more or less), everyone can do whatever they want. Social safety nets is there for people who was unlucky enough to be born in a fucked up family. So that they can escape and not being guilted into early grave by fiLiaL PieTy. Or the family is everything bullcrap.

The white picket fence life or the chill, carefree forever life, I can choose. I can freakin choose. And it is big for me. It is amazing! I am as safe with or without a man. I buy my bread and paid for living with and without a partner. When I was still single, I can continue to pursue a potential relationship, or I can just cancel and block the fourth date. Not because there was orbiter or another guy. But because...I can.

Just think about what Red Piller often seen as 'punishment' for women who are 'past their wall'. Cats and wine! So animal companionship and luxury good is the worst thing that can happen to a woman apparently. You know what happened to single older women in tradcon society whose parents either had died or left them nothing? Often bad, difficult things. Financial catastrophe, difficult and back breaking labors (you'd see women breaking rocks or building streets in third world countries), starvations.

Now imagine how many third world women who would have killed for that kind of 'cat and wine punishment'. Those are deemed chill kind of lives, reserved for widows.

So you have a choice to make. If you want the tradcon life and not too choosy about race and cultures/language/food differences, look for partners outside of the West. Offer financial stability and protection in return for comfort and intimacy. Be ok with the obvious transactional part of it. I never said that it will never grow into something more.

If you want the Western life, you have to be ready for the uncertainty. The possibility of people coming and going. But you can also see it positively. That if someone is willingly staying with you, eventhough they completely does not have to, isn't that the biggest compliment for personality that one can get?

Appropriate_Risk_899 · 2022-08-26T14:02:48+00:00

I'm a former Red Pilled woman, so let me give it a go and see if I can assist with a shift:

I've been doing dating apps heavily for over a year. Met over 30 women. I took a couple months off and then the first women blew off our 3rd date which shot back all the negative experiences I have had over the last year of women doing similar things.

I know this can hurt at first, but this rejection isn't always about you. When we get rejected, we often have a tendency to blame ourselves. This is pretty normal, because it wouldn't be normal the other way either, like if a person says it's always someone else's fault. The idea is to introduce yourself to the grey area of thinking. It can be hella uncomfortable at first, but once you get the painful part over with, then you'll see how great it can be.

The grey area of this would be: "I'm not having success on apps that house mostly men and where women are swimming in offers. I seem to have put myself in a situation that has a high rate of failure and I'm experiencing a high rate of failure. I should probably try other things too." The women issue is a totally other situation. This is your problem to take ownership of.

Both sexes reject. It happens. I got rejected by a guy that's been in my life forever and now I don't even get to hear his voice anymore. It hurt like a bitch, but it's reality. But it's not always our faults. My biggest reason for rejecting him at first was purely only because of distance. Otherwise I'd be on him like white on rice. But, at first, we can see that rejection being who we are, when it's not always that at all. Make sense?

Just a week into it I found myself angry, feeling like I cant trust women, and overall a bit defeated.

Appeals to emotion sells. Always has, always will. Back away or you're allowing them to do that to you. They want you in your primal brain so you don't think.

Women being geared towards men who make them feel safe and have good genes. I guess that is totally understandable. A women carries the child, so safety and being more selective makes sense.

Are men not more attracted to women who make them feel safe? Say a woman openly says, "I'm a abuser and I enjoy beating the shit out of my men every night as a form of entertainment." Or if she was open and said, "I enjoy tricking men into thinking I love them and then take all their money after they've married me." What would you do? I am serious. You're gonna throw that bitch out, as you should (which is why they won't tell you and you must look at the habitual signs and you do it by observing them in their natural state, don't correct until you're invested).

Men dont get unconditional love.

Nobody does. Nor should you. There are conditions to everything. You won't try otherwise. Neither will she. If we loved people unconditionally, then we put ourselves in potentially dangerous situations. We can obviously give a bunch of chances because we all fuck up, but where is the line?

Using the same abusive woman from above, how many times would you take her back? I mean we all make mistakes, but minimal mistakes over the course of a decade-long relationship is A LOT different than many mistakes in a one year relationship, but still. Say she was beating you up a few times a week. Would you love her and take her back, or would you have enough respect to put a condition on it?

Be real with yourself and answer that honestly.

I do hear many stories of women leaving what seems like really good men.

[Trigger Warning: Abuse] Quick story time: I was violently abused by a man who fooled everyone like this. He was successful, Church going, and seemed super nice on the outside. When he got home though, he'd do coke and beat us up over the slightest infraction (I don't need pity, just trying to make a point). We weren't allowed to say anything or he threatened that he would make it so much worse.

I never got validation until one of the neighbours at the time found me on social media about 8 years ago and offered to talk about it if I had questions. Nearly 2 decades had gone by, but she heard it all, and always remembered to try and find me when she could because she knew I would have lived a life of it being invalidated. She was right. I was always silenced about it. Her seeking me out to tell me that changed my life and gave me the strength to leave my then abusers and go get help.

She had remembered that this guy wasn't as good as he seemed on the outside and took action over 2 decades later. But his wife at the time threatened to leave him over that. Nobody would have understood it except us in the home and maybe those bystanders. The point I'm trying to make is that not every person on the surface is a good person and we don't always know the real reason why breakups happen.

