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View 3 posts and 170 comments by cutsforluck on TheRedPill subreddit and various other subreddits related to The Red Pill community.
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Upvotes Title Category Author Subreddit Date (UTC)
6625

FDS HUMORcutsforluck/r/FemaleDatingStrategy10/10/20 02:40 AM
2232

LEVEL UPcutsforluck/r/FemaleDatingStrategy07/06/20 02:57 PM
1989

FDS HUMORcutsforluck/r/FemaleDatingStrategy25/07/21 02:23 PM
Upvotes Comment on Subreddit Date (UTC)
15

I hear you and I agree. However. Like you said: they make it easy. You screen and eliminate them up front. No time or energy wasted. It's the fakers, abusers, and manipulators that you have to worry about. The guys who say they want the same thing as you, 'something serious.' They realize that they haven't met quality women with their 'don't know yet', so they figure they'll do better if they game the system. They seem nice, smart, funny. Just had some 'bad luck.' Maybe they tell you a sob story…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy01/03/22 12:15 AM
53

I haven't been following the Kim/Kanye thing, but... Can't help but notice the similarities with the lyrics to 'Flashing Lights.' This was written in 2006-7. ​ I know it's been a while Sweetheart, we hardly talk, I was doing my thing I know I was foul bae-bae A-bay lately you been all on my brain And if somebody would've told me a month ago Fronting though, yo I wouldn't wanna know If somebody would've told me a year ago It'd go, get this difficult Feeling like Katrina with no Fema Like Martin w…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy11/12/21 08:04 PM
153

The bodycam footage enraged me, and I only saw parts of it. I've BEEN in Gabby's place, and from the comments, it seems that many of us have. How much do you want to bet that she doesn't have 'OCD'? That Laundrie was trying to shame her for cleaning (while he didn't lift a finger), and told her that she must have OCD for trying to keep things clean? That she was 'bringing him down with her bad vibes' [I can feel my blood pressure rising as I type this] I know the label 'narcissist' and NPD get t…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy25/09/21 04:09 PM
198

I like how these men accuse women of using crying as manipulation...why? Because that's what THEY do! Notice his sarcastic guilt trips too, meaning to deflect responsibility off of him and make her feel bad: 'well sorry I'm not rich, you should have married a millionaire' Lying, manipulation...this is just the tip of the iceberg. I agree with you 100% that she should get an annulment.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/08/21 11:18 PM
7

🎵 IN YOUR EYES 🎵
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy26/08/21 05:58 PM
181

Notice how, conveniently, the blame is shifted onto the woman as not being 'good enough' to 'make the man settle down.' Clearly, she is deficient and just 'not the right one.' **/s if this is not abundantly clear.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy23/08/21 01:41 AM
46

The irony is that this is a sisyphean task-- the more we 'chase' or are simply around these types of people, the greater the feeling of 'not good enough, need to do more' becomes. When we're in a state of quiet knowing: of knowing and being solid in our worth, we don't need to prove ourselves or chase people. And others who are solid in their worth also 'mesh' better with us. This is not just contained to the area of romantic relationships, but can affect every area of life-- career, friendships…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy19/08/21 11:18 AM
307

You are 100% correct here. I have also been reflecting on how I used to brush off or excuse red or yellow flags. This led to me wasting a lot of time in relationships that were not for me. Other people will certainly be quick to judge this as 'too picky', and the particularly nasty ones will say something like 'that's why you'll be forever alone!' I'd rather be alone than with a LVM/NVM sucking the life out of me.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/08/21 04:29 PM
74

door creaks open slowly and ominously, you see me peering with one eye through the crack I whisper... pad thai 🍜
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy05/08/21 12:59 PM
119

Very true. I remember something another wise redditor said, [paraphrased]: 'HVM don't swipe women like a takeout menu, it just doesn't appeal to them' I've been contemplating trying dating again...been out of it for a few years. However, the thought of doing dating apps fills me with dread. But it doesn't seem like there are any other realistic ways to meet people, either. Catch-22.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy05/08/21 12:03 PM
21

Yes. I also dated a covert narc, and they are absolutely the wolf in sheep's clothing. I also realized something 'funny' when I was well out of the relationship: he would assign a label to me, for something that he was actively, maliciously, consciously doing to ME. It was like pro-active projection, like 'she can't accuse me of doing this if I claim that SHE is the one doing it' For example, he would rant that I was 'entitled' (???), while in reality, HE was the one demonstrating that he felt e…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy01/08/21 01:30 AM
8

Ooof, that's a sore spot for me, too. I got along so well with my last ex's parents. They were so sweet to me, interested in me as a person, and I genuinely liked them. It still hurts my heart that they're out of my life...but it's definitely for the best, because that ex was a toxic, personality-disordered asshole.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy29/04/21 02:18 AM
304

Absolutely agree. Special consideration to how he treats his mother, and how his father treats her. This shows you the expectation of your [future] role. Any resentment he has for his mother will likely be taken out on you (paging Dr. Freud) Also: the truth is often told in jest. How they joke with/treat each other will eventually include you. If they are tactless when first meeting you, it does not get better. Sometimes it is to provoke you, but generally it's just their own dysfunction that th…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/04/21 12:42 PM
26

I can absolutely speak for this. Certain 'spiritual' people love to push the concept of 'forgiveness' or even 'send [the abuser] love!'. I experienced this while healing from a breakup...hadn't even yet realized that ex was a narc at that point. Most therapists and many 'professionals' simply don't understand abuse, either. So it just led to a layer of shame, self-flagellation that I 'couldn't just forgive', and really delayed realizing the truth: that ex was personality disordered and incredibl…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy27/04/21 10:52 PM
49

Damn straight. Unfortunately, society pushes the narrative that emotional/psychological abuse are not 'real.' However, these types can be even worse than physical abuse and cause severe long-term damage. Or even worse, scapegoating the victim that they somehow 'caused' the abuse. No one gets it unless they've been through it themselves.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy27/04/21 09:36 PM
9

I think it totally depends on your personal values. In my case, I value FREEDOM. I need full autonomy in how I spend my time, my lifestyle choices, and how I use my resources (money etc). I also don't *dislike* children, but like other commenters, I never had that 'maternal urge.' Basically, it seems like a bunch of shit I absolutely don't want: would have to totally compromise my values and lifestyle, take the risk of severe, permanent physical health detriments-- all of which I find unacceptab…
/r/askFDS16/04/21 08:58 PM
10

💯 Had an ex who just had to smoke as soon as he got in his car after work, and smoke the entire drive back in traffic. Weekends were smoking from the moment he woke up, to the moment he went to sleep...of course. People love to say 'ya but weed's not addictive'-- it is absolutely an addiction. And what I've realized is that addiction is a symptom, not a cause. It's basically a coping mechanism for severe psychological problems: it is not just about the weed, or whatever substance. His problems w…
/r/askFDS30/03/21 09:01 PM
26

