I did what I shouldn't have a I dated a guy from my town before I had to move out of state to finish grad school. He was insistent we could make it work at a distance so that's what I've been doing. Notice the i... I fell into the trap. I put in all the effort and stood by why a guy expected me to accept the phrase "I'm not good at romance, I lack romantic traits, you always knew I didn't do romance." What I really didn't know was the level of neglect I would recieve from a man who says I love you but I'm not in love with you. yet agrees with me that the idea of being in love and the associated chemicals are not healthy love. Live is my decision to stand by you everyday on bad days and good. But not when I hold no value that my mental health nose dives. Regardless, I tried, I was pathetic in the effort I gave this in the face of his zero effort. I absolutely destroyed my self esteem by tolerating his neglect. I hate myself and feel like I have no value because I let someone in who showed me by their actions I have no value. I'm in a top program in my field, I'm fully funded and have no student debt at the grad level. I've done this all on my own without family financing,, I lived overseas and worked with cultures people would ache for the chance to interact with for nearly five years. But when you let someone neglect you and you believe that's what your worth it cause this. It causes you to be now sitting here thinking my God, How diminished my self worth has become, how much I hate my own skin, how not worth it I am. How did I let this happen? why couldn't I, why can't I walk away? How defective am I that I would accept this treatment in place of being alone? What happened to me, where is my value? So I came back to the place that helps women know their value. Reminds them of what is and isn't acceptable. But most importantly, teaches you how to walk away and that not only is it okay but a necessity if you want to protect your mental health. So now I need to level out my emotions after my revelations last night. I need to reorient my focus on PhD applications and end this with my last scrap of dignity and grace. End it with a mind that is calm and unable to be swayed so I can focus on me and fix the damage i allowed him to create. Tho I would love to end this with a bit of a harsh truth but ill take getting to be the one that says done. Thank God for this thread and damn myself for falling off the FDS wagon. Dammit.