Not everyone tells their story right away. I waited almost 3 decades before I told mine and soooo many people chimed in afterward and said, 'you know what, I always thought there was something up with him'. Thus giving me even more validation that my memories were more correct than I was gaslit to believe and that other people may have seen it too. "Really good men" can be deceiving, sadly.

I so wonder if women egos are getting blown up by all the attention.

100% yes, but I've also had men that have forced me to get rid of my male friends too. So even when we're getting blown up, it doesn't mean we know right away if he's a keeper or not. Not all attention is good.

that there must be something wrong with me if my failure rate is so high.

Your stats sound great, honestly, but they're more geared for women that are self-aware and know enough to know that's a better catch. The biggest issue you'll face is finding women that are self-aware and they won't be if they're young (obviously there are exceptions to the general rule). If you're 29 and have all that, then what type of women are you looking for? If you want the party girls, she won't be swayed by that. Maybe it's not about you at all and more the type of women you're going after?

Hopefully some of that helps you. :)

Embarrassed_Cup2524 · 2022-08-26T16:25:15+00:00

Dating apps are a joke

Shot-Cellist9635 · 2022-08-26T15:11:12+00:00

try meeting women in person instead. womens egos arent getting blown up, they are overwhelmed with messages from what im told and most of them are in the end for sex only so they are hesitant from the get go because rp has permiated the dating world to the point that women think if they dont have sex soon enough, the man will move on yet know that if they have sex they are forever branded a whore according to rp theology. they are damned if they do, damn if they dont and know full well that it doesnt guaranty monogamy and emotional intimacy. so get off the dating sites, meeting a woman in person will allow her to feel safe enough to honestly pursue a relationship. and dont buy into that garbage about making the woman chase. youre the man, step up and be the pursuer, no woman of worth will chase a man it's ridiculous. when i was dating I didnt even call the guy, if he wanted to talk, hed call. Also, rejection is something we all experience, man or woman, its not personal like red pill would have you believe.

AssistTemporary8422 · 2022-08-27T17:25:12+00:00

I've been doing dating apps heavily for over a year. Met over 30 women. I took a couple months off and then the first women blew off our 3rd date which shot back all the negative experiences I have had over the last year of women doing similar things.

Men outnumber women by 4 to 1 on dating apps. Dating apps aren't real life.

The evolution thing makes sense to me.

Evolutionary psychology has issues with just-so stories and assuming everything is an adaptation.

Men dont get unconditional love.

Nobody does. All relationships have conditions and expectations.

I feel like society doesnt care about men.

Clearly wrong. For example Black Lives Matter.

Its unattractive to be vulnerable.

Actually vulnerability is key to attracting women because its non-needy. You might be confusing vulnerable with needy, supplicating, approval seeking, effeminate, or lacking social calibration.

We are supposed to be rocks.

Women are supposed to be beautiful.

My value feels based on what I can accomplish and provide.

Looks and communication matters a lot too.

but women are divorcing at a higher rate and I do hear many stories of women leaving what seems like really good men

Just because some divorces are clearly the woman's fault doesn't mean they all are.

My brother's ex-wife cheated, was emotionally abusive and told him that she never loved him. My brother is like the most harmless dude I know. He did so much and didnt deserve to be treated like that. She is 100% a progressive feminist.

Just because one feminist was bad doesn't mean they all are or that you can blame women in general.

Many times saying they want to meetup again and then slowing down and basically blowing me off. Giving excuses that dont feel real at all.

Maybe they were being polite because they have had some bad experiences when they were brutally honest.

I did think that If I got the job and tried to be a good guy I would have more success getting a women.

I thought you said your value was based what you could provide. Women have different preferences, but tend to want a guy who isn't too agreeable or nice, and instead wants someone more balanced.

Many times I felt like women didnt care at all about how anything impacted me.

How can you expect someone to really care that much about a stranger?

I get told just keep working on yourself, or that there must be something wrong with me if my failure rate is so high.

It can take years to meet someone even if you work on yourself. Your problem might be that you are too desperate, are neglecting your looks, or don't know how to talk to women.

Stellar_Panda · 2022-08-26T19:55:31+00:00

This is very epic post, thanks everyone for sharing.

zapadz · 2022-08-26T20:25:20+00:00

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6xjMociMHI0

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qIzzNh84ANw

incredulitor · 2022-08-26T22:15:44+00:00

Out of the things you've said, what would you want to change the least? The most?

tired2beugly · 2022-08-30T14:13:30+00:00

same bro when u are a men u are just money i wont gonna lie i know i'm a betabucks, the bitch i'm dating constantly ask me for money bro and i know the day we gonna have an argument she gonna treat me like ur brother because i don't actually think she has any feelings for man but i don't have the choice

its over for boys in 2022

Title	I started falling for redpill and Im trying to step back. Need some feedback.
Author	Appropriate_Risk_899
Upvotes	24
Comments	29
Date	August 26, 2022 12:51 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/ExRedPill
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/exredpill/comments/wy8eud/i_started_falling_for_redpill_and_im_trying_to/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/ExRedPill/i-started-falling-for-redpill-and-im-trying-to.1129260 https://theredarchive.com/post/1129260

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