AND we dated "nice" uggos, who were ALSO abusive (or straight up mean, angry, neglectful, cheap or stinky). Alright, this made me LOL. I made the mistake of eating while reading this, and it almost went down the wrong pipe. The unfortunate truth is that some guys are several, or ALL of those things. And they do the mental gymnastics-- which turns into something like the 'correlation is not causation' fallacy. That being a 'nice guy' causes them to be overlooked...when the truth is that they are …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/02/21 01:28 AM
61

Flippin' A. 'What's good for the goose is good for the gander'... For me, I've realized that it's actually much more than 'skin deep.' Take physique for example: if the man is in shape, it means that he takes care of his body-- working out, eating right, staying away from drugs/alcohol. I'm not talking about 'perfection', just a reasonably-good standard. Taking care of your body = respect for yourself. I hold myself to a high standard, and make sure I am taking excellent care of my body, because…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy17/02/21 10:23 PM
6

Exactly. OP, no one can really tell you what to do. You know your relationship best. However, you should ask yourself if you could live with this trait long-term? Assume he stays exactly as he is now, is this workable in 10 years? Often people's negative traits worsen over time, and become cemented. They almost never get better. In the meantime, I strongly recommend looking up 'gray rock', and disengaging the moment he becomes argumentative.
/r/askFDS09/02/21 10:59 PM
13

Agree with what's been said-- specific careers aren't necessarily a green/red flag. What I look for is congruency with their values. Do they know what is important to them and make sure their career aligns with their personal values? Are they generally happy/have a good attitude about their work? And if they're not happy, are they working towards changing it (instead of just complaining)? Is this career path sustainable, with high demand for the foreseeable future? There's also lifestyle compati…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy09/01/21 11:55 PM
39

Exactly! He likely resents her success and higher earning power, and this is his way of lashing out. Under the guise of 'fairness', of course... I've had similar dynamics play out in past relationships, and it's so damn confusing when you're in it. You wonder if you're being the unreasonable one? After all, his argument is about 'fairness'? Am I being unfair? So glad that you have a supportive partner! It's really about working as a team, caring enough to support the other person, and just doing…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/12/20 05:44 PM
251

115 hours per week = 16 hour days, 7 days a week The fact that they twist this to say she's 'part time' because it's not every week is deranged. These people never change-- they only care about themselves and how they can twist facts and leverage their power over you. EJECT 🪂
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/12/20 03:36 PM
4

You are correct! My experience has proven this, repeatedly. I've responded like that example many, many times. And the guy either 'forgets' to talk later, escalates ('you always do this!!' and gets angry), or dismissive ('fine whatever') The common thread is that they just don't know/don't care/feel that they got away with it.
/r/askFDS26/12/20 05:52 PM
9

Depending on what the author meant in this example of 'being nice', my impression may/may not totally apply here... I've done this in the past: overlooked really shoddy, inconsiderate behavior. I rationalized that my expectations were just 'too high', so I kept my mouth shut and just pulled back. All this did was invalidate my feelings-- I didn't acknowledge them, and the guy thought he did nothing wrong because I didn't say anything. Obviously this depends on the specifics of the situation, but…
/r/askFDS26/12/20 05:41 PM
19

In a world that is constantly trying to get women to keep lowering the bar, we need this reminder. To stand SOLID IN OUR WORTH. Thank you 💗
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy25/12/20 12:43 AM
10

'I'm going to feel more feelings than I feel for you' Ok, poor English aside, most LVM are basically trying to sell us the same idea, with comparable eloquence.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy25/12/20 12:40 AM
104

Yes yes yes Every time I caught the 'ick' in past relationships, I realized that the man had shown me a fundamental lack of respect. I didn't realize this at the time. I thought there was something wrong with me? Didn't help that they were all 'nice guys' so I 'must be the problem.' I even had a gynecological exam to make sure there wasn't a physical problem. Now I know better.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy24/12/20 06:01 PM
2

Thank you for your detailed answers-- what you've said is so similar to exactly what I have written for myself! Your fiancee sounds wonderful, and it warms my heart to see a reminder that there are true HVM out there :) I wish you all the happiness in the world! 💖
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/12/20 01:40 AM
16

Don't forget, under 'C' - husband conveniently took out a huge life insurance policy on wife and/or kids a few months before he killed them. And you're spot on about what they say about the victim - 'always smiling/her children were her life' Nice, she threw her life away to build a family with a monster, who then disposed of her as if she was garbage. You may even have either/both in-laws defending the murderer of a husband. 'He wouldn't hurt a fly!' 'Such a nice guy!' This is one of the most t…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy20/12/20 04:45 AM
18

Contrary to what a lot of people think, anger isn't just a 'bad, no-no' emotion. It is usually what motivates you to stand up for yourself and stop taking abuse. It is the spark that ignites change for the better. I think it's very common for people to internalize the abuse, and subconsciously may think it's their fault, that they are being abused because they are inherently bad in some way. Anger is what lights the way to saying F*CK THAT. FDS is actually what kick-started my healing journey, t…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy19/12/20 10:55 PM
77

Ah, this work of art transports me back to memories of toxic personality-disordered ex... He just had to get drunk, so I had to drive his car back, 3 hour drive back on icy two-lane, two way rural highways. He was in the passenger seat, playing stupid music really loud, bouncing off the walls, doing whatever on his phone. Argument ensued because I asked him to please stop distracting me, as I was focusing on keeping the car on the road, and not dying if the car spun on a patch of ice. He started…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy19/12/20 04:53 PM
59

Same here! For everyone asking about the 'pre-screen call'-- it's very conversational. Basically gauging that this is a normal person, with whom you can carry a conversation, and the energy flows relatively easily/no immediate turnoffs. This is usually when you can sense if something is seriously 'off', and it's a very bad idea to go out with this person. Someone can sound ok through written communication, but totally off when you hear their voice. For example. Back in the day, I messaged with a…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/12/20 09:35 PM
76

It plays right back into the false narrative that women are just victims of their own capricious emotions. And in turn, men in relationships fall victim by proxy. It's convenient, because this narrative absolves these men of all responsibility to be decent and respectful on a basic level.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy12/12/20 03:35 PM
35

Right! As soon as I noticed that in one of their 'rules' that FDS was considered a hate sub, I left immediately.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy05/12/20 08:31 PM
46

Oh...duh. Follow the money.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy05/12/20 12:44 PM
23

Can you clarify what 'space' means here? For some people, 'space' means 'I'm not going to text you for today, but we'll talk tomorrow.' and for others it means 'I'm going radio silent until I feel like contacting you again'.
/r/askFDS05/12/20 11:57 AM
29

This applies to all areas of life, not just romantic relationships. Just remembered a few months ago, when my boomer boss cut me off in a Zoom meeting, and announced to everyone 'I want to apologize to everyone for interrupting you' and I still can't make sense of that (he didn't apologize to me, but to everyone else?...) I'm a fairly laconic person when it comes to speaking, and am very strategic in choosing effective words (in order to say more in less time), so I know that I wasn't long-winde…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy05/12/20 01:59 AM
219

LVM see you either as a workhorse, 50/50 splitsies Or an irrational, 'delicate flower', unable to deal with her own capricious emotions. Whichever argument is convenient to the point they want to make. Can't have it both ways...
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy04/12/20 11:13 PM
55

