How do you you switch your mindset?

Phoenix__Rising2018 · 2021-04-05T03:17:56+00:00

Good question for the main sub.

tellmesomething11 · 2021-04-05T03:40:19+00:00

For some, it comes naturally. And for others (many many others) it’s literally a skill set. What helped me a lot was first understanding detachment, not in a negative way, not in a “hippy” way; just basically “I want what wants me.” Being stoic helps with that. Look up stoicism, look up how healthy exchanges should be AND FEEL, look up how people approach “helplessness” via religion or meditation. It takes time to learn how to be indifferent if you’ve been taught the wrong way YOUR WHOLE LIFE.

I knew I struggled with relationships and attaching, so I focused on what I was good at being indifferent at. Which was work.
work is the first place to start, IMO. It’s not a family, it’s a job, and you can really learn indifference, boundaries and mean it!
once work is done, focus on family and friends. Again, with the same stoicism, same approach if they breach your boundaries.
by this time, you should be ready for a relationship. If you find yourself falling in love too soon, or being hurt- you haven’t mastered your skill set. You’ve missed the red flags, you’ve allowed yourself to be lovebombed.
if you feel hurt or clingy. LITERALLY ASK YOURSELF WHY. Most likely you are operating out of “lack”, (it’s been too long since someone showed me attention, I’m horny, he’s really cute, he’s rich, I want a baby, I want marriage, I’m old, I don’t wanna be rejected etc etc) as you exercise better self restraint, it will be easier to walk away and not feel wounded,guilty, sad....

Volperossa_ · 2021-04-05T03:49:58+00:00

I checked your post history and saw almost 2 weeks ago you posted about a dude that made you FWB for months. I understand where you are right now because I’ve been there. It seems you know your worth, but you want other people to see it too. The external starts to become internal when you stick with your values and boundaries. In the case of your post history, once the dude started showing indifference towards hanging out, and clear signs that he just wants to fuck with the least amount of effort as possible, you should’ve left. You wanted him to see your worth, which I get, but you have to stop that. When your actions really start matching how you value yourself, everything starts shifting. I was in the exact same boat when I first started FDS. I’ve always known my worth, and I’m great at not showing my cards, but it always sucked when others didn’t see it. There’s one major thing you need to focus on, which is detaching yourself from others actions and intentions. This may seem kind of irrelevant to your question, but I promise it isn’t. I don’t care how smart, handsome, rich, whatever he is, you don’t know the mental state he’s in when you meet, and that mental state has nothing to do with you. You knowing your value has nothing to do with making others see your worth, it’s making YOU truly see that worth, and uphold it. Would a woman who is smart, educated, kind, with a strong personality deal with an indifferent man that only wants her to come over for sex and not reciprocate affection, deal with that? Think of it objectively. Once I started actually upholding my boundaries, like truly upholding them, shit really started to change. Now, if a man treats me in a LV way, that’s on him, not me. I know what I offer, and I always know that I did my best. So the loss is his. Hopefully that helps!

2021-04-05T06:43:06+00:00

[deleted]

immortallogic · 2021-04-05T05:21:22+00:00

Remember firstly that nothing in life lasts. This will help you let go easier when things end.... Remember that any guy you have at any point... It's just for now, it's not forever. Partly why women invest so much of themselves, their time, their lives, their bodies to men, is because we're fed that romantic love is forever. It's bullshit. The only thing thats 'forever' (until you die), is your relationship with yourself. You are the only one that will always be around. So, remember brevity.

Secondly, keep written track of things. You may think they're HV, but they likely do things that rub you the wrong way. Eventually, these things will pile up and you'll leave, or things will end. When you miss them, remind yourself that things weren't so rosy. I can attest it makes it alot easier to let go.

Do not become too deeply involved early on. Limit your time spent with them, and your time communicating with them. I recently read the book 'the unbearable lightness of being' and while it turned out to be a pretty shitty, seemingly RP book written in the 80s lol, one good thing in there was this rule of the protagonist (who was a womanizing bachelor of sorts). His rule was to see women three times in quick succession and never again, or see them over a long period of time, but waiting three weeks at least, between meetings. I'm not saying wait three weeks, but I know from personal experience that early on when you're infatuated and want to see the person alot, you can invest waaay too much time and energy, and you'll get more easily Hung up like that.

Finally, I'd Honestly suggest not prioritizing men, ever. Better yourself, get more hobbies, educate yourself on more things, make that cake, and do other things like help other women where you can. Then the guys become just a cherry on top, and when shit ends, it doesn't really make a difference.

As women we're naturally more empathetic, but in order to protect yourselves we need to learn to be more selfish and give less of an f, And that comes with practice. Gl sis!

ENFP_Canadian · 2021-04-05T13:47:56+00:00

Catching feelings is a normal thing. You can still experience angst and pain if it doesn't;t work out with a HVM. I don't think there is a way to switch feelings off that have been developed even as you continue to vet men. Accept those feelings and accept that you can be both strong and vulnerable - it's not either-or.

Continue to do the inner work on yourself, level up internally. This might mean going into or continuing counselling/therapy to address any traumas or core wounds that need healing.

ShegoGreen · 2021-04-05T14:25:52+00:00

These comments are gold and very thoughtful. OP you better take notes!

Title	How do you you switch your mindset?
Author	gew114
Upvotes	98
Comments	7
Date	April 4, 2021 10:05 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/mk61bu/how_do_you_you_switch_your_mindset/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/how-do-you-you-switch-your-mindset.765034 https://theredarchive.com/post/765034

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