Questions from a Recovering Pickmeisha/FDS Newbie

Unable_Caterpillar · 2020-01-04T09:19:02+00:00

I live in a poor and uneducated area, so I don’t date much. I wait for a guy to show interest and vet whether we have shared values, and then go from there. In the meantime I work on myself, my career, and hobbies.
I’m not sure the exact details of what you mean here, but you can reveal it in a way that shows you personally wouldn’t put up with that. Like literally say something like, “I don’t know how she puts up with that. I would rather be out on the street then put up with that.” I also would wait to reveal it until you’re serious/he’s going to meet them. I wouldn’t wait until engagement though in case he does react poorly.

MelatoninNightmares · 2020-01-04T19:49:18+00:00

1 . I'm married, no kids, we have similar incomes, and we share all accounts except credit cards. Mostly because all our credit cards are from before we got married and it just never seemed necessary to share them. This works for us because we have similar financial habits and goals, neither of us are reckless spenders, and neither of us came into the marriage with debt, except a small amount of roughly equal student loans. We would likely continue to do this even if one of us made a lot more than the other, because our marriage is a partnership. Any success, and any hardship, is shared. I would never, ever share finances with someone I wasn't married to. We'd go through the obnoxious process of figuring out how to split things fairly and proportionally to income. That marriage certificate protects me. If my husband decided to empty the bank accounts and run to Miami with a mistress, I could divorce him and he'd be legally compelled to give me half that money back. Or I'd take its equivalent in assets, but you get the point.

2 . I was married before I discovered FDS, although a lot of the same principles applied in how I chose my husband. I wasn't dating when he showed up in my life. I actually hate dating.

3 . This is a messy one. In a situation like this, I'd recommend taking relationships slowly if they seem like they're getting serious, so you know for sure who he is before you start telling him about it. I would keep that kind of information about your family to yourself for a while, unless it's absolutely necessary. Like if you're going to a family event and he needs to know how to navigate some really messy interpersonal situations, like "Don't ask Auntie which of the children are hers, she's actually raising her husband's mistress's kid and you'll make her cry."

The thing is, he doesn't really need to know most of this information. Every family has drama and secrets. When they say "You marry a family," it's because unless someone is completely estranged from their family, these are people you'll be seeing regularly, their expectations of you matter, and their drama is unavoidable. But the most important thing is how the partner handles/is impacted by this drama. For example, a man from a family that is financially abusive with no boundaries is probably not worth it - you'll get drawn into the abuse and manipulation. A family with a lot of bad blood and unresolved issues might make for some uncomfortable holidays, but it probably won't directly impact your marriage too much. It sounds like your situation is closer to the latter than the former. A smart man may put the pieces together without having to be told. He may ask "What's the deal between your Aunt and Uncle, they seem like they hate each other?" And you can explain that he cheats on her constantly and they have a fucked up, toxic relationship.

So, I'd say play it cool and trickle out the information as it becomes necessary and relevant.

A few more things:

A good man should dislike an abuser or a cheater. But a good man will probably be able to be friendly with your family, even if he dislikes some of them personally.

And one last thing: if you are a victim of abuse, or grew up witnessing domestic violence, that is your story to tell. It doesn't matter if it's right or wrong, too early or too soon. You share that whenever you feel ready and safe to do so, or never, if you don't want to.

Comments