FDS has played a significant role in my realization that my ex was a narc. It's wild how someone can project 100% of their own responsibility onto others (my narc ex sent me an opus of an email after I broke up w/him, citing my *not doing enough to correct HIS mistakes* was responsible for the demise of our relationship)...it's funny now, but definitely not funny when you're in it, being abused and confused as hell. Combine that with a woman conditioned to take responsibility that is not hers...…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy03/12/20 10:11 PM
16

OP, you hit it on the head. This is one of those things that seems like a 'non-issue' to third parties, but it is actually a huge red flag. Even though I am technically 'white', I am first generation living in America and identify STRONGLY with my roots. It is a huge part of my identity. I unfortunately dated a narcissist, like you...and he had a similar intolerant, knee jerk rejection of things that were (and are) important to me. I have actually been thinking about this for some time, and what…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy02/12/20 03:23 PM
28

I agree with every single comment here. OP, the LAST thing you need right now is someone stressing you out like this. You need to focus on your health and getting better. This will be impossible to do with someone who is not only not supportive in a basic way, but actually turns it around so your health issues are 'about him'!! Something similar happened to me last year, which was my final straw. My heart goes out to you.
/r/askFDS26/11/20 12:34 PM
71

No joke. Next time a guy pulls some LV bullshit, look bewilderedly around the room and loudly announce 'I DIDN'T ORDER THIS?! RETURN TO SENDER'
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy26/11/20 12:01 AM
81

Don’t try too hard, don’t look desperate, don’t be needy, don’t be clingy, don’t chase. Also, and this is the big one, you will never find love until you love yourself—and let me tell you, that is an unwinnable game if I ever heard one. Our society spends literally billions of dollars reinforcing the reality that you are unlovable, but then tells you it’s your responsibility to love yourself in order to be worthy of the love of someone else. Don't forget: 'if you want to be loved by a partner, y…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy25/11/20 11:57 PM
13

Wow. As someone unfortunately familiar w/narcs, this is an epic hoover. Your response is even more epic! I wouldn't be surprised if he tries again. Trying to reach out via phone/social media is one thing, but straight up showing up to your house? Sounds like you're emotionally well-equipped to handle this, but please make sure you are physically safe.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy25/11/20 09:21 PM
43

I just start limiting my time around toxic/LV people. No need to declare 'I am cutting you off!', just think of it as clearing space for HV/healthier people. Is this someone you want to completely eliminate from your life, or let them fade into the background?
/r/askFDS24/11/20 11:15 PM
15

She lifts the lid off of the silver serving dish, to reveal a plethora of bananas
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy24/11/20 10:47 PM
47

Here are some things that I did... 1) I call this an 'autopsy.' Wrote down examples of shitty things he did. So if you have those twinges of guilt, you can glance at this list and say, 'wow, yeah, asshole!' 2) Trying to actively 'stop' feeling something usually creates resistance, and MORE of that feeling. So I would apply some meditation-type techniques: do not try to stop or resist your feelings. Let them flow through. Write them down. Dig into them. This will help you process them and make pe…
/r/askFDS23/11/20 10:58 PM
23

Totally, with a 'hot girl that doesn't know she's hot' trope undertone.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy23/11/20 09:03 PM
3

https://support.google.com/mail/answer/8151?co=GENIE.Platform%3DDesktop&hl=en
/r/askFDS23/11/20 08:49 PM
4

Gmail does have a block function-- this is the easiest fix here. This guy is not your responsibility. Why the hell is he reaching out to you, after 8 YEARS, for support? No good reasons here. I don't recommend replying at all, but if you really feel like you have to...a one sentence 'I cannot help you, please don't contact me again' is ok.
/r/askFDS23/11/20 08:39 PM
34

This is terrible behavior from anyone, let alone someone that you consider a friend. The danger of this dynamic is that you may internalize it, and it sort of runs in the background and saps you of energy. I live by the idea that abundance creates more abundance. I am happy for my friends who do well, and I expect them to be happy for me. If they are not, I need to re-evaluate that 'friendship.' She sounds like a very unhappy person, and is trying to bring you down to make herself feel better.
/r/askFDS23/11/20 08:13 PM
12

Translation: I am going to send you a dick pic, and rage how 'unfair' it is that you would not send me nudes. I am only asking for an equal exchange of knowledge, why do you have to be such a bitch. Also my brain glitches at the 'certain amount of respect I would love to obtain with you.' This is word salad.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy20/11/20 11:22 PM
15

Holy shit. I thought I was paranoid from watching too many true crime shows. That's it. I'm going to have a super intricate, airtight will.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy19/11/20 03:10 PM
58

If I'm reading between the lines correctly... Basically he wanted to get rid of her Uhh... I've seen WAY too many murder shows lately with common factors of 1) entitled spouse who lacks empathy/capacity to love, 2) huge life insurance policy that makes spouse the sole beneficiary.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy19/11/20 02:53 PM
41

You are expected to produce two perfect tears that fall from your eyes in synchronized timing, that you catch with a perfectly manicured fingertip before they could ruin your makeup. A smile immediately returns to your face, and your attention goes right back to prioritizing your partner and their whims.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy19/11/20 04:09 AM
11

100% all of this. I'd also like to add-- forgive yourself for allowing his poor treatment. You may be sad for a while, and have many thoughts that make you doubt your decision to go nc, but remember that that you are choosing YOURSELF even when it feels difficult, and are on the road to becoming a HVW.
/r/askFDS19/11/20 01:53 AM
30

So cute 😊 HVM in the making!
/r/askFDS18/11/20 11:43 PM
34

Nothing to gain, EVERYTHING to lose. I learned this lesson the hard way.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/11/20 09:37 PM
16

Before I blocked covert narc ex, he sent me this world salad opus email...basically blamed me for all of the problems in the relationship. Including when he got drunk and smashed his own car radio (while I was driving his car, because he 'had to' drink). Once, early in the relationship, I had commented that I felt like I had trouble 'living in the moment' (like, you know, any normal person in this modern world). And he weaponized that. They do this intentionally to MESS WITH YOU. Don't let it in…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/11/20 06:12 PM
36

THIS JUST HAPPENED TO ME THIS MORNING I still want to puke.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/11/20 06:08 PM
33

This puts new meaning behind the phrase, 'breaking you off'
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy17/11/20 08:42 PM
14

Sit with those feelings. Go deeper. Find their source. Sometimes trying to just 'move on' creates resistance, and you may get frustrated with yourself that you 'can't just move on.' When I broke up w/abusive ex, I made a written list of the horrible things about that relationship. I call it an 'autopsy.' Sometimes these feelings are trying to get us to look at something we may be missing. Don't just try to push them away, they may point you to something that you may benefit from healing. Of cour…
/r/askFDS17/11/20 12:14 PM
105

My narc ex, WORD FOR WORD
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy12/11/20 09:25 PM
12

