Detach from dating outcome

ellanaponders · 2020-02-13T21:21:18+00:00

Personally, I think I'll always have one desired outcome and my feelings will always be a bit hurt when things don't work out the way I'd hoped they would. I can't imagine it's much different for anyone else - if you didn't care about being with that person, you probably shouldn't be.

That being said, what does help is to arrange dates with several people. If things go south with one guy, you already have others lined up. It helps you to remind yourself that you are the prize that needs to be won.

On that note: he is the one who must ask for exclusivity. Wait for him to bring it up.

bluelightsonblkgirls · 2020-02-13T21:32:45+00:00

You create emotional space by dating more than one guy at a time so that your emotions are not focused on one particular man OR take up multiple hobbies (for fun and/or self improvement) so your mind doesn’t have the time to wander. It’s been two dates, how can you be sure you want to be exclusive? Just relax and keep watching his behavior and act accordingly.

Also, let him be the one to brooch the topic of exclusivity.

traditsh · 2020-02-13T23:24:56+00:00

The best way I discovered to not develop one-itis (focusing on just one man) is dating multiple at once. How do you do this without violating anyone's trust or expectations? Be clear from the beginning that you are dating other people. Then don't move quickly with any of them. I recommend the Four Man Plan.

Dating multiple people lowers the expectations of things progressing with any of them. This gives you more headspace to properly evaluate men as partners. What are they bringing to the table? How are they treating you between dates? Are they prioritizing scheduling time with you?

I think I would like to be exclusive with him, but I don’t know if he feels the same way and I don’t know how or if I should even discuss that with him.

You've been on two dates. What does exclusive mean to you? It means marriage-seeking to me. After going exclusive, there's a timer on how long I'll wait for the ring. There's no way I would know him well enough for that evaluation after two dates. Each date is an opportunity to get to know him better.

Don't bring up the "what are we?"/"I want to be exclusive" talk with him. That's his job. It is foundational to FDS that the man is the one who brings up these topics, and until then, you are not exclusive. If you bring it up to him, you put all of the power into his court. Now he gets to make the decision and drag you along.

A little over a month ago, I was in a similar position. I had been on 6 dates with a man I really enjoyed the company of. He asked me what we were and what I'm looking for. In response, I was very clear that I didn't know him well enough for us to be anything more than dating, and that I'm looking for a life partner, not just something with anyone who's interested.

After a couple more weeks of us dating, he asked me again if I would be exclusive with him. I was able to say yes with confidence because I got to know how he reacted in different scenarios, met and evaluated his friends, and got to see how he tolerated my initial rejection.

If he's not pursuing you for the exclusivity or giving you a chance to properly vet him, he's not worth it. I recommend reading the FDS handbook linked on the sidebar. It has a lot of good wisdom.

Sarahthegreen · 2020-02-13T21:59:52+00:00

For me what helps with assessing people is Mira Kirshenbaum's book Too Good To Leave, Too Bad To Stay, which has 36 diagnostic questions for assessing romantic relationships (some of which work for other relationships too). It gives me something to focus on instead of wishful thinking.

Title	Detach from dating outcome
Author	ellanaponders
Upvotes	17
Comments	15
Date	February 13, 2020 9:05 PM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/f3gvaq/detach_from_dating_outcome/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/detach-from-dating-outcome.693816 https://theredarchive.com/post/693816

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