Let's talk about marriage.

MagicAte_8 · 2020-01-19T09:44:06+00:00

There's nothing inherently wrong with it if you are DINKS (double income no kids)...at least not until you get old and/or sick. (Happened to an aunt of mine. After 20 years together his family stepped in and she was just the stranger.)

But this is what usually happens:

You are an "up and coming" young woman who is struggling with finances and he generously lets you move in. You never really get your finances together, there is no incentive and often no opportunity. Then you get knocked up and you stay at home, it's just cheaper.

If something goes wrong and you find your ass on the street, you'll be very dismayed about the fact that you wasted your youth slaving for him and his offspring and you're not even entitled to half his pension.

ETA: just to make sure we are clear, I'm not recommending the housewife model, even if you are married, unless there is an iron clad prenup and even then, I wouldn't completely rely on it.

Just like there is no foolproof contraception, marriage is not foolproof either and should never be seen as a valid alternative to actual financial independence.

MagicAte_8 · 2020-01-19T15:51:51+00:00

Marriage offers legal protections no other institution can provide. Until a woman or man is legally married, they are considered single no matter how long they've been with a partner. Only a few states and counties recognize "common law" marriages, and they can be hard to prove in court.

In the real estate world, it's a general rule of thumb that you should NEVER buy property with someone who you're not married to. Anyone who buys a house with their long-term boyfriend or girlfriend is laughed at behind their back because of how often those couples break up and never finish paying the mortgage. 🙄

Marriage is also important if the couple wants kids, as it's the easiest way for women to get child support and alimony if the marriage dissolves.

So while marriage is not the most appealing option for women, in order to create a standard and legally viable nuclear family marriage needs to be part of the equation. If you want to buy a house and have a child with someone marriage offers you the necessary legal and financial protections not to live a life of constant anxiety. 🏡

StillAwakeofCourse · 2020-01-19T11:55:52+00:00

[deleted]

Queen_Evergreen · 2020-01-19T13:07:35+00:00

One of the things I counsel my single or dating girlfriends about is that - you can’t actually avoid what marriage is — a merging of lives. If you date for 5 years. Surprise! Your essentially married. Your lives are blended. Maybe your finances. Certainly social relationships. But guess what, you never crossed important bridges. Most women put up with bs before they get married. There’s expectations s that go overlooked when you’re “just” bf/gf. What if you need to take time off work? Are you set up so your bf will step up or will he be looking at you with the side eye until you may “your half” of the bills.

Also it tells people how to treat you socially. It protects you legally in innumerable ways as you go through life with someone. Obviously, if you come from wealth you need to talk about things that two broke kids don’t. At certain point of being together and you have a life together there is what my mom called “the business of being married” all that life bullshit. Not being married becomes increasingly a pain in the ass.

There’s more. But that’s what comes to mind right now.

azngirl7689 · 2020-01-19T16:31:31+00:00

I’m with you. I had an ex who used marriage and my desire for it to manipulate me so I’m currently anti marriage for myself. He actually at one point “joked” that he’d fuck me over in a divorce and take all I cared about. Fun fun fun.......

Thank god we didn’t marry. I think I would marry after getting to know him fully over a couple years living together and had full knowledge of his family. I don’t think I’d rush it. I don’t think marriage means enough to me anymore. He ruined it for me but also helped me see that it wasn’t this amazing thing that everyone said it was.

psychsense · 2020-01-19T16:40:52+00:00

I personally don’t believe in marriage. It’s a cultural construct that started as a business transaction between families. The woman is treated like property being sold. At the altar they congratulate man and “wife”. You’re not recognized as a woman, but a wife is now your identity. For some people that marry non traditionally it works out but once you have kids, your identity is shrunken down even more. While your husband is able to make more money than you will and you’re forced to stay with the children, you become a slave. And if you both work, then you will have to financially support your family while doing all of the emotional labor. It’s always a lose lose in my eyes. The fact that so many women are stalked and killed by their spouses every day doesn’t help.

goatismycopilot · 2020-01-19T14:26:31+00:00

There is nothing wrong with being a forever GF. I would not live with or reproduce with a man who did not want to get married. But if I am forever GF then I am always going to keep my options open. Honestly I would never get married again either so I am not pushing " for" marriage but I understand why many women value it. In the US it still confers some legal and tax advantages and some companies will not let you put an unmarried domestic partner on your health insurance which is a big deal especially again here in the US where health care costs are batshit crazy and the cost of child birth is batshit crazy. I think in countries where domestic partners have the same rights/ advantages and they have comprehensive socialized medicine that gives good coverage and supplemental insurance is affordable the advantages are much lower and my guess is those countries have lower marriage rates. People may have deeply personal reason to want to get married and I am not inclined to tell them they are wrong.

StillAwakeofCourse · 2020-01-19T18:53:20+00:00

I really appreciate these comments; you've all given me a lot to think about.

Title	Let's talk about marriage.
Author	StillAwakeofCourse
Upvotes	36
Comments	22
Date	January 19, 2020 9:33 AM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/equbk2/lets_talk_about_marriage/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/lets-talk-about-marriage.684513 https://theredarchive.com/post/684513

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