Jealousy and comparison

ny-lady · 2020-02-08T22:50:56+00:00

Woah, /r/holup.

What's the rush? You are 21.

Pick up a paper bag, breath in, breath out as long as needed.

You are 21.

Do you know what happens to most women who rush into a serious relationship at 20 and 21?

They end up divorced at 41. If they are lucky.

Sometimes they have to stay in unhappy bondage until the day they die.

There are worse fates than not having a boyfriend at 21. Worse fates than death even.

So you had an unfortunate experience or an excellent lesson for the future. It all depends how you want to see it. If you keep focusing on how much a victim you were, you won't learn anything.

So focus on how lucky you were to find out about lvm now, at 21. Because now you know there are worse things than being single.

Right? RIGHT?

The next time you get a panic attack about not having someone, go over to /r/relationships, /r/relationship_advice, /r/deadbedrooms and meditate on your good fortune.

All of those people would give their right arm to be 21 and single again.

SavvyInNYC · 2020-02-09T00:55:28+00:00

Good Lord.. she’s engaged at 20?! That is.. a little crazy.

There’s a reason 80% of marriages fail if one or both parties are less than 25 years of age when they tie the knot.

Getting engaged at 20/21 is NOT something to aspire to. People that age don’t even know who they ARE yet (seriously.. your prefrontal cortex doesn’t stop developing until around 25).

Just because he appears like a HVM now doesn’t mean he will be the same in 2-3 years.. his brain is still changing and his personality is still developing.

Concentrate on yourself. Date. Figure out who you are and what you want from your future. What you want from your future partner. Explore. Have adventures. Live.

blackopium777 · 2020-02-08T23:02:27+00:00

So listen, my family pressured me for marriage since I was really young. I totally understand you, its hard because its your family and somehow you want to make them think that you're good enough. You make yourself vulnerable to LVM with this. You're 21 and simply havent found the right partner yet. I was 21 when I met my husband, but I looked around for 3 years until that happened. Some are just lucky, believe me I had friends who met wonderful men while I was confronted with LVM all around and it dis hurt a bit. But there is no rush. Try to think about your standards and how much they benefit your growth instead of searching for someone to marry. Not everyone ends up in a happy relationship with a HVM and while its sad as hell, we have to accept it. Try to be your own partner first.

N3wY34rN3wM3 · 2020-02-09T01:47:13+00:00

Don't compare yourself to her. I know it's hard, but comparing yourself to others and being jealous, especially relationship-wise is bad for your mental health. I know that her life, particularly her relationship, seems perfect to you right now, but I don't think you can ever know for sure. Also, don't take social media seriously, most people are trying to portray a perfect life (that only consists of their highlights) on social media.

Wanted to add to whycantweallgetal0ng's comment below. Although they look happy together now, you don't know what could happen in the future. As I've read in previous Reddit posts, people change a lot from 18-25 and relationships change course as well. I agree with her point that most people who get into a serious relationship in their early 20s get divorced/separated years into the future. It's because they probably weren't ready to handle the major challenges that happen in LTRs. I'll admit that when I was with my ex, I thought we were gonna be together until our senior years. Also, I know celebrity relationships are not great references, but Jenna Dewan and Channing Tatum were together for nearly a decade before they divorced (and then the internet was like "does true love even exist?") so you never know.

Lastly I know it's hard because they're your family and all, but try not to succumb to their pressure of getting you to marry early. I don't have much solid advice for this aspect except to keep true to yourself and stick to your core values even when you're being pressured. I hope it's easier now that you've found FDS. If my dad ever starts asking me when I'm going to get married, my answer will be "if and when I find a guy who values me, and if I can't, then it's whatever." I'll be happy being by myself.

daglowup · 2020-02-09T05:27:06+00:00

This exact thing happened to me with one of my best friends. We were both 19, now almost 25. I broke up with my ex long ago, she’s still with the same guy and they’re so happy (though they’ve been together 6 years and no ring so idk, but that’s side plot). Point is, everyone has their own path, and maybe you going through this was a lesson that was necessary in order to level up. Diamonds are made under pressure.

leahtwo · 2020-02-09T03:00:11+00:00

I know how hard it is to have your family ask you over and over when you will get married, but just politely and firmly tell them that you are looking for something very special and will wait until then. They don't need details. End the conversation there.

As for the rest, you're so young with so much future ahead! Learn how to accept nothing less than what you want and deserve. The rest will come eventually 😊

ny-lady · 2020-02-08T22:58:06+00:00

Those pressuring women to marry off just dont know what its like today. Even back in my day there was not an abundance of HV men and is wayyyy worse today.

You are human and its ok to have these feelings.

I sincerely feel bad for you young women specially looking for marriage/family and glad Im 40+. Not like guys cant be bad in my age bracket but I hope you get my point.

2020-02-09T01:48:20+00:00

Well the only thing that went wrong is she picked that guy and you picked another. That's why it's really important to be really stringent about your boundaries and your rules. I recommend reading the book not your mother's rules and following the rules for about 30 days. My life improved tenfold and I am now dating one of those really great handsome guys. You got to just cut a guy off the very first time he cheaps out on a date or tries to Netflix and chill etc. I mean on one hand it sounds harsh but on the other hand if you don't this is the kind of situation you're going to end up in and you don't have to do that to yourself.

Title	Jealousy and comparison
Author	uchiha_izumi
Upvotes	43
Comments	14
Date	February 8, 2020 10:14 PM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/f0yp91/jealousy_and_comparison/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/jealousy-and-comparison.683058 https://theredarchive.com/post/683058

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