Is he playing me?

gravesearcher · 2020-05-11T09:52:11+00:00

I'm signing on here just for your post. I'm going to tell you this as the ex-wife of a 40+ man who left me for someone your age: he doesn't want you because he thinks you're special, mature for your age, or because the two of you have some kind of connection that surpasses age. He wants you for your youth and I don't mean that in the way of the looks department though I'm sure you look just fine. He think you're going to be easily fooled and controlled. That's the truth. Leave this man. You don't want him.

There is something wrong with men who go after women too young for them. I've yet to see one man who is my age and "normal" who wants a relationship with someone that young nor have I ever seen them continually seek out young women. In fact, they are often repulsed by it. Every single time I've seen it happen the man has some maturity issues, as well as emotional or mental problems and often large doses of misogyny.

Just to illustrate something for you:

My ex ALWAYS hung around people who were younger than him. Sometimes they were just a few years younger which still counts as his age group, but he often had friends with large age differences. I thought it was weird and it would bother or embarrass me sometimes, but I made excuses for it because he tended to make friends at work and younger people tended to be the vast majority of his coworkers because he worked in crap jobs. I chalked it up to them being the easiest or only opportunities he had to make friends. It was a huge red flag I stupidly chose to ignore.

There was one day a few years ago when I noticed he was euphoric talking about the "amazing" life advice he was giving his 19-22 year old coworker/friend despite the fact that my ex was living the life of a loser himself and the advice wasn't great. It thrilled him to feel like he was so knowledgeable and experienced. I compared his excitement over this conversation to a high school reunion event where he was physically making himself smaller and I could tell how terrible he felt about himself for being unsuccessful compared to everyone else because he lied about himself, his education, and his job at every turn. I stupidly never confronted him on the lying because I pitied him. I knew he was doing it because he felt inadequate.

He quit that job for a new crap job that had people of all ages. Did he make new friends with the people his own age who were finally relatable being in the same boat as him? Nope. He only "connected" with the 18-24 year olds.

When he started cheating on me with his nasty new coworker who was as old as our relationship, he insisted they were "friends" and he was guiding her because she's so naive and stupid. He even talked about helping mold her into a better person. Yes, he actually said all that. That grossed me out. At the time I was also boggled at how they could even relate to each other. What could they possibly have to talk about? Now I know her only real appeal to him was that she is a young and inexperienced which temporarily propped up his ego. He felt inflated because someone that young actually went for him and not only that, he got to be the big man because she's too stupid.

He made her think they had things in common and had some kind of connection or level of heart-to-heart understanding because he faked it. I actually saw this. I knew this man intimately for over 20 years. I overheard him lying and faking. He pretended to care about and take interest in things he would normally find annoying or even hate to just fit in with her. It's pathetic and immature of him to do. Teenagers do that crap. He had to take on her persona which means he had to act her age in order to make her feel like they were on similar levels and let me tell how pathetic and immature he acted when you compared him to normal men his own age. It was sad and cringy.

When we divorced, everyone left him. Our mutual friends thought he was vile for what he did to me so they wanted nothing to do with him. You know what he did? He started hanging out at his old work and made a few friends in the fresh new crop young 18-20 year olds there. He could have made new friends with anyone, mind you, but he didn't. There are apps he could use to specifically seek out new friends his own age. He headed straight towards the too-young-for-him-crowd.

He chooses people in their early 20s who eschew college or skilled jobs because they don't have the life experience to judge him as a loser. They don't make him feel bad about himself the way more successful people his own age do since they're choosing a similar life path as him. He feels propped up because his life experience gives him a leg up on them so he can feel slightly better than them. He can lecture when he wants to or "impart his wisdom" on these youngins who need his help and it makes him feel like the smartest man in the room. He can act like a child when he wants to and they generally don't question it the way people his own age do. They'll laugh or accept it or think he's cool. None of them seem to question a 40 year old wanting to hang out with 20 year olds. None of them stop to think "If my dad or mom started hanging around my friends or people my age, I'd be weirded out and upset and know something was wrong with them. There's something wrong here. Where are the people his own age?" He needs them to not be too aware to think that.

Seeking out people too young for them is a pattern and the reason behind it isn't good. I promise you this guy is doing the same.

DivineHag · 2020-05-10T14:21:19+00:00

A man who is not interested in you and not pursuing you can not be a HVM. What value is he bringing to your life to be an HVM??

Do you understand why you are attracted to men who are so much older they could be your father?

throw248348 · 2020-05-10T14:37:12+00:00

Is he using me for passing time, free validation, and entertainment?

Yes

HungryExamination · 2020-05-11T06:00:12+00:00

Any man in his 40s+ who consistently talks to women a decade or more younger than him is LVM.

ThrowRA-NWI-Region · 2020-05-11T16:03:10+00:00

Yes, he’s playing you.

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