I talked to emotionally abusive ex today and it had been 68 days no contact. I feel sick and like I ripped open a still healing wound. There was nothing productive about the conversation and it was one big gaslit where he played “nice” while still being careless, cold and avoidant.

I am struggling to let go of feeling violated and soul raped by him. It’s like he held onto me and pretended to fight for me and care about losing every until everything reopened with the pandemic. When I ended it the final time (after trying to end it so many times) he stopped fighting once things started reopening, once he got his second shot he stopped caring to hold on at all. I feel completely used and told him this and his response was that it made him angry that I felt that way.

I’m so upset with myself for talking to him. I felt myself spiraling into self doubt and I don’t know what to do now. I’m feeling so incredibly alone and don’t have any true friends to just sit with, connect with and lessen the ache. I didn’t want to get back with him, I was just hoping for some sort of sign he missed me and cared. It hurts that he actually doesn’t. I tried convincing myself that maybe I was wrong, maybe he did. But he only cared to serve his ego. I feel so incredibly violated.

Any queens have advice for what they’ve done when they slip and break no contact? Do I just give myself more time to mourn again?