It sounds like you've made a lot of progress on your own, which is great. If you think the tools you have been using have reached their limits on usefulness, it may be time to introduce new tools. Therapy is invaluable-- if you can find a trauma therapist/specialist in domestic violence, that would be ideal. Your sympathetic nervous system is still jacked up. Which is totally normal. Find ways to soothe yourself (therapy helps here too)-- do some self-care every day (yoga, walks, time alone, a n…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy12/11/20 08:18 PM
32

Could be. In my case, I actually rationalized that my expectations were too high, I was too picky, or I was 'just looking for something.' Or worse-- that I actually caused the red-flag behavior. I guess it depends on what we define as a red flag. Hindsight is always 20/20.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy12/11/20 08:01 PM
22

Extremely selective. If asked 'how's work going?', I usually just say 'good!' or 'ok!' and either ask them a question back or change the subject. I would love to have healthier people in my life-- I am always happy for others' success, even if I happen to be in a 'valley.' Would be nice to get the same. I don't cut people out unless they're really toxic, just recalibrate my expectations from them.
/r/askFDS28/10/20 01:55 PM
52

Take everything with a grain of salt. Be able to listen to input, basically say 'cool story' and take what applies to you, leave the rest. I have come to expect a level of lukewarm platitudes and bs from those around me. They mean well. It's just not particularly useful input for me. I remind myself where these people are coming from, what interest do they have in me making certain choices? Some people feel 'justified' in their own bad choices if those around them are also unhappy (misery loves …
/r/askFDS28/10/20 01:44 PM
38

This is a really dark truth, that I think is unpalatable to most. Doesn't make it untrue.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy26/10/20 01:32 PM
131

Crying is blackmail Ie, feelings are blackmail. If you show any emotion aside from unbridled positivity, you are a party pooper and a bad person. How dare you make him feel bad because you're upset (*even if he is the direct cause of it). You are just too much, and it is not fair that he has to deal with you. That being said, most of this has to be a joke and/or written by someone with a 13-year old mentality.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy23/10/20 07:07 PM
4

Good vibes right back to you! That is amazing! It's those small gestures that show genuine interest and care-- about you as a person. Sounds like a HVM 😉
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/10/20 11:04 PM
38

'Parts included are for display purposes only - Functional parts sold separately'
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/10/20 05:10 PM
385

The problem is, my comfort zones win every time. If I work late, no one complains at me. If I want to eat a sliced up banana with peanut butter and watch Sailor Moon, no one busts my chops. If I toot in the middle of the night, no one throws me out of bed. I don't know...if there's someone HV enough to shift my perspective on this, universe, send him my way!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy21/10/20 11:25 PM
16

I have seen this a LOT. I have a theory that boomers/gen x give the younger generations attitude to disarm us-- they accuse us of being 'entitled' if we demand fair pay for our work. They claim that we want 'things handed to us' and think we're above 'paying our dues.' So this creates kind of a dissonance/split-- you subconsciously think 'if I demand to be paid what I'm worth, that makes me entitled. Better keep my mouth shut' And that's how they get away with paying third-world wages for first-…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy21/10/20 09:54 PM
7

Woo thank you!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy21/10/20 04:17 PM
44

Hahahaha As a young woman working in an old man-dominated field, I'm definitely an outlier. I've been asked if I do 'marketing'--interestingly by both men and women-- because apparently it is too much to imagine that a woman works in this industry in a non-'support' role. edit to clarify: these are men/women met while networking, or at industry conferences (ie not coworkers)
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy21/10/20 03:05 PM
12

'did you tElL him to not slap your cats? clearly this is your fault because you lack communication skills.'
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy10/10/20 02:31 PM
6

It's a little eerie how similar what we both experienced seems. My very best friend was one of the select few I confided in...the entire time, she was telling me how me and my ex reminded her of her + her fiance, and we just needed to learn to 'communicate' and everything would be perfect. I didn't fully realize he was abusive (and probably a narc/personality-disordered) until many months after leaving. I told her once I had this realization and she said 'yeah I knew.' I was shocked...she KNEW a…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy10/10/20 01:56 AM
32

No one really understands abuse unless they've lived it. I had a similar realization: I did not trust my own judgement to leave an abusive relationship. Because he was 'such a nice guy' to everyone else, I thought I was the problem, and didn't trust my own perceptions. Always trust yourself. Strong boundaries, integrity, listening to your intuition. Realizing this and doing the work to bounce back is the first step to an amazing future.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy09/10/20 09:38 PM
29

Funny, I just picked up that book a few weeks ago. I understand the 'cognitive distortions' and breaking our own negative thought patterns, but vehemently reject the idea that we're somehow responsible for abuse inflicted on us, and we must change our 'negative thoughts' about it. As I've learned [the hard way], if you deny and reject your feelings of justified anger at being mistreated, this actually causes way more problems. And sets you up for more mistreatment as you rationalize it away and …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy09/10/20 09:19 PM
24

Ahhaha that makes sense. Kids these days... sits on my porch and gazes into the horizon Then again, I have also seen the exact same mechanism play out in much older 'men.' Now I find this 'black and white' thinking kind of funny. They refuse to temper their view or take a more balanced, constructive approach, and automatically default to the other extreme: 'all hope is loooossstttt I'm worthless blahh' You'll notice that this keeps them in the 'victim' role, and therefore someone needs to help o…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy09/10/20 05:51 PM
50

YES. I think I read the same post this morning. While it may simply be a half-baked theory based on that individual's [very] limited anecdotal evidence, it seems to also touch on deflecting responsibility ('Everyone else MUST be the problem!'). Whether this is from lack of self-awareness, or simply not knowing the root causes and thereby finding an effective solution, I can't really say. Also, romanticizing the past will always happen. People love to reminisce about the 'good old days' but forge…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy09/10/20 03:20 PM
72

So I think the LVM/NVM would split into two camps... If they were somewhat redeemable/open to positive change and personal development, they would level up. The way-too-far-gone would see this as 'blahh I can't get what I want the world is against meeee' and get even worse. Hypothetical scenarios. I love it, lol.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/10/20 01:16 PM
19

Yup. It's also important to forgive that version of yourself...it was doing the best it could, with what it knew.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy24/09/20 11:43 AM
54

Exactly! Your parents mold your ideas of what is 'normal' or 'correct', and it's not always right...
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy10/09/20 01:17 PM
260

As I've grown up, I realized that the hurtful part isn't simply the physical 'discipline'. There is an emotional/psychological aspect is by far the most damaging-- being threatened and screamed at by an out-of-control adult while they hit you, means that this is someone who is not capable of successfully regulating their emotions. And if they can't do that for themselves, they certainly can't teach you.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy10/09/20 12:40 PM
66

'Chill' = ok w/dude who watches sports/plays video games in his free time, ok w/his regular alcohol and/or drug use, because, you know, he has to 'chill' Basically he means a woman who would deal w/all his shit and not push back. No goals or ambition in life. Hard NO from this corner.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy03/09/20 03:35 AM
10

Exactly! Communicating preferences = cool Communicating to request that partner treat you with basic human decency and respect = lost cause. Pull the ripcord 🪂
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy02/09/20 02:22 PM
87

