Please tell me how I'm wrong...

CommentsEdited · 2024-04-01T16:38:26+00:00

Personally, I would find it hard to trust a woman who isn't capable of close, male friendships. People who "don't do friendships" with members of the opposite sex are effectively admitting they see no other form of value in half the population. To me that's weird and sad.

in the past he's been a bit touchy with her and she's had to fend off his advances before.

she's had a few guy friends over to her house in the past that have made her uncomfortable so I don't know why she would want to invite them over again

"Them" meaning the same guys, or male friends in general?

The former is a reasonable question (for her sake, mostly). But otherwise: These are shitty things that happened to her, not you. A healthier response than jealousy here would be compassion for her, and anger toward the men who have harassed her. Not a demand that she take the blame for dudes being douchebags.

Is it possible she's using "I'm just having guy friends over sometimes" as a smokescreen to cheat? Yup. Sure is. I don't know her. But if I found out my girlfriend was cheating on me when she has male friends over, I'd dump her because she's a shitty girlfriend who's been lying to me. It still wouldn't have anything whatsoever to do with the general concept of "having guys over" which is a nothingburger.

I mean, look at it this way: Let's say your girlfriend has a bunch of male friends. But then you get her to drop all of them, because it makes you uncomfortable and unable to trust her. What's changed? Now you just have a girlfriend you don't trust, who also thinks you're a controlling dick. This is not an improvement.

The common denominator here, as always, is the assumption that it's up to women to police men's behavior, and take responsibility for the fact that some men will try to harass or assault your girlfriend, so in order to avoid that terrible thing happening to you (your girlfriend being assaulted or coerced into sex), she has to operate under your assumption that all men are pigs.

Stargazer1919 · 2024-04-01T17:07:30+00:00

I'm gonna go a bit against the grain here.

In her defense, it sounds like she doesn't know how to stand up to these guys. Women are socialized to play nice in situations like that, because being too harsh can be dangerous. And many women/girls feel like the bad guy for telling a guy no, because they've been treated with manipulation.

I know a lot of commenters are going to say you should break up. What I would do first if I were you is be supportive. Tell her she doesn't need to put up with guys who behave poorly. They aren't her friends. Friends respect boundaries. You're there to be supportive if anyone hurts her. Because honestly she sounds like the victim in this situation, but also doesn't have the courage to enforce boundaries. Break up if you want, but in a committed relationship this is the sort of support couples should give each other.

Think about it. What if you kept running into others who did/said stuff to make you uncomfortable? What if it was difficult to enforce your boundaries for whatever reason? This very well could happen to you too, at some point. Maybe in a toxic friendship or toxic workplace. What would you want your partner to do or say? Would you want them to dump you for going through a hard time?

wote89 · 2024-04-01T16:35:23+00:00

It is not "red pill" to back out of a relationship that is more upsetting than beneficial for you. If you were using that as a threat to get her to behave a certain way, yeah, that'd be the case, but it just sounds like the two of you have different attitudes toward relationships and boundaries within them.

And there's nothing wrong with that! The real trap of Red Pill thinking is that it ascribes motives and underlying beliefs to all men or women when the reality is just that people are people and different people have different needs and desires.

The whole point of dating is to figure out if the compatabilities and incompatibilities work out to a net positive. Just remember that there are other potential partners out there whose choices and behaviors are more compatable with you. And don't fall for the trick the grifters like to pull of trying to convince you that the potential hurt and sadness are the result of deliberate malice rather than mere incompatibility.

BoxOfPineapples · 2024-04-01T22:22:53+00:00

Her having guy friends shouldn't be much of an issue. If anything, it's nice that she's being open about it despite how many guys seem to find it a point of contention in relationships all over. You have to accept that she's her own person, and she should be free to make friends with whoever.

That being said tho, I would really talk to her about her "friends" that are getting touchy? I don't feel that she's cheating. If anything, I think she's having trouble setting or enforcing personal boundaries, or something along those lines, especially if this is repeated behavior from the guys. Use this as an opportunity for mutual personal growth; communicate, and work with her to figure out what part of these friendships she even finds valuable. Maybe you guys will learn a new thing or two about yourselves.

