Seeing someone who’s anxious and a bit insecure

cutsforluck · 2020-08-21T17:15:29+00:00

First, I think you need to determine whether this guy is LV or HV.

LV vs. HV are inherent traits, you cannot transform LV into HV. LVM may put on a HV mask, but is still LV. I think there was a thread about this the other day. Basically: You can't change doo doo into gold.

If he is LV, it's not your job to build him up, and it never really works. He will never really be a solid partner, and will only drain you dry if you decide to stay and 'build' him.

I think LV vs HV really shows when there is some type of conflict. For example, say you call him out on something that hurt your feelings. Is he open to feedback? Does he show that he cares, and try to modify his behavior? Or does he deflect and project-- 'not his fault', 'didn't mean it', or even worse, call you over-sensitive/insecure, and then try to turn the tables to make YOU feel bad for calling him out? How does he talk about himself re: problems in his life-- is it never his fault, is he always a 'victim' of someone/something?

eveninghope · 2020-08-21T18:04:41+00:00

Have you called him on it? To me, the difference is like, does this person want to make the change for themselves. Is he leeching off your confidence to fill in his own emptiness? Or does he recognize this is an issue and is searching for the answer himself?

idiosyncraticg1 · 2020-08-21T18:41:03+00:00

[deleted]

2020-08-22T00:31:54+00:00

I believe if you have to worry about anything it is because you have a gut feeling. I have learned I cannot control other people, persuade them to be a certain way, or manipulate them in any way and get the results I want. Could work for a little while and then it will end badly. I feel like my only power is to pick someone who constantly shows me what I mean to them and builds me up. This stuff shouldn’t cross your mind. I don’t believe you can change a LVM because they think really oddly. I don’t think LV can turn to HV.

43rdaccount · 2020-08-22T04:23:12+00:00

this is a good question i muse about sometimes.. my two cents: let's say this relationship is for real.. then the anxiety must get adressed at some point, right? it probably wont disappear on its own. either he starts reading self help books, finds a group and makes more friends, goes to therapy -- whatever it is, some event will need to happen, a beginning to the change, for his own sake

if i were in your position, maybe i would share how im dealing with these types of issues as a sort of motivator? like how i would share my achievements from working out or other hobbies and aspects of my life in order to kind of normalize being healthy or at least proactive about your own psychological evolution. i would tread carefully as you dont want to be his therapist yourself. good luck sis!! 💜

ultimately, i personally would want to be with someone who takes mental health seriously, as intentional practice. depression and anxiety are quasi guaranteed to hit us over a lifetime, so i value addressing mental health as a constant habit

IntrepidStorage · 2020-08-21T21:54:46+00:00

Insecure is not a HV trait.

If he knows this about himself and is actively working on it, he may still be a HVM, nobody's perfect (but I'd wonder why it's still an issue, if he isn't on the younger side). But insecure people are usually too insecure to admit their insecurity and it doesn't get better.

samarsharqi · 2020-08-22T04:59:08+00:00

Insecurity can lead to infidelity. Some people are a leaking cup and will never feel stable no matter how much love you pour into them; it is never enough.

How do you know he’s insecure? What are you basing that off? Nerves don’t have to mean insecurity

alichuchu · 2020-08-22T15:06:56+00:00

it depends on what the insecurities are and how he handles the insecurity. do these insecurities and anxieties get in the way of his life? your life? does it get to the point where it feels like you constantly have to reassure him? essentially does this inconvenience you? and how is he dealing with it? because if you answered yes to these, he needs therapy and you probably need to break up with him. if it’s just that he gets anxious in public/ big crowds of peoples, or has some little personal insecurities that he’s currently trying fix, and he can handle them, then hopefully all is well. do not be his therapist!!!

Title	Seeing someone who’s anxious and a bit insecure
Author	idiosyncraticg1
Upvotes	19
Comments	13
Date	August 21, 2020 1:45 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/idwzy7/seeing_someone_whos_anxious_and_a_bit_insecure/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/seeing-someone-whos-anxious-and-a-bit-insecure.167394 https://theredarchive.com/post/167394

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