COMMUNICATE
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy02/09/20 01:44 AM
2

Thank you to all the mods! And welcome new mods. May be a silly question, but how do we 'level up' our flair? Is it solely at mods' discretion, or do we have to request it (but we can't request flair?)
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy02/09/20 12:09 AM
29

AHHHHH I was searching for this meme!!! This is one of my favorite lines from the entire show!! I mean, really, like a goddess! ✨
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy29/08/20 10:16 PM
24

You know what. Normally I'd say something 'sensible' here, but I'm kind of salty today so let's have some fun with it... [Obviously do what you want, this is very tongue-in-cheek, at least this may just give you a laugh] Tell him you've reconsidered his offer to contribute to your household expenses. After all, 4 out of 7 days of the week is more than 50% of the time. So it's fair to ask him to pay the proportionate amount, which is actually 57.14%. If he balks at this, ask him, 'what, you thoug…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy29/08/20 05:57 PM
170

Don't you know that a man being rich is like a girl being pretty? You might not marry a girl just because she's pretty, but my goodness, doesn't it help?
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy29/08/20 03:14 PM
40

I think I found it especially funny, because I am close w/my little brother, and he gives me unfiltered feedback on my exes, too. Some of his gems include: 'he was just a frat boy, nothing special' 'he was just a scummy <local uni> type guy' It's phrased in a way that cuts to the bone, but I find it wildly funny and still laugh about it, years after the fact(s) 🤣
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy29/08/20 01:49 PM
143

'Have you seen his face' lmaooo I would go as far to call the idea of your post 'gaslighting', on a sociocultural level. Men cause damage to whatever extent, then blame US, women, for being responsible for their behavior. No one is 'holding them back' from their self-development, other than their own selves. Being very beautiful--and even very intelligent as well-- does not save you from bad treatment. Nothing will, except your own boundaries.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy29/08/20 01:37 PM
25

Right?! You feel so 'mature' at the time, but then you reach their age and you realize...what the hell was wrong with this guy
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/08/20 06:16 PM
15

Don't apologize, this is a safe space 😊 I would bet that pretty much all women have been gaslit into doubting themselves. It's a question of when they realize it, the extent of the damage, and recognizing when it happens going forward.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/08/20 03:57 PM
39

Hahaha. Every. Time. This may actually start from the outside...someone tells you that you're 'overthinking' something (may range from benign intentions to toxic)...then you internalize this and tell yourself that you're 'overthinking' something. See also: 'gaslighting' Or am I just 'overthinking' this?
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/08/20 01:32 PM
10

I agree with this line of reasoning. BUT-- also coming from a strong culture, where it's been drilled into me to assess the family-- I do pay close attention to the family background. But the ultimate key is in his attitude and values today: has he objectively analyzed the toxicity around him, and decided that he is going to be different? Say that he came from a less-than-ideal background, but said 'hey, I realize that I went through a lot of messed up things, but I've gone to therapy, worked th…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/08/20 12:29 AM
58

It may be a troll, but then I remember how dumb I used to be when I was younger... My college boyfriend asked me to reimburse him for the cost of gas for his car. The car that I was not allowed to drive, and he was 100% REIMBURSED BY HIS WORK for gas. But, according to him, I had to pay 50%, because 'we should split things.' I wish I could go back in time, and force some sense into myself.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy27/08/20 03:32 PM
26

Same. I will join you in the nunnery 😝
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy27/08/20 11:54 AM
7

How did he respond when you told him that you need commitment? Say he decides to proceed with getting married-- is he open to going to therapy to resolve the anger issues? No one is perfect, and showing that he's willing to work on it and actually make meaningful change in this area, sounds like it may be necessary for you to work long-term as a couple.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy27/08/20 01:54 AM
15

I really like your approach and wording. When I was doing OLD, I made a point of speaking on the phone before meeting, which definitely helps weed out some of the crazy. If the guy balked at this, he's OUT.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy27/08/20 01:28 AM
7

I would still pay attention to his spending habits and attitude regarding money. Don't assume that because he makes a lot of money that he manages it properly. Make sure that your approach and outlooks regarding money are similar. This is a little hard to explain-- also make sure that you don't feel 'beneath him' or that you have to compensate because of the income discrepancy. On a more positive note, the fact that he works for a purpose and not out of necessity is great, and he may inspire you…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy24/08/20 09:57 PM
8

Oh heck yes-- Loving yourself isn't vanity, it's sanity! I'm working on this, too. I noticed a layer of guilt and shame when I try to do any self-love (can almost hear narc saying 'how dare you put yourself first, do you even care about anyone but yourself?!'), and I wouldn't be surprised if others who have been through narc relationships feel similarly. Work in progress!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy24/08/20 08:48 PM
95

Because preying on the vulnerable allows them to exploit our resources, which in turn benefits society. It lets 'boys be boys', because 'that's just the way things are.' So women are expected to grin and bear it. Society doesn't care about the individual, her standards, or her emotional well-being. Maybe it throws us a scrap or two ('feeling better yet? ok, go out and date, get married, reproduce'). LV/NV behavior of men is practically encouraged by others' acceptance ('well, you did your best, …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy24/08/20 05:05 PM
19

FDS is wonderful. Check out r/NarcissisticAbuse and related subs for more narc-specific content. It sounds like you are already versed in narcissism, and you know what to do. Please know that leaving and breaking the trauma bond is one of the hardest things you will ever do in your life. Are you logistically able to leave and go no-contact with the narc? No-Contact is the only way that allows the dust to settle and for you to start healing. It's going to take time and a lot of work, but know tha…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy24/08/20 04:53 PM
44

The dysfunctional man-child who is 'magically transformed' by the love of the 'right woman.' 🤣
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy23/08/20 04:35 PM
14

An "interesting" thing I've heard from several guys throughout life is that if they're single and their female friends are single, they'll automatically want to bang them. I can vouch for this. I have a male 'friend' who told me this, almost word for word. We've known each other for over 15 years, and the rare instances during which I was single over this span of time, he has tried to move things in that direction. Even after I clearly and directly told him that I think of him almost like a brot…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy23/08/20 12:59 PM
9

Agree. However...OP, it's important to note something in this: but how do I make others see that? You don't 'make' anyone see anything. If you feel like you have to 'sell' someone the idea that you have worth as an individual, it's not an interaction you should invest in further. Next time you feel the pull to do something for your partner (or anyone else), pause and ask yourself, 'do I really want to do this? Or am I doing it to receive love/commitment/whatever?' When you pause to examine this,…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy23/08/20 12:26 PM
13

First, I think you need to determine whether this guy is LV or HV. LV vs. HV are inherent traits, you cannot transform LV into HV. LVM may put on a HV mask, but is still LV. I think there was a thread about this the other day. Basically: You can't change doo doo into gold. If he is LV, it's not your job to build him up, and it never really works. He will never really be a solid partner, and will only drain you dry if you decide to stay and 'build' him. I think LV vs HV really shows when there is…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy21/08/20 05:15 PM
84

