How to handle this situation?

haveanicedaytoo · 2019-12-16T23:23:51+00:00

I'm not sure if I have any advice because this is a weird situation. From what I know, Playboy is failing as a magazine even before Hugh Hefner died a few years ago. Google tells me their numbers are so bad they they had already gone down to publishing 6 issues a year instead of 12 and now are only going to be putting out an issue 4 times a year moving forward. So Playboy the magazine is basically on its death throes at this point. Which really begs the question, who in the fuck is still buying Playboy, and why?

How old is this guy? Does he have some sort of emotional attachment to Playboy stemming from his childhood? Did someone gift him a subscription? Does he purchase Playboy magazine because the stuff on the internet is just too disgusting for him? And why leave it out in the open where you or anyone else can so easily spot it? Was he just not thinking, or did he assume you'd be cool with it?

When you ask him, I wouldn't phrase it in a way that guides him towards the answer you want to hear. (For example “Oh is this a Playboy? I don’t agree with female objectification?” might lead him to respond with, "Oh no! Definitely! I hate female objectification! Some random friend got me a subscription as a joke! I don't even look at those awful things!") You should ask a more neutral way. "Huh... You read Playboy? I thought that magazine tanked a long time ago." Now he'll feel comfortable opening up and explaining why he reads it because he isn't feeling judged. You can then ask even more questions. "So... Do you watch porn online then? Or only this?"

And after you gently pull all the truthful answers out of him, then judge away! Ultimately it's your body and your life and you don't have to share it with anyone who views porn, that is your right.

Also, it's fantastic that you asked him to get tested and he immediately agreed. I've tried to tell other women that this is A MUST before you have sex with any new person and I get so much resistance because most of these women know the LVM they are opening their legs to would laugh in their face if they asked such a thing of him. Good on you for knowing your worth and demanding he recognize it too!

Ms_Tilly · 2019-12-16T22:12:00+00:00

I have never heard of anyone having those out in a living area. That's bizarre to me and would make my red flag radar go off.

I like how you told him to get tested. It lets him know sex is on the table if he's responsible about it AND also gives the trash a chance to take itself out.

idiosyncraticg1 · 2019-12-16T21:56:03+00:00

I agree with your last sentence. I think that’s a good way of putting it. If he hides them by then, bring it up.

MidnightCarp · 2019-12-17T00:32:03+00:00

You could use this as an opportunity to see if he is honest about the subject. If you ask in a neutral tone whether he uses porn (maybe not while you're at his apartment if the magazines are still there lol), and he says he's not interested in it or something equally absolute, you'll know he's lying. If called out he'll probably give some hasty cover story though for how the magazines ended up on his table by accident.

If he says he sometimes does, or only milder stuff like magazines, you can ask more questions and elaborate on what your dealbreakers are.

Oh, and considering how few people buy Playboy issues nowadays and especially leave them out in their apartment, it could also be an intentional move to make you notice and steer your thoughts or the conversation more towards sexual topics. A bizarre idea, but you never know. I remember when I had to live with my ex for a couple of months after we broke up and he had a date coming up (I wasn't at the apartment that night since I was seeing someone new already), he cleaned the whole place and carefully organized all the impressive intellectual books in a faux-casual setup on his desk, nightstand, etc. The books had been sitting untouched on the shelf for ages, they were mostly mine, and he hadn't even read some of them. Also his date cancelled. :D

surviveIIthrive · 2019-12-16T22:33:35+00:00

Hmmm it's too early to tell if he's a HVM. Plenty of women have thought so 2-3 months in only to be ghosted after sex. It's too early sis!! Don't let your guard down yet. I'm not a fan of 'come to my apartment & I'll cook you dinner' date. Not this early! It's a high brow way of saying 'Netflix and chill.' No, sir! It sounds like this was the 1st date or 2nd date. Big no no if you met online. The Playboy just chillin' out in the open, another red flag! Shows poor boundaries at best or intentional to steer you towards sex at worst. Don't say anything about it just yet. You're just gathering information at this stage. Be more calculating, less forthcoming!

Henceforth, only public dates until you've had a lot of dates under your belt and observed his behavior over time. And continue dating other men.

There is no need to have any probing or serious talks at this point. It sends a message that you're invested/attached and you shouldn't be. Right now, the message you want to send is that you're exploring, you have options, you're not putting all your eggs in one basket, you're interested but you're unsure if you're compatible etc etc. Keep it light and flirty at this stage!

ETA: Not sure why you asked him to get tested after 1 or 2 dates!?? It says you're def going to have sex with him. After 2 weeks of dating?? Sloooooow it down!

sadpourtoujours · 2019-12-17T04:35:00+00:00

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Dominemm · 2019-12-17T15:12:29+00:00

Just a different perspective, here. Playboy over the years has actually done some decent journalism, to the tune of interviews with Aryn Rand, John Lennon and even MLK. No, I am not disputing that it's a pornography magazine, but the intent behind Playboy has always been to be both intellectually and visually stimulating for male audience.

Frankly, it's one the decline cause there are too many words for today's pornhub and anime-girl depravity. I would ask generally why he had a Playboy magazine and see what he comes up with. I know the sub has a trigger finger for the commercial porn industry ( as it should!) but this is not the same animal as a gangbang video in my book.

11Limepark · 2019-12-17T16:35:43+00:00

These viewpoints are overly simplistic and extreme. Carry on ladies and may u triumph in all you do. Really.

11Limepark · 2019-12-17T02:38:48+00:00

The right impression re: your personal viewpoint based on the books you are reading? He should practice discretion I agree. It was just bad form but perhaps he did not realize it or hid it hastily. So when a man masturbates should be rely solely on past memories or stare into the void? I think you are painting all porn as extreme and bad. Women have always been objectified, in paintings and sculptures. It’s because we are beautiful and everyone knows it. Even the gods and aliens. Would you be less offended if he jerked off only to a clothed image of you? I think it’s an unrealistic stance to take, among other things. I gravitated to this site because I thought the women here were realistic and funny. Unlike the gender critical thread where everyone seems extreme and a bit grim. I think all this strategizing and preparing ones self to have a speech so soon re porn and what is acceptable with his own dick is a bit premature. Hopefully he won’t be if you ever get there. I understand the power of pussy. I have one and like to think I wield that power wisely. However, there are millions of women who also have one and are not scolding someone right out the gate. Not fun, not sexy and any guy with self confidence and who has all the qualities that you want would probably tell you to keep stepping. It’s not about lowering your standards it’s about boundaries and not trying to control his sexuality like you don’t want to be controlled. But hey. You do you.

11Limepark · 2019-12-17T01:41:00+00:00

I’m typically in agreement with many things on this forum. However, he has the right to jerk off and men are visual. All men do it and most watch porn. That is like a man demanding that I give up a vibrator if I used one. Be more discreet , but he has the right to beat his meat.

Title	How to handle this situation?
Author	sadpourtoujours
Upvotes	13
Comments	27
Date	December 16, 2019 8:55 PM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/ebl1ac/how_to_handle_this_situation/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/how-to-handle-this-situation.686819 https://theredarchive.com/post/686819

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