Recovering pick me

Ka_Tetof99 · 2020-06-03T04:54:01+00:00

Oh honey, no. Absolutely don't give him a second more of your time.

I've been dating this guy a few months, he treats me well hes super sweet and makes good money. He buys me nice things, super doting, very smart, etc.

A couple months is nowhere near long enough to make a good value judgement on his character. People can hide their bullshit for a surprisingly long time, as you've found out. And anyway, all of this is absolutely basic-tier treatment from a partner. He should be treating you well, that's not a noteworthy positive thing at all.

However, a month or two ago i caught him texting other girls flirting "🥵🥵" etc, and in a few other lies.

This is an immediately block-worthy action here. Best case scenario, you haven't had any kind of "exclusive" talk and he's still fishing around for options, which means he isn't as enthusiastic and committed to you as you want him to be. Worst case scenario, you're exclusive and he's actively going behind your back to talk to other women. Either way, he's prioritizing outside attention from other women, and can you honestly say you can trust him to not always be looking elsewhere for that?

We got in a big fight so i ignored him all night because i was unsure what to do, he showed up at my house, walked over because he didnt have access to his car at the time, and waited 4 hours for me to come out becasue I was sleeping.

RUN. GIRL, RUN RUN RUN. This set off klaxons in my head so fast. Four hours? Waiting outside your house? Sis, that is some Michael Myers shit. That is supremely dedicated scarecrow in a haunted corn maze shit. That is not well-adjusted human being shit and it's nowhere near Halloween. Again: best case scenario, this is wildly out of touch and a terrible way to communicate, because a normal human being would have tabled the conversation for morning and then reached out to continue it respectfully and in person and not just materialized at your house. Worst case scenario, this is love-bombing, "big dramatic gesture to show you mY uNdYiNg LoVe" fuckery in a ploy to make himself look like some rom-com Prince Charming and make you swoon - and judging by your post, it worked.

It was very sweet, and I forgave him but firmly told him if i catch him in the slightest lie i will be gone so fast.

This is absolutely not sweet. This is tone-deaf, potential love-bomber, do not pass GO, do not collect $200 shit. If I had a man show up and wait outside my house like he thinks he's Edward fucking Cullen, I would be out of there so quickly I'd leave a dust-shaped me silhouette. In addition - why should he believe you? He's learned that all it takes to earn your forgiveness is make one token Big Rom-Com Gesture and everything is kosher again. The real apology is changed behavior; the real HVM move is to, you know, not flirt with other women in the first place.

Sis, you deserve better. I ask you - why are you willing to put up with disrespect even once? Why are you willing to allow a second crossing of boundaries before you feel justified in cutting the cord? I want you to meditate and ask yourself what you think you're worth, if you'll accept peanuts like this guy is reluctantly giving you - and not even real peanuts, the shitty bright orange marshmallow garbage kind. You're worth more than the minimum level of effort.

chateauduchat · 2020-06-03T05:58:07+00:00

He did it once, he’ll do it again.

2020-06-03T08:08:06+00:00

It's not sweet its stalkerish. He isnt respecting your boundaries and need for space after he behaved horribly.

He has shown you who he is, believe him

Zeniite · 2020-06-03T04:24:11+00:00

You told him if you CATCH him in a lie. What he heard is “Even though you’ve already been dishonest, I’m okay with knowing that I’m dating someone who lacks integrity so long as you hide it better next time, so be sure to delete the texts and put a passcode on your phone” I’ve played it up for emphasis, but I hope you get the message. Not once in my 30 years have I confronted someone about their lies or disrespect and seen them change their ways as a result. One of my psych professors once told me, “people don’t change - they just act different for a little while”

AyemHerself · 2020-06-03T04:02:59+00:00

It doesn't look good. Generally when you catch someone trying to cheat and forgive them, it tells them they can keep doing it without consequences.

Why did he do what he did, how did you catch him, and what behaviors is he changing to ensure he'll never do that again?

If you don't already have answers to this, I'd definitely move on.

greyblueeyes_ · 2020-06-05T00:09:13+00:00

Waiting 4 hours outside your house isn’t sweet, that’s creepy as f :/

throwawayitst · 2020-06-03T05:35:43+00:00

One firm chance is okay but id still make him win your love back. And dont forgive him until its a fuck yes kind a feeling. I dont think i would if i was in your shoes have forgiven so easy. Id just be nonchalant start chatting up other men tbh

Title	Recovering pick me
Author	peytoes
Upvotes	34
Comments	12
Date	June 2, 2020 11:43 PM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/gviqzf/recovering_pick_me/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/recovering-pick-me.674594 https://theredarchive.com/post/674594

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