GladysSchwartz23 · 2024-04-01T16:22:52+00:00

If she was doing anything untoward with these guys, she wouldn't be stupid enough to tell you about the time she spends with them. If she lives with her parents, what could she even be getting up to anyway???? It's not impossible that something is happening, but it's really unlikely.

Don't punish her for being honest. The best case scenario for this relationship, if you keep on this way, is her dropping all of her friends in order to stave off your jealousy and being entirely dependent on you, and THAT'S BAD. A woman with a lot of healthy friendships, including ones with dudes she might have thought of banging but isn't because she CHOSE YOU, is a healthy person to date.

(Signed: a lady who's friends with plenty of exes and other dudes I've had crushes on but has never so much as considered cheating on my partner because he's great -- and part of him being great is how much he trusts me.)

Allusionator · 2024-04-01T18:45:45+00:00

Why would she tell you that stuff if she was just going for a side thing? Thats the fear, presumably, but she’s been pretty open book to your scrutiny about her having friends (moderate yikes on your part tbh).

I feel like worst case is she likes you being a bit jealous, which would be immature but then again you’re dating someone 4 years younger so go figure. Much more likely she just has some male friends who have been a bit pushy in the past romantically when she wasn’t over the top with her ‘no’.

What if she really was hooking up with them and you found out? That would be a perfect time to break up. Seems like this is you having you issue because that is pretty obviously NOT what she is doing. Why would she tell you about them if she was?

Do you not have any women as friends who you don’t want to fuck? The only red flag is the one you’re holding lol. Up to you if you want to run with your insecurity and throw what sounds like a good thing away because she has friends. Sounds like you really do want to control her, some serious insecurity from that past. This young woman didn’t do whatever it was! Address your old wound with talk therapy instead of pushing it onto this new thing.

AssistTemporary8422 · 2024-04-01T17:39:01+00:00

Recently, she had a guy-friend over to her house who she says she went on a single date with and in the past he's been a bit touchy with her and she's had to fend off his advances before.

She also admitted to me during this conversation that she's had a few guy friends over to her house in the past that have made her uncomfortable so I don't know why she would want to invite them over again.

I'd start by having a serious conversation about inviting over guy friends who have made sexual advances on her. You gotta start somewhere so maybe start there.

SweelFor- · 2024-04-01T17:32:44+00:00

Wrong about what?

Jazzlike-Leather2911 · 2024-04-03T15:34:39+00:00

Your completely right, first of they went on a date already. It’s one thing if they never had interest in eachother but they have, secondly the touchy thing is really weird. If a girl tried to feel me up I wouldn’t talk to them any more because that’s disrespectful to me and my girlfriend

Piku_2004 · 2024-04-04T08:15:21+00:00

Well it seems to me that we have a communication issue going on here. OP, kindly take the time to have a serious but respectful and honest conversation with your SO, and ask her properly whether she is inviting her other male friends because she is totally comfortable with it or not. Don't make her leave all her male friends btw, that would be bad, but try to find out whether she is just acting nice to people who she feels uncomfortable with, due to the fear of disrespecting them. Additionally, you can even ask her what she and her male friend did as you seem to be curious about it. Just state your questions and intentions clearly and respectfully, in a manner she doesn't feel discomfort.

WWhiMM · 2024-04-01T21:01:42+00:00

Maybe pity the guys who are getting friend-zoned? Not that you'd want it any other way, but I'd guess a few of those guys are probably none too happy.

Aggravating_Basket23 · 2024-04-03T14:00:54+00:00

Dude, lets talk seriously here. That bunch of guys make she feel uncomfortable and she does nothing about it. What does it means? She likes to get validated, man. She feels hot when they hit her. She likes it. She doesn't respect you as a man.

Respect is an objetive matter. Don't blind yourself with relativisms.

Title	Please tell me how I'm wrong...
Author	EnvironmentalQuit668
Upvotes	3
Comments	26
Date	April 1, 2024 4:06 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/ExRedPill
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/exredpill/comments/1bt7oyy/please_tell_me_how_im_wrong/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/ExRedPill/please-tell-me-how-im-wrong.1513721 https://theredarchive.com/post/1513721

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