I see this so fucking often with my girlfriends. Women are so naturally empathetic and understanding, so we’ve been conditioned to look past or excuse away bad behaviors because we want to see the best in people, want to “save” men from themselves, and think that if we rescue him, he will love us. Nah, sis. Fucking stop that.

Here are the most common excuses I see and how to confront them:

“He has trust issues because he’s been cheated on before!” or “He’s emotionally unavailable because he’s been hurt by his ex” - Yeah, that’s rough. But honestly, who hasn’t? If he is using that as an excuse to put up walls or not commit to you, that’s not your problem. You didn’t cheat on him. If he’s not in a place to trust or work through these issues, wtf is he doing wasting your time? Why is he on OLD apps? He just wants his needs met without doing the work to address his trust issues and that’s not your problem. Plus trust issues can only be resolved from within. You’ll never “prove” yourself to someone who is determined not to trust. If he can't trust, why is he wasting your time???

“But he has anxiety/depression/PTSD!” - Yeahhhh but who doesn’t these days? Using mental health as an excuse in relationships means you’re NOT READY FOR RELATIONSHIPS. PERIOD. If their social anxiety prevents them from being there for their partner or if their depression is keeping them from being a good partner, they need to WORK ON THEIR MENTAL HEALTH. Putting that on the person you’re dating, especially in new relationships, is toxic as fuck and should tell you that they will always put their mental health on you. When people mention in their OLD profile or within the first few days that they have unmanaged mental health, run the opposite direction. Listen, I have anxiety/depression/OCD/trauma, but I manage it through diet, medication, cognitive therapy, environmental management, and self-improvement. I do NOT make it my partner’s responsibility to manage my symptoms or make up for my lack of effort. Men are way way way more likely to do this than women, as men are taught to rely solely on their partner for their emotional needs instead of seeking out actual therapy, finding support among friends, or seeking medication.

“He had a difficult childhood! He was abused!” - That wasn’t his fault, but healing is his responsibility. You are not his therapist, you are not his replacement mommy. You can’t undo his trauma, and if he’s using his childhood as an excuse to not do X or Y, he’s not ready for a relationship. Period.

“He’s in a bad marriage, but he will leave her eventually” or “He’s in the middle of a divorce” - Girl you’re stupid. Even if he is in the process of ending his marriage, why would you want to go all-in on someone who obviously has some shit to work through? Go find someone, you know, actually single.

“He’s between jobs/he keeps getting taken advantage of financially/he just needs money to get on his feet” - UGH this one drives me crazy. As someone who has been financially taken advantage of by multiple men in the past, we always want to assume they’re working their hardest (like we are) and are just down on their luck. If he’s disclosing financial problems to you early in a relationship, that’s his homeostasis, girl. He is a permanent struggle, and will rely on you and take advantage of you as much as he can. No. Never, ever, ever loan or give money to a man, pay his bills, let him stay with you, etc. Fucking no.

"If I just support him as he works on his career/gets through school, he will help me out later" - Nah, he will upgrade for a hotter, younger woman who isn't a doormat once he's successful. You should always be your #1 priority.

"He isn't texting me back/planning dates/making time for me because he's really busy right now" - Uhhh then why is he dating you? If his work is so busy that he doesn't have time to send you a text in the 24 hours we have in a day, why is he dating? Why are you entertaining this? Let him know to hit you up when he's ready for a relationship because that time is not now.

"He yells/gets in my face/belittles me because that's how his mom/dad treated him" - Never, ever, ever, ever accept abuse. Ever.

We women are completely responsible for our own mental health, and then take on the mental health of people who don't want to put in the work. This needs to stop. Yes you can grow together as people and as a couple, but that is not a replacement for his own self-improvement. And men who don't seek therapy or their own betterment will never do it for your relationship. If you won't change for yourself, you won't change for someone else. Period.

Feel free to add your own!