Abusive Ex Now Engaged

SuccessfulShow5 · 2020-06-27T05:27:52+00:00

I know it feels like shit hearing that they got married right after you and you’re probably feeling like you missed out on what he was supposed to give YOU, and that this new girl is gonna receive alll the benefits you never got in the last relationship . That’s probably not the case. Maybe she tolerates more shit than you did. Maybe he hasn’t shown his true colors. I doubt he’s treating her that much better if he was trying to bribe you with gifts while they were engaged. I would just look at it like you dodging a bullet and feeling sorry for this new fiancé . Most likely nothing to be envious of or despair over .

nymphaetamine · 2020-06-27T09:25:21+00:00

Here's the thing about narcissists- the way they treat you is NO reflection on who you are or what you brought to the relationship. He didn't find someone better than you who was finally worth changing for, who he fell madly in love with and treats like a queen after treating you and everyone else before you like total shit.

He found a more compliant victim.

Maybe she's not as smart as you and hasn't caught on to his tricks, maybe she's too inexperienced with relationships to distinguish an abusive one from a healthy one, or maybe her self-esteem is just so low that she compartmentalizes his abuse out of fear that she can't do any better. Part of the way narcs hook you in is that they treat you soooo good in the beginning to convince you they're such stand-up guys who you're lucky to have met. Then when their true selves come out you just figure they're having a really bad day, they're stressed out, maybe it's your fault somehow, and instead of leaving you just double down on being a better GF or wife to make him happy again and bring back that amazing guy you fell head over heels for. Been there, done that, thinking about writing a book about it.

Make no mistake, he's not marrying her because she's better than you. Narcs do not love, nor do they change, they just latch on to whoever will give them what they want with the least amount of resistance. They rarely ever date up either, my narc ex is currently engaged to a girl who- and I'm really not trying to rag on her here, I'm sure she's a good person- has at least 150 lbs on me, a dead-end job, and obvious low self-esteem. It's clearly NOT twue wuv, she just puts up with the shit that I valued myself too much to accept.

Take it as the massive compliment that it is when your narc ex marries someone else. It means you were too smart to control and manipulate, and she isn't. Pity her, but do NOT envy her.

Enough-Introduction · 2020-06-27T07:07:17+00:00

I recommend the song „new girl“ by Gabi Du Plessis as well as the spotify playlist „female dating strategy“ to listen to on repeat. Also, read the book „Why does he do that“, there are free pdfs online.

I have empathy with how shitty it can feel when your ex apparently has moved on and you didn‘t, but that‘s just a distorted version of reality that you have been conditioned to think. A more accurate version is that you have seriously leveled up, reflected upon your life, and are willing to take steps to never experience an unhealthy relationship again. He did not, he continues to repeat the same pattern of using another human being for his needs. Trust me, he did and will not change - the period of lovebombing might last longer with a new partner, and she will struggle even more with the gaslighting of trying to outperform his crazy ex which he told her horror stories about. But one day she will come to realize his real face, and he will still feel empty inside - by then you will be hundred steps ahead in life and only feel pity for them. You‘ll get through this, I promise ❤️

peleks · 2020-06-28T13:18:42+00:00

He probably figured out he needs to reel in and tie down the next girl fast or they escape. I had a similar ex, who also got married later on - but I found out about his shenanigans only now from this random girl unrelated to the situation. Anyhow, so, turns out he finds a new girlfriend, marries her right away and she gets pregnant. Before the newborn has spoken first words they are already going through divorce. Unfortunately, that is not the worst part. The reason this random girl talking to me knows all the details is because the guy posts blog like posts about his life trying to get away from this 'monster' ex wife. Oh, I forgot to mention - he had a habit of adding all of new gf friends to his friend lists (so yeah, her friends are probably seeing that stuff).

2020-06-27T14:11:19+00:00

Abusive men don't think like normal men, they see women as pets/property and are extremely heavy handed when their ego is dented, there is no reasoning, no training, no appeal to a person's better nature that will even improve men like this much less change them, they're addicted to the power they believe their behaviour gives them. The best thing you can do is cut all ties, block and completely wipe him from the face of your life, he won't give you closure because he wants to keep you on the hook (along with other women by the sound of it) so if there is anything still outstanding cut your losses on it and take closure for yourself. If your therapist thinks you have things to talk through with this guy get a new therapist, it's easy for them to sit back in their chair and be diplomatic about a break up completely ignoring abuse (or worse being a proxy for it) but if the guy blows up in a big way it's you who'll wear it and these kind of guys can get very nasty.

He probably knows which of your buttons to push by now to get a reaction out of you, it sounds like he's being manipulative trying to make you chase him and if you did bite there'd be "punishment for leaving" in there somewhere, why else would he still be in touch and making a show of his new gf if he wasn't up to no good?

You could be grieving the relationship you wanted but didn't get, it's not nessesarily an indication you still have feelings for him. When I divorced my ex it didn't matter I was the one who fought to get the marriage dissolved it was still upsetting when the final papers arrived, not because I wanted anything to do with him but because it was confirmation of the death of the hopes I had for the relationship going into it, if I'd been mourning the end if the relationship I would have been mourning a lie because what I got in that marriage was nothing like the promises he'd made to talk me into it. Grieving one thing doesn't mean grieving everything.

yegerska · 2020-06-27T14:23:22+00:00

He’s probably already abusing her. She’ll still go through narcissistic relationship cycle.

2020-06-29T21:55:57+00:00

Yeah it’s easy to think that maybe he’s treating her better, changed etc. that’s not the case. The biggest red flag I see here is that he might have gotten married so she won’t escape this time.

I don’t think he changed, she might of accepted more, or he just got better at hiding it (for now).

Title	Abusive Ex Now Engaged
Author	lovelylocks22
Upvotes	39
Comments	9
Date	June 27, 2020 3:56 AM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/hgmn64/abusive_ex_now_engaged/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/abusive-ex-now-engaged.701854 https://theredarchive.com/post/701854

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