A man recently PMed me after reading one of my posts about "not men vs. women, high value versus low value". And he asked me, what constitutes a HVM? What qualities do high value people versus low value people seem to have?

This is a very big, very individual question, but it made me think of this concept in therapy that we have called Fixed Mindset vs. Growth Mindset.

Fixed Mindset is the idea that things just don't change. This mindset is absolutely ubiquitous in incel communities: the idea that the world is unfairly stacked against certain people more than others. People are born winners or losers, and you don't really get to change your station in life.

Fixed Mindset is dangerous because it takes away any personal responsibility or agency. It is a mindset that says "I'm [fat/ugly/stupid/lazy] and that will never change because of who I am". Obviously, this lack of belief in oneself means that any new obstacle is just another reinforcement of their own character failure. They stay poor, fat, weak, and stupid because they believe that any efforts to overcome this are doomed to fail anyway, so why try?

Growth Mindset, however, is where the magic happens. This is the idea that people can change. That setbacks are just that: setbacks. There are no natural winners or losers, there are people that persevere and people that give up. Obstacles are opportunities to grow, and failures give insight to future victories if you choose not to be overcome by them.

Say there are two people at the base of a mountain. They both start the journey and realize: this is a huge fucking mountain. It's high and cold and unforgiving. It's going to require a lot of time and effort and eventually, both people get worn out. The fixed mindset person says "fuck this fucking mountain. I'm weak and out of shape and it's too hard. I shouldn't have to even climb this mountain, why do I have to and other people don't? This mountain is cruel and unfair, and I'm too much of a fuck up to deal with it. Maybe if my parents had taught me to climb mountains when I was younger". They pack their shit up and go home, defeated. The growth mindset person has the same difficult experience, tackles the same mountain, but views the mountain differently: they ask themselves, "What do I need to do to make this easier? What do I need to become to tackle this obstacle?"

Why are some people Growth Mindset and some people Fixed Mindset? I personally think a lot of that is determined when someone is very young. Did your parents teach you to overcome adversity, to tackle problems in different ways to get different results, did they model resilience and strength? Or did your authority figures blame the world, the government, the "system"? Or it could be something learned in adulthood from abuse, circumstance. There really is no rhyme or reason to why people are one way over another, but you can definite recognize the different mindsets when you see it.

Fixed Mindset is the definition of Low Value behavior. Someone who thinks the world is just being a mean bully, who thinks they are too weak to make any changes, or who demands that people never expect much of them? Low value bullshit. You can't negotiate with someone who thinks they're worthless or incapable of change; you'll spin your wheels and burn yourself out because there will always be a new excuse or justification. We don't date these people.

If you recognize this in yourself, the idea that you don't feel that change is possible for you, ask yourself if you have a fixed mindset or a growth mindset. Ask if you're the thing keeping you back from your potential, and figure out what you need to do to re-train your thinking and get to a place where you take ownership of your own loser behavior. Remember: many things in our lives are not our fault, but they are our responsibility. It's easier to stay a victim but you create around yourself a life that will never reach its full potential.

How do you go from Fixed Mindset to Growth Mindset? First, recognize it. Recognize where your self-defeating, self-sabotaging beliefs are limiting your potential. Practice mindfulness when you tell yourself you can't do something, and ask yourself why the fuck not? Ask yourself if your fixed mindset towards difficulties is working for you, and if not, ask yourself what you need to fix it.

Maybe it's find someone to keep you accountable, like a therapist or a family member. Setting habits are more important than "being better", because "the chains of habit are too light to be felt until they are too strong to be broken" - Warren Buffett.

Do the research and the work to make the changes necessary to level up and become High Value. Nobody is going to rescue you from the life you create for yourself.