Thank you for this. I realized my ex was a covert narc months after ending the relationship. I dug through some of my journals from when I first met him, and was surprised I saw it so clearly in the beginning. I straight-up said 'he needs to devalue me'...like you, I rationalized it...that I was 'oversensitive', 'picky' and other lies that we are told (and end up telling ourselves). I will always heed my intuition from here on out.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy21/08/20 03:40 PM
79

Haha! My lvm of an ex with 6 figures of student loan debt and irresponsible spending habits insisted on a prenup (we were both early 20s, not even engaged, he brought it up super forcefully...that's not worrying.../s). It didn't sit right with me. I told my dad, who scoffed and said 'it will protect you more than it does for him.' I definitely want a prenup. It's a *major* red flag if the guy brings it up in a bad, nonconstructive way, though.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy20/08/20 09:18 PM
2

This is a tricky one. The 'popular' school of thought is to not interfere, and let her figure it out on her own. To me, this approach translates to 'watch the trainwreck happen, do nothing to prevent it.' However. Sometimes, the people in these situations think that 1) they did something to cause the partner's abuse, so maybe they deserve it, and 2) this likely comes from being in/having observed abusive relationships while growing up, and thus normalizing them. There is usually some gaslighting…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy20/08/20 05:54 PM
15

You're not stupid. You're trauma bonded. It's totally normal have this thought about going back, even though logically and realistically, you will not consider it. There is nothing you could have done/could ever do differently. This type of individual is a black hole. He's not a 'garden variety' jerk, he is toxic and probably personality-disordered. No matter what you did for him, how much you tried, done things differently-- he would have found a way to invalidate you and suck the life out of y…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy12/08/20 07:58 PM
35

No joke! I don't know which is worse: the guys who think this, who are emotionally immature (at best...), or the women who think they need to morph into 'one of the guys' to be loved.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy12/08/20 03:07 PM
44

Exactly! You're guaranteed the exact opposite lol
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy11/08/20 09:23 PM
3

They certainly can and do show emotion, but remember that the emotions are self-directed. There are different subtypes of narcs. Not all of them are the stereotypical egomaniacs. There's one called the 'covert' / 'closet' / 'vulnerable' narc-- they hide it extremely well and most people think they are 'so nice'. Your concern is healing from the damage done by his toxic behavior. It's a process. Check out that sub, start arming yourself with knowledge and support <3
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/08/20 03:44 PM
3

The precise reasons vary by individual, and you may never actually figure it out because they hide the truth. What I figured out with my narc ex, and sounds very common for most who've experienced narc relationships: they feed off of your emotional reaction. They are perpetually bored and empty people, with no capacity for empathy. They get energy (called 'supply') from those around them-- even arguing (have you had the 6 hour arguments about nothing?) feeds them. Who does this shit? Sick people…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/08/20 03:24 PM
7

Yup, 'sour grapes' all the way. NVM: 'I don't want a girl who's a gold digger!' Same NVM: has 1 gold coin that is actually chocolate
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/08/20 03:15 PM
2

homeless cousin of The Weeknd Seriously! This made my day lmaooo
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/08/20 03:03 PM
4

There's something about toxic/narc relationships that makes the bond extremely difficult to break. So the typical advice of 'block and delete' really isn't enough. From the push/pull dynamics of this type of relationship, you've created a stronger bond than a typical/'normal' relationship. Look up 'intermittent reinforcement' and 'trauma bond'. r/NarcissisticAbuse has a lot of great info. By their nature, these types of relationships are volatile and leave you feeling very confused but unable to…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/08/20 03:00 PM
90

Hell yes. In my experience, people who try to tone you down tend to be weak characters. 👋🏼
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy07/08/20 08:36 PM
21

I think the ultimate lesson here is about trusting yourself. Listening to your gut, paying attention to your feelings, and acting on them when you KNOW that something is not right. Regardless of what ANYONE around you says-- even your best friend, parents, or any professional. Don't rely on them to call it out. Even if they know your entire situation, they may look at it through a 'lens', or even if they know something is off they may not necessarily call it to your attention. It doesn't matter …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy03/08/20 10:28 PM
24

YOU GET NOTHING! YOU LOSE! 🙌🏼
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy31/07/20 07:31 PM
28

If someone cannot do the bare minimum in a relationship without being told to do so, they have no business being in a relationship. Can we pay a skywriter to write this? I totally agree with this post, and think not enough attention is called to this issue. I've found a few things from my own experience...the line between 'gamer' and 'guy who games' may be a little blurred. The key here is to look for obsessive/addictive tendencies. Maybe the guy does well professionally and 'games' in his free …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/07/20 11:34 PM
5

You see I do what they can't do, I just do me 😎 Also Gwen Stefani is a prime example of the non-existent 'wall.' She's 50 and looks PHENOMENAL.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/07/20 04:48 PM
29

First off, go with your gut about the day trip date-- if it makes you uncomfortable, do not do it. Second, I don't think it's useful to impose a hard rule about how long someone was single before meeting you. Someone may have been single for a month, but already processed the breakup. Someone else may have been single for 3 years, but still emotionally attached/not over his ex. I think a better way to approach this is to ask something like, tell me about your last relationship? Then just let him…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy16/07/20 01:45 AM
8

Ok, first off, head over to r/NarcissisticAbuse Narcissists are skilled at gaslighting. So if you've been gaslit over a long period of time, of course you don't trust your own judgement. That's a perfectly normal reaction to having been gaslit. Second, look up 'trauma bond.' This is likely what you have formed with the narc, as a result of the toxic relationship. Especially if you've grown up in a family with those tendencies, it feels almost normal/comfortable to be in a toxic relationship. I'v…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy11/07/20 08:03 PM
5

I'm going to throw out a few questions and suggestions... First, it's not really clear why you're dating during covid-- I'd assume you worked in healthcare and lived alone before covid, too? What exactly are you looking to find? You want a partner for a serious, long-term relationship, just to date around and distract yourself, or something else? Your criteria is good but pretty broad. I would actually go deeper and more specific in terms of personality and lifestyle. Based on what you actually …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy10/07/20 11:14 PM
12

Gaslighting is particularly dangerous, because it is an insidious form of manipulation. If you stayed, you would begin to doubt your own senses and perceptions. It would ultimately destroy any sense of self you have. As someone who's been with a gaslighter-- it's extremely hard to see when you're in it. Most other people may make excuses for the gaslighter, making this much worse for you. I second what u/Phoenix__Rising2018/ said about writing everything down-- but it may take a little while. Us…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy10/07/20 12:09 PM
15

I applaud your awareness, both of the situations and of yourself. Something I've realized only recently, as someone who was also 'optimistic' and 'focused on potential'-- is that women with high standards, are guilted into lowering their standards. They're told 'oh your standards are unrealistic' or 'everyone has problems, just work through it' etc. So I, like you, ignored red flags in the beginning, because I rationalized that my radar was 'over-sensitive.' WRONG. Society tries to condition wom…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy05/07/20 11:53 PM
30

