I am 22 and he was my first serious relationship. I need to vent for a second so here we go.

We dated for 2 years and I broke up with him in September. He is emotionally unavailable, apathetic, and selfish as fuck. Serious childhood baggage with his mom and a dad who has been married like 3 or 4x and is not exactly a positive relationship role model. My ex was in a shitty spot when we started dating but of course I treated him like a project and encouraged him to go to college and he did. Magically as soon as his first semester rolled around, he never had time for me anymore and would lie to get out of spending time with me. Would cancel on me 10 mins before I was supposed to go get him (bc he doesn't have a car either). For the last year of our relationship we maybe saw each other 1 or 2x a week but it wasn't totally unusual to go weeks without spending time together. For my birthday this year, all I wanted was him to spend the night with me... guess what I got instead? Arguing and crying all fucking day then when he finally conceded to seeing me, I had to pay for my own froyo and he didn't even spend the night. Wanna know what I did for his birthday? Threw him a bday party with just me, him, and my 3 pets, got all 5 of us matching party hats, got him a specially made bakery cake, baked his favorite cookies (white macadamia nut so expensive as fuck too), and got his fav ice cream, decorated my apartment, and got him like 2 different expensive gifts. Including a golf gift card so he could have a boys day with his friends. In return, I got 2 hours with him that evening before he went to go drink with his buddies, and one of those hours he was fucking asleep. His bday was on a Wednesday. Said he wanted to hang with his friends Wed but would spend the night Thurs. Thursday rolled around and he cancelled, said he'd spend the night Friday. Friday rolled around and he cancelled so he could play poker with his friends and stayed up until 4 am drinking with them. I got super upset and we had a big blow up and I told him I was backing off until he made me feel special... he showed me where I stood with him by not talking to me for a week because he needed "time and space" to process things. I broke up with him the next Friday over the phone because I was sick of playing on his terms, then immediately went out with my friends that night.

Since then, I have dated and hooked up with multiple people and my social life is vibrant. I used my ex as an excuse to never go out, but this semester I've made lots of new connections and I constantly have plans. I also did very well for myself academically, killed it at my internship, am on a rec sports team, and just secured an internship with the fucking federal government for next summer. I'm beautiful, I'm thin, I'm funny as fuck and smart as hell. I'm great in bed and generally very charming. I know I am going to have a great and fulfilling life and eventually meet an incredible man. But why am I still so hung up on this guy?

I find myself frequently wondering why he didn't love me more/ enough/ at all. When we were together, I had confessed to him a few times that I felt like if I were more beautiful, smart, intelligent, etc that he would love me more and that I never felt like the woman he was going to marry. Now I know that the latter was my intuition telling me to gtf out of Dodge. But why does it make me sad? Why can't I just let go? He doesn't care. I texted him today asking why things happened the way that they did and he said, "They just did. Why are you thinking that hard about it" ummmm because we dated for 2 fucking years you emotionless fucking robot???? I blocked him after that.

In some ways it comforts me knowing that I came out on top. He is fundamentally broken inside and it will take an act of God and intense therapy for him to repair whatever it is inside of himself that needs fixing. And I am glad he isn't my problem anymore. I realized last night that for the first time since I can remember (this year at least), I've been sleeping through the nights and not waking up 1-3x anymore. I'm in a good ass spot and I'm doing really well for myself. But why did he not love me enough to try, literally at all?

Apologies for the wall of text, and if you made it to this point thanks for reading. Looking forward to hearing your thoughts.