Can’t get over him

redbirdflies · 2020-01-20T04:23:15+00:00

You are addicted to the high that comes from the rush of feeling as if you’ve found “ the one” because he fits some sort of idealized view of the perfect mate.

This idealized view of the perfect mate usually comes from family of origin issues that create the perfect storm of neediest for acceptance and security and it usually culminates into co dependence

Narcissists are so adept at this. They study you and find the holes in your psyche and fake the ability to fill in those holes

They gaslight you, dread game you, idealize and devalue you in cycles over and over again until they find a new source

It’s such a mindfuck and it’s so difficult for empathic humans to grasp and understand because we can’t imagine a human being who lacks empathy

The standard advice is understanding (achieved through therapy) and self care

I’m going to give you the advice that worked for me. It’s not the common path. I’ve been in your place. I know how difficult it is to get over. It’s almost impossible

Self care is the first and foremost. Find what works for you. Therapy, yoga, meditation, socializing with girlfriends, facials, massage, float tanks, chocolate covered strawberries. I don’t give a fuck, whatever it takes for you to feel better. Figure it out and do it

Make a list of every shitty thing he’s ever done to you and read it every day, several times a day

Stop reading shitty advice columns and relationship forums. You won’t find yourself there. Arm yourself with some knowledge and then move on

Get out there and date. Get a fuckbuddy if you have to, whatever it takes to get your self esteem back. Do that and do it ASAP.

Look up Melanie Tonia Evans. She has a wealth of info on understanding narcissism and healing from it

I wish you the best. Feel free to message me any time. You are not alone!

Whateverrr_345 · 2020-01-20T05:40:53+00:00

I feel like I can kind of relate as mine was a narc lvm. And men are very emotionally distant with me, like even the ones that approached me and tried to court me. None of them were nurturing, warm or emotionally close. And yes, I know you're saying a narc isn't like that and I think that's just his mask. But I think I'm having hard time getting over it not only because of revenge feelings but he offered something that nobody else did.

And maybe you're going through something similar. Like you see something in this man no one else has or offered to you. I'm not one to tell you how to feel but in my personal experiences it's not love. It's something you want, need or crave. You have to get to the root of it. I thought I loved my narc but I loved the way he made me feel at that time. There's a difference.

And I'm not gonna lie, the worst thing ever is to get something you need from a narcissist and get burned by them in the end. It's so cruel. The other comment stated it brilliantly, they find what you need and become it. I really truly felt like this guy was the "missing piece of the puzzle" (in my psyche) because he filled in that puzzle piece by being the complete opposite of every guy I ever met. Then, boom. Shattered. It was all a dream...an illusion. As quickly as he gave it to me, he left. He abandoned me and I stood there in a state of shock and awe. Confused, feeling used, discarded, and he took back the piece. This was the cruelest thing any man (non related) has ever done to me.

Haltthemoon · 2020-01-20T09:33:02+00:00

I have a few things to say about this.

He's had 20 years more experiences than the guys your age (28).
His dick is gross af. He's only that good because he's had A LOT of practice. Trust me! Think about that fact next time your mind wanders towards him. Take your number of partners and multiple probably by 10.
Don't judge men your age or even 10 years older (38) on the same scale as this guy who is old af. Judge the men you date based on their age range. Be patient. Don't expect guys to know what you want and like right away. It's better to build it up. Someone like this guy who knows his way around quickly, it's not a good thing because he can do that with literally any woman.

The only way this guy would 'settle' is if a woman gets pregnant. I know this for a fact because I used to live in LA. I've met many men like him. Only dated 1 and that was more than enough.

xeropteryx · 2020-01-20T14:38:29+00:00

Do you realistically think he has spent even 1/100 of the time angsting over you that you've spent feeling bad about him? He's clearly a loser who doesn't care about you. Don't waste your time and your mental health on someone like this. Hugs to you, sis.

Ms_Tilly · 2020-01-20T22:48:16+00:00

It takes so much time to get over these narcissists. It's a trauma bond and the high we get from the hot/cold, push/pull shit that they do. I have been there. It took me a good year to stop thinking about my ex every day. Even though I didn't want his ass anymore.

Title	Can’t get over him
Author	heavenlycaterpiller
Upvotes	15
Comments	13
Date	January 20, 2020 4:02 AM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/er7pgt/cant_get_over_him/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/cant-get-over-him.684452 https://theredarchive.com/post/684452

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