A few years ago, I had a highly manipulative boyfriend, who liked to see himself as a self-help / yoga / spiritual guru in addition to being this wiz kid software developer. He constantly cheated on me with other women and didn't even deny or try to hide it. Instead he had made sure to instill in me that I was absolutely unlovable, ugly and toxic and that he was the only one to ever "give me a chance", but that I needed to work hard to keep that privilege. If I'd leave him, I'd be a toxic quitter, who didn't want to self-improve.

I was terribly lonely as a child, abused by my father, later disowned by his family in retaliation when my mother finally split from him, horrifically bullied in school because I never learned how to stand up for myself with a family background like that. I wanted to be loved so badly, had no self esteem due to my past abuse and knew the feeling of not getting any love as punishment very well.

This self-help guru callously used all of this to his benefit and gaslit me into accepting him sleeping around as - according to him - this was what any mature, woke adult would do and if I had a problem with it this would be a testament to my own short-comings, which also were the cause of my past abuse (talk about victim blaming). If I felt pain, it was not due to his cruelty, but due to my unwillingness to self-improve in order to be free of "unreasonable, toxic jealousy".

He would always say that I was free to sleep around too, if I ever found a guy who would want me (implying I'm too ugly, too unlovable). But even if I did, he claimed, he wouldn't react toxic and jealous like me, because he "accepts my sexual freedom" and is spiritually on a much higher plane than poor little me who is stuck in a jealous hamster wheel of a mind. Of course, in hindsight I realise that all of this was bs. He wouldn't have been jealous for the simple reason that he didn't care about me, if I was happy or in pain, if I lived or died. While I was with him, I ended up in hospital with a blood clot and when I tried to reach him, scared and in need of support, he didn't pick up the phone for WEEKS, because he was on a "spiritual journey" with another woman. I was so brainwashed that I was lying in my hospital bed wondering what was wrong with ME, terrified of losing him.

So this guy got me to read Medium where lots of self-important manipulators like him, especially from the tech sector, publish their bs takes on digital nomad lifestyles, self-improvement, woke liberal feminism laced with very superficial liberal identity politics. I used to religiously read it, even paid for a membership, because I hoped eventually I'd be woke enough for him to love me. I know... pathetic, but also just sad. :(

I didn't renew my subscription after it ran out, but I still get the newsletter. Today I was directed towards this gem: "I let my boyfriend have sex with another woman" https://psiloveyou.xyz/i-let-my-boyfriend-have-sex-with-another-woman-ce2492138185.

The author recounts being manipulated and pressured in consenting and partaking in her boyfriend's sexual adventure even though the thought of it made her cry and she felt vulnarable and upset. She only did it, because her boyfriend said he was disappointed in her not being fun anymore. In the end, she still comes to the conclusion that this was somehow empowering to her own sexuality and hasn't dumped the boyfriend despite recognising that he manipulated her. I feel so bad for her, because I was exactly in that mindset. To me she's not some pathetic pickmeisha, she is a victim first and foremost. I understand how it is to be taught by men that you are worthless and if you don't want to spend your life alone, you cannot make "outrageous" demands such as being treated with love and dignity.

It also made me realise that Medium is full of stories like that, where male gurus posing as woke feminists, pickmeishas, as well as true abuse victims with Stockholm syndrome, recount stories that make my skin crawl because they are triggering horrible memories from horrible times.

But then I was like ... wait a minute: The fact, that these horrible feelings are no longer omnipresent in my life and have been relegated to memories that have to get triggered in order to be felt, is SUCH an improvement. I used to constantly feel this dread and threat of losing the people, who are supposed to love me (my father, his family, my boyfriends), because I was callously abandoned by them so often as a punishment. Now I realise, I don't feel that threat anymore and haven't for quite a few years. I'm alone, yes, but I'm so safe and content and there is no more active pain in me like it used to all the goddam time when they were threatening and gaslighting me. The best thing was to be abandoned by absolutely every man in my life, because still I have myself, my mum, my pets and my girlfriends and none of them have ever caused me pain nor will they. It's telling how the one nightmare scenario that all of them always threatened would ruin me (ending up alone without a guy), actually made my life the best it has ever been. Maybe I should post THAT in the self-help section on Medium lol.