Hypocritical in the most ironic way, and clearly disorganized. 🧺 (this is supposed to be a trash can)
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy05/07/20 03:34 PM
33

Yup. Anger will fuel you to reject this type of bs and hold high standards going forward. To give you a little more fuel...sounds like there's some degree of gaslighting here (' I don't believe he doesn't remember but you can't exactly call him a liar'). People who do this will emotionally abuse you. Be glad that you dodged this bullet. And get angry enough to reject anything close to this type of behavior from now on.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy05/07/20 02:37 PM
10

Can we...make this into a pamphlet and distribute it? This is INVALUABLE knowledge.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy04/07/20 04:47 PM
61

With surgical precision.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy03/07/20 02:29 PM
6

Absolutely agree. Even as someone who has done a LOT of work, I know my 'normal-meter' is still a bit off. I think learning about toxic vs. healthy behaviors could be a semester-long course topic, haha. It doesn't help that people misuse the term 'toxic', and throw it around if someone disagrees with them or something minor like that. You've made a great point about the fine line here. I'm going to brainstorm on this, and am very open to further thoughts and discussion from you or other FDS memb…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy25/06/20 04:39 PM
14

Lessons, including but not limited to: ​ Society romanticizes toxic/dysfunctional relationships. There are endless examples. Let's take Disney movies. Belle from Beauty and the Beast. She 'changed' a beast into a handsome prince with her 'love.' What the hell is that? We know that this is fictional, but we internalize it and create unrealistic expectations for future relationships. Know yourself first. Know how to take care of yourself and fill your cup first, before trying to take care of other…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy25/06/20 04:15 PM
13

First of all, kudos on doing the work and making the positive changes post-breakup. I think you called it re: OLD-- if you feel 'ugh' about it (and rightly so), you will get 'ugh.' Take a break, go out and do things you love. Focus on self-care for a while. Know that it's ok to do things on your own timeline-- you want to make sure you're with the right PERSON, not just a body to couple up with and have kids (I know that's not what you're saying/you want). A lot of my friends are married (I was …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy24/06/20 08:22 PM
37

💯 There are many permutations of the 'nice guy.' The guy who is nice to everyone else, but toxic to you, relies on the perception of others that he's a 'nice guy.' So if you ever confide their toxic behavior in someone else, they won't believe you or will brush it off, because 'he's such a nice guy.' He's 'nice' --> you must be the bad one. 'Nice' guys are often weak, passive, unmotivated *negative* value men, who hide behind the facade of 'nice.' That they should get away with hurting you becau…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/06/20 05:38 PM
6

Haha yes! I think the underlying intent is 'good', because it pushes you toward fulfilling their ideas of happiness. Now I'm in the process on unraveling the bad programming to make sure I only allow positive relationships + HVM. Ie, my idea of happiness.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/06/20 04:40 PM
35

I think it's a combination of all three factors. Personally, I received a lot of this 'well-meaning' but toxic advice from my family and closest friends. Let's take my mother, for example. She's an extremely intelligent, career-driven, high-powered 'go getter' type of woman. But when it comes to relationships, she's the first to tell me 'he's a nice guy, just see if you can work it out' (translation: stay and take the emotional abuse for the sake of being in a relationship. maybe you can even ge…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/06/20 02:45 PM
15

You've described an ex of mine. He always hid behind the excuse that he 'doesn't know what he's doing', and his extreme self-loathing. Even worse, everyone thought he was 'such a nice guy', so if there was a problem, it must have been my fault <insert gratuitous eyeroll> They rely on confusing you. No matter how smart you are, how strong and capable-- you can still be vulnerable to their bs. Even worse when you get toxic advice from well-meaning friends reinforcing that you should 'work with him…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy12/06/20 02:49 PM
55

I've also cohabited before. I would not consider doing so again, unless I am engaged. On the 'bright side', you see a side of this person, that you otherwise would not see when living separately. The bad habits, bad attitudes, misogyny (!) really shine through. It's nearly impossible to hide. In my case, all of these traits, and MORE!, shined like a beacon and hastened my swift exit from the relationship. Had I not lived with this individual, I would have wasted more time. I needed the toxicity …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy11/06/20 02:39 PM
12

You're very welcome, and I'm glad you found it helpful. I don't think not having your own place yet is a dealbreaker. There's many reasons to live at home (assuming that's what you mean). Maybe rent is high, and you're saving to buy a house/condo. In many cultures it's quite common to live at home until married (inconvenient, I know haha). And if you get along with your family, it's not so bad. Don't let anyone make you feel ashamed for this, esp if you're acing it in every other area. Make sure…
/r/askFDS11/06/20 02:33 AM
82

Right?! I used to think so many things were my responsibility. That I had to teach him how to act, how to treat me, how to...be a normal, considerate human?...wait. It's so damn freeing to realize that I don't have to do that.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy11/06/20 02:04 AM
24

Good on you for recognizing the bs. Now, we must assume that you actually are a HVM, so this must be defined and clarified. The definition of a HVM will vary, and can be adapted to fit your personality. So what I'm going to say will reflect my own version. Some things are a constant: demonstrate initiative, be considerate and respectful, thoughtfully plan your time together (dates etc), listen to her carefully, ask questions, show INTEREST. If you're at the stage where it's appropriate for her t…
/r/askFDS11/06/20 01:50 AM
7

Haha, I was thinking about my answer as I was reading your post, and realized your personal opinion at the end is exactly how I feel. I'm way too independent to have to be tied to someone forever. I find that quite scary and destabilizing as well (economic, physical, lifestyle, etc). I never had the urge. I simply don't understand that mindset/instinct. For my friends who want/have them, I'm happy for them. So, I'm not 'anti-kids' or anything, just that it's not a road I see myself going down. I…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy09/06/20 10:07 PM
9

Wow. I could have written the exact same thing, about an ex. It's wild how many of us have gone through such similar scenarios...
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/06/20 03:26 PM
47

Right? I'm picturing a spoken word poetry reading, wearing a black turtleneck on a dimly-lit stage with a single spotlight.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy07/06/20 05:30 PM
19

Oh, the 'he's such a nice guy!' trap... Having gone through a very similar dynamic, I really feel for you. Between him playing the victim, my friends/family giving me the 'he's such a nice guy! Try to make it work!' spiel, I really thought I was the problem. For a LONG time. Even though I'm the one who left/broke it off, the recovery has not been linear. I really hope you have a good support system.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy07/06/20 03:39 PM
29

I see what you're saying. Here's the thing: what people think of as 'feminine' is ultimately subjective. It's more of a mentality. You get to pick what works for you, and leave what doesn't. So maybe you don't like dressing too 'feminine', that's ok. Find what works for you, makes you feel comfortable + your best self. This goes for everything, not just clothes. You wouldn't want to attract someone based on a facade you felt you had to put up, would you? One thing I can suggest is to think of fe…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy06/06/20 02:20 AM
29

