Need some LDR Advice

heythere360 · 2019-12-26T03:10:42+00:00

Give me the cold, hard truth.

Girl, forget the lack of presents for a moment cause this-

He tells his mother, father, and friends every time we have a disagreement. I have expressed to him he should have boundaries and not talk shit about a partner to his parents, yet he thinks it is normal to confide in them.

-is unacceptable.

Let me tell you the cold hard truth. You cannot be in an LDR if your relationship is not ROCK solid. You must have virtually no doubts in your relationship and all of your conflicts are solved rationally, fairly and quickly.

Men who complain about their gfs to their families and friends are creating safe guards for themselves in case the relationship blows up or they get caught cheating/ flirting with other women. Painting you as the bad guy from so far allows him to behave any type of way while you’re apart. So when he’s off disrespecting your relationship, no one would bat an eye.

I am telling you this as a woman who is in an LDR right now, but also as someone who has seen first hand men do this to their LDR gfs who think they are madly in love from across the state.

You actually know that he talks shit. This is golden information. No man near or far should be venting about you to everyone. A close friend or two sure. But if the relationship is so bad he has to vent to everyone he knows, the relationship is probably not that great.

I’ve been with my bf 3 years. Long distance for 6 months. Have another 4 or so to go. The only thing we vent about is not seeing each other enough. So then he buys a plane ticket and it’s all good.

Also, if he’s loaded and not spoiling you or more importantly flying you out to see him, throw him away girl you can do better.

dizzingly · 2019-12-26T03:40:20+00:00

So odd that he’s 11 years older (and if you’re in uni I’m guessing he’s in his 30s) and telling his mom about everything...I could understand that for a high school relationship but for this it seems a bit odd :( Good luck to you!

MagicAte_8 · 2019-12-26T04:22:00+00:00

although he is wealthy...The past five months, all I get from him are nice phone calls.

Yeah, that's gonna be a no from me dawg. Does he know that planes exist?

For me, LDRs aren't about "distance makes the heart grow stronger" it's more like "outta sight, outta mind".

spotsandstripes9 · 2019-12-26T06:01:18+00:00

Hold up. So he hasn’t tried to buy you a plane ticket or fly to see you in five months??

Wtf. I was in a LDR with a guy for about the same time. My money situation was iffy because I was looking for a job, so he would pay for plane tickets for me to visit him or so he could visit me. We would try to see each other every 3-4 weeks. He was not wealthy, he just made it a priority.

I would break up with this guy, he isn’t investing ANYTHING into this relationship. And he’s telling your business to other people?? He sucks

Liferips123 · 2019-12-26T04:12:59+00:00

Cut the losses, I’ve been in a LDR for a year and at the very least he buys me lunch or dinner and sends it to my place to surprise me ect and he isn’t even rich.

I mean if he can’t even handle the minimal and it hasn’t even been that long then forget about it. And a big UGH to whining to his friends and mother. You deserve better. So much better.

Pizza-n-Lice · 2019-12-26T04:01:19+00:00

Yes cut your losses, or you'll just end up on /r/JUSTNOMIL. He's a mommy's boy.

HeroForHire369 · 2019-12-26T05:26:47+00:00

Nope. Fuck THAT shit. Any man worth his salt would be jumping through hoops to get you to stay committed to him while you are LDR, and he cannot even be bothered to even pretend to look at plane tickets and not talk shit about you to his family.

My ex was 13 years older than me and was super low effort (4/5 times, and yes, I DID do the calculations on this, if he said he would call me later he never would, silent treatment, multiple instances of shady behavior with his ex wife now that they were in the same state again, etc.). I will never be in a LDR again.

Please just cut your losses. It will be so much easier since it's been a while since you've seen him, I am assuming.

4 billion men in this world and you're gonna stick with one that acts like that, and you're not even physically with him? Nah, not for me. If you marry him your life will be hell like a shitty sitcom. Do you want to live Deborah's life in Everybody Loves Raymond? If he can't handle the courting phase without crying to mommy about things that are going on, it is not going to magically get better once you are married and actual real life shit happens.

As far as breaking up goes (your edit), you could do it over the phone if you feel that you owe him something. That he is disrespecting your boundaries, is not putting effort into the relationship, and you do not see a future with anyone who is acting like this in the courting phase of the relationship; how are you supposed to share a life, finances, and possibly even children with someone who runs to mom every time something negative happens? Or someone who clearly could not give two shits about your boundaries and what makes you feel respected and valued as a human being?

If you feel you might waver in your decision because you don't feel super confident in following your head over your heart (if this is what you truly want to do; please do not let me put words in your mouth), you could do it over text and then block... but that might not bring you closure, which might be important to you, depending on what kind of person you are.

Really, it's up to you and what you feel most comfortable with.

For me, since my ex was giving me the silent treatment and refused to answer my calls, I texted it to him and then immediately blocked. Be prepared he may be trying to contact you even while blocked if you go this route if you go through your blocked history messages on your phone. Just don't even look at them, and just delete them. They will be pathetic, trust me. Mine only stopped when I made it absolutely 100% clear I viewed him as devil sent and that I would never take him back, ever. Don't leave any wiggle room with them, if you're going to end it.

Trocek · 2019-12-26T12:18:33+00:00

Perfect example of a LVM

idiosyncraticg1 · 2019-12-26T11:08:40+00:00

If he tells his parents every time you fight, run. My ex did that, obviously painted a story about how I was wrong (when he was the wrong one), and his mom and family would kiss his butt and reinforce how I’m the wrong one. Then he would come to me, tell me how 3+ other people thought that i was wrong, and that shut me up. That’s manipulation. He shouldn’t be telling others EVERY time you fight.

bloompth · 2019-12-26T16:50:31+00:00

There're a fair number of things on this sub that I disagree with as far as material goods are concerned but LDR's require a certain degree of effort to make up for the lack of physical closeness. A not-insignificant portion of this effort is material and it's up to you to decide what matters.

I was in a LDR for 3 years with my now-husband. I was in graduate school while he worked full-time. He'd come every other month on average, stay in my city for 3-5 days, and we'd go out together to a ton of different places. New restaurants, attractions, museums, bookstores, etc. He picked up the tab 90% of the time (before anyone gets on my back about the missing 10%, I'll be clear and say I don't care to be paid for 100% of the time and I love picking up the tab for my loved ones. I don't do this for everybody so it's not an issue of being taken advantage of). He flew into my city on a regular basis for those years until we got engaged.

Some other things he did:

. Plan a surprise birthday for me from another country
. Surprise visited on another birthday
. Flew in for my thesis defense
. Sent me a box of cookies after returning home from a trip because he accidentally finished the cookie we were
sharing the night before

The little gestures haven't stopped now that we live together but they look different. Personally, I wouldn't expect the same degree of gift-giving now that we live together but when we were apart, his effort and those small gestures made a world of difference.

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goatismycopilot · 2019-12-26T14:16:40+00:00

Tell him this is not working for me and I wish you the best and cut contact.

Title	Need some LDR Advice
Author	BleuRaspbery
Upvotes	9
Comments	20
Date	December 26, 2019 2:49 AM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/efpq53/need_some_ldr_advice/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/need-some-ldr-advice.686243 https://theredarchive.com/post/686243

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