Sometimes it’s just another human connection and nothing more

lilitha134 · 2020-04-17T10:54:01+00:00

For being the "less emotional" sex, a lot of guys seem to be "going through a lot right now".

It's great that you have grown from this experience and didn't push to go any further when you realized it was not for you. " Dating" Has become very standardized today, in the sense that it seems thereare only two outcomes (relationship) or (sex and ghosting). I also think that many of us have lost the ability to be human and just focus on the connection and feelings we inspire in each other and I really hope this changes for the next generation.

That being said, don't feel too bad about this guy. He is not applying for a scholarship, no need to give you his sob story about why he can't give you what you want (while still subtly proposing sex) .

isv1234 · 2020-04-17T10:11:22+00:00

He didn’t deserve this emotional labor from you, in my opinion. And saying he “had something” without even saying what it is so vague and an easy way out. Honestly it’s probably a lie. But I think your decision to detach and just view the situation will allow you to learn more from this, because you deserve better. You’re obviously caring enough that if there was something emotionally going on for him, you would be someone to talk to. This is not a human connection OP, you deserve more.

Patient-Character · 2020-04-17T17:34:25+00:00

He's emotionally unavailable. This wasn't merely about simply being friendly with someone, it was also that this man could NOT remain friends with you despite a HUMAN connection (platonic at that point). And that's on him. It's so telling that he has attachment issues. And that the human connection was tainted by the possibility of a sexual affair.

I'll have to agree with u/isv1234. The whole thing is being romanticized. He didn't succeed in using you because you approached it differently this time around. You didn't care for more. But if you did, he would've taken advantage of that. If you were a pickmeisha and repeated past patterns, this would've went further and it would've only suited him. If he was capable of an authentic human connection, he wouldn't be out there playing the field. But you sort of checkmated him into a corner and his limitations became obvious, right around the time he began to distance himself.

This also reminds me of the whole "men and women can't be friends" BS, which is only men's limitation but made to be a sort of universal law. Women are capable of being friends with men, but I think men largely aren't. They have little to no sense of compatibility and what "fits" between two people. They are lost in their own issues and they project it onto humanity/women. The moment they feel a connection with a woman, which is actually possible between the vast majority of people, sex immediately enters the picture. They can't see you as the human that you are. There will be a power play. Or he'll start to distance himself (still a power play). He'll project all kinds of bullshit onto you and see you as "wrong".

"I don't want a relationship" = "I'm not CAPABLE of being in a relationship that doesn't involve dominance or some other culturally masculine bullshit" = "I'm emotionally unavailable".

That doesn't mean that he'd be compatible with you if he IS emotionally available, but the fact remains that you are more emotionally capable than him, you have more to offer and there is more depth on your side of the dynamic. And more often than not, LVM will think YOU are the one with the issue. YOU are needy. They'll shut down. Ghost. They don't know how to handle it, YOU triggered them into feeling their limitations so something is wrong with YOU. "She wasn't the one" is the conclusion. Cue exaggerated fault-finding in the woman, desperately trying to explain to themselves why they're just not feeling it with her. Classic culturally induced avoidant attachment.

In your case, you felt your feelings. You were genuine. No projections could enter you. You didn't play a game. And so he had to exit stage left. It was obvious who the "loser" was in this situation. Was there moments of genuine connection? Yes. He's still a human being after all. But it caused an avalanche of conflicted feelings within him and an overwhelmed attachment system. It's not that it wasn't the right time, not exactly. It's that you outgrew him.

Good work.

illusion_believe · 2020-04-17T16:56:01+00:00

Are you a writer ? (Serious Q)

asoww · 2020-04-17T13:55:13+00:00

Love your post OP ! It is refreshing because it is nuanced and genuine... It is too bad you were so emotionally invested but like.... I feel you were mature enough to protect yourself and trust your intuition, this is super inspiring.

Laeun · 2020-04-17T19:13:52+00:00

Thanks for this thoughtful post.

ziggytheenigma · 2020-04-18T11:47:50+00:00

I had a similar experience recently! Although I don't think I've handled it as well as you did. I had been seeing a guy who I just seemed to connect really well with and found interesting, and then after a while he became distant and less responsive, before messaging me to let me know he wasn't "in the right headspace to be romantic or sexual". Now I'm kind of using this sub as a life line because I'm struggling a lot with feelings and thoughts of what could have been, even though I know it's stupid and irrational to think that way. But most of all I really enjoyed the connection I felt there.

Title	Sometimes it’s just another human connection and nothing more
Author	Patient-Character
Upvotes	95
Comments	25
Date	April 17, 2020 9:25 AM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/g2yntk/sometimes_its_just_another_human_connection_and/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/sometimes-its-just-another-human-connection-and.692659 https://theredarchive.com/post/692659

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