This is objectively HORRIFIC and I am so sorry for your friend. I get a lot of the same crap from [some of] my family about 'just settle down with someone already.' What really stuck out to me was this part: She interpreted it as him "becoming a dad" and "showing he cares about their little family/her." My friend was unable to discern that he was doing this because he would be culturally shamed for not doing so with his family but not because he deadass wanted to make the mother of his child hap…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy06/06/20 01:54 AM
50

In my part of Europe, the mentality of the man paying is the same as what they're talking about. Yes, even if you're just friends-- say you go out with a big group of people. Then men always pay for the women. It's not even a question. The further north and west you go in Europe, the mentality changes. One woman referenced 'European women' having a different mentality (I think she said something like 'they don't know what it is to be a woman'), but that's not entirely true. Not really correct to…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy05/06/20 11:53 PM
19

It doesn't help that society enforces a completely sexist double standard. I think nearly all women have been met with some variation of the following when her partner hits a boundary/gets a firm 'NO': 'what's the big deal?' 'you're no fun!' 'that bothers you? so weird!' 'you're so mean!' The woman is expected to be 'a nice girl' and submit to whatever the man wants to do, even if it violates a boundary. In turn, the woman feels guilty for trying to enforce the boundary, maybe she gives in, tell…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy05/06/20 05:48 PM
40

Sigh. In the past. I have found vulnerability and emotionality endearing. It has caught me off-guard on...more than one occasion. I don't know if I'd call this type of guy 'soft' (lol) or more feminine, but they were always what the consensus would consider a 'nice guy.' Like you, I thought 'nice guys' were easier to work with, and I'd clash with a partner who also has strong personality. I don't know exactly what my problem was...did I ignore red flags? Did I just give them leeway because every…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy03/06/20 11:15 PM
1

No one can really tell you if this is a mistake, because you are the only two people who knew the relationship. I say write the letter. Be open, be vulnerable, make sure you don't try to blame ('you did x which made me do y' type of thing). Send it and detach from the outcome. Do not expect any specific reaction. You may get an angry response, no response, etc. It's actually a widely-held misconception that just because someone broke up with you, they don't have any feelings to process. Again, I…
/r/askFDS03/06/20 08:44 PM
10

Oooh. Story time. A short time ago, I was at an industry conference with a few coworkers. One coworker (male, later 30s) and I were speaking with a couple of prospects. One of the prospects said something along the lines of the quote OP posted, about women being on the 'mommy track' and not 'partner material.' Back in the office, we were discussing our interactions with prospects at the conference, and these individuals came up. My coworker says, 'I don't even want to deal with that guy. Sexist …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy03/06/20 11:45 AM
30

That does not sound good. Don't let him make you feel 'bad' for maintaining your boundaries-- stand firm and just say you don't feel safe. If he gives you a hard time, he's not a good person and not someone you want to deal with. Also, it's really bad first date behavior. The man should always be coming to you, or at minimum meeting you somewhere convenient for you.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy02/06/20 11:36 PM
55

Yes. Red flag. At best, he's a super lazy dude. Worse scenario is that he wants to get you to come to his area, so he can 'conveniently' invite you back to his place... Trust your instincts.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy02/06/20 11:27 PM
12

I agree. However, I think this applies to nearly every topic/opinion, not just political. I've learned that I need a high degree of emotional intimacy to connect with someone-- friend, partner, etc. This means talking about all sorts of things, from the mundane, profane, deep, shallow...I want to learn what they think, why they think it. I'm not saying that I require staunch agreement on all topics. If we disagree, I'm still interested to understand why they hold a different view, via a construc…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy02/06/20 07:11 PM
15

It totally depends on the specific terms. What most people don't know, is that you technically have a prenuptial agreement dictated by the state you live in. This will determine how assets are split in case of divorce. So, the 'one size fits all' division of what is fair varies between states, and there's all kinds of laws, which cannot possibly fit everyone's specific needs in their situation. A prenup is your opportunity to change what would be ordered by the state in case of divorce. This can…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy02/06/20 03:43 PM
28

OP, I think you know the answer here. I'm going to try to say this as diplomatically as I can. However, I've been in a similar place as you, and wish someone grabbed me and shook me lol. It's nice that he feels bad for treating you poorly. However, without concrete action and a plan, this doesn't mean anything. Feelings and words mean nothing, if they are not accompanied with meaningful changes in behavior. From what you're saying, he's lazy, and you've let him get away with it. Even worse, if y…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy02/06/20 03:11 PM
13

This is a great question. The father is the first male interaction we have, and becomes a 'template' for our future. Interestingly, my father has been the more ruthlessly discriminating one in judging my boyfriends (*only long-term, serious relationships). He would be quick to tell me to cut someone off if they don't meet my needs. It was actually my mother who would encourage me to stay with the excessive weed-smoking/beer-drinking/video-game and sports obsessed SO, because 'he's such a nice gu…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy01/06/20 02:19 PM
5

First off, good work focusing on yourself and getting out of a bad situation. I'm sorry you had to go through that. Second, this is just how moms roll. They are just obsessed with grandkids. I don't really understand it. Maybe because they wanted kids, they think it's part of the 'vision' of a happy life, so they think it's what you should do? I also don't want kids, and made this very clear to my parents, but they still make the same comments as your mom lol. It's like talking to a wall. I wish…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy31/05/20 09:33 PM
75

I needed to see this today. In the past, I would be casually dating several different people. If/when I decided to proceed with one of these into a committed relationship, and one of the 'prior options' reached out to ask for another date, I would always be totally upfront and say that I am pursuing a relationship with someone now, but enjoyed meeting them etc. The best response I got was silence. The worst is getting some sort of vicious butthurt reply like 'thanks for wasting my time!'...and w…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy31/05/20 05:41 PM
38

I'm very open about this stuff, but I don't feel like it's necessary to tell them everything. If your bf asks you directly, that's a different story. A little mystery doesn't hurt. Also, funny story: a friend of mine made a point to never mention wearing makeup to her fiancee (and later husband), because he was very anti-makeup and felt it was bad for your skin etc. She wore mascara and bb cream/maybe light concealer, and he had no idea. This is over the course of YEARS. Men aren't as in-tune to…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy30/05/20 09:22 PM
147

You sound really mature, and it sounds like you're doing all the right things and have your priorities in order. Keep doing your thing, and you'll meet someone with a similar mindset. Ignore the people who say your standards are 'too high', what you're looking for is more than reasonable. Those 'snap judgments' are probably you intuitively knowing that someone is not right for you, but next time this happens, you can try to pinpoint exactly why you react this way (at this point you probably don'…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy30/05/20 08:31 PM
36

Why would you ever choose to be with someone who is not excited to be with you? I think I gave someone this exact advice the other day. Spread the love, spread the knowledge.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy27/05/20 04:20 PM
13

No joke. 100% agree, cannot wrap my head around this at all. I had a conversation with a male friend, who said something like 'cheating is just something that happens, and the relationship should be strong enough to withstand it' Sorry, what?? This implies that it's on the woman to be 'strong enough' to stand by as her partner won't even exercise a modicum of self-control to not screw someone else? Actually, as he makes the active choice to disrespect her and the relationship. Implying that she'…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy24/05/20 04:21 PM
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