My experience with my LVM is difficult to put into words, because he was very careful to not be physically abusive. We met when I was 19 and he was 25 (red flag!) and we started dating almost immediately. My parents were against the relationship but being the headstrong pickmeisha I was, I moved in with him to show my parents who was boss.

I was told that my anxiety and my depression were too much for him to handle. I told him then we should probably end it if my mental issues were causing him so much anguish. He then said that no one would be able to handle them, and that he was the only one who could deal with me. I foolishly believed him.

He didn’t respect my stuff. I collect antique clothing. He put a skirt dated from the 1900s in a hamper with greasy oven cleaning rags. The skirt was ruined. He left my cashmere sweaters on the floor. He used a fluffy towel that was rather expensive that my grandmother got for me to clean the kitchen floor. He ruined my ceramic pans in front of me and then told me that they were just pans or that he didn’t do it and that I must have unknowingly.

He didn’t have sex with me. I surprised him in the shower once and he had a boner and he played it off as he was waiting for me (we don’t usually shower together so I knew that was a lie). He jerked off but wouldn’t have sex with me. I’m clean, I wash myself, I take care of myself, he still wouldn’t. He wouldn’t even kiss me deeply because he “hated the sensation.” He wouldn’t even cuddle me, he would rather sit and play video games.

I withdrew and he told me that I changed and that the relationship was dead. I agreed and then he changed his tune and begged me to give him another chance. I left. He kept messaging me trying to be friends but when I treated him as just that — a friend — he would get pissy and mean. So I blocked him.

I feel bad that I wasted two and a half years of my life. But the lesson I learned is that abuse isn’t always hitting, it’s learned helplessness, it’s gaslighting, it’s repeated unkindness. Anyone else have similar experiences?