Subtle signs he will be abusive.

TW- descriptions of emotional abuse

Mistreatment, the silent treatment, sarcastic remarks, belittling you, are all forms of emotional abuse. Don't think that because a LVM hasn't put his hands on you, that he is not be abusive. Emotional abuse is abuse. You deserve to feel loved, cherished, secure, in your relationship at all times.

Here are the signs he will be abusive-

1. The Hurtful Comments Start Gradually
   A subtle abuser does not begin the relationship by making critical statements or poking fun at you. Obviously, if he did that too early, you would have no trouble severing ties. His behavior is carefully disguised in the beginning; he conceals the anger and insecurities that boil beneath the surface.

Slowly, over time, he will throw in a cutting comment or make a joke at your expense. He might make demeaning or off-color remarks about the opposite sex. The comments are not specifically about you, but the put-down obviously extends to you or your family and friends, making you uneasy. He monitors your reaction to see if he has gotten away with it. If you become defensive and confront him, he is likely to turn things around on you, claiming that you are "too sensitive." You begin to question yourself..."Maybe I did overreact?"

2. He Has a Negligible Level of Empathy
   Your needs are inconvenient for him. If you get sick, or you're going through something difficult, he thinks less of you. He is put off by your "weakness" and makes his disapproval and disgust known. He resents the fact that you're not available to serve him. If he helps at all, it is so that you can hurry up and get back to taking care of him.

3. He Is Domineering
   He believes that "he knows best." At his core, he is extremely insecure, and he compensates for this by righteously and consistently undermining you, telling you what to think and do.

Playing "devil's advocate" is a common tactic. Not everyone who challenges you by taking the opposite stance is abusive, but if you feel that you are often trying to prove yourself, get permission or gain approval, there is a clear power imbalance. And if you often feel as if you are in a courtroom pleading your case, you are undoubtedly in a controlling relationship.

4. He Is Highly Defensive and Manipulative
   Whenever you confront him about something that's bothering you, you come away feeling like you are in the wrong. Even when you try your best to assert yourself, you end up giving in. That's because in any dispute, he uses little shreds of truth to make himself seem more credible, and he embellishes your infractions. He undermines your account of the situation, and you are left, yet again, questioning yourself.

5. He Is Never Responsible for Problems
   When something goes wrong, he invariably points the finger at someone or something other than himself. This pattern typically extends beyond your relationship. If he continually blames others for every misfortune, it is important to take a closer look.

6. He Uses Humor as a Weapon
   Some of the most cutting abuse is disguised with humor. Why? Because it enables the abuser to get away with saying awful and cruel things, scot-free. A subtle abuser will make fun of your appearance, physical traits, body parts, personality features, likes, dislikes, finances, background, family members, friends and co-workers. By coating the barbs in humor, he is able to say he was "just kidding."

Often, he'll put you down in a "funny" way in front of others. It's awkward for the audience, but they may begrudgingly chuckle, making you feel embarrassed and alone. If you confront him then and there, he accuses you of making a scene. If you tell him later how it made you feel, he tells you that you're overreacting, that everyone else found it funny, and asks, "Why can't you?"

Bottom line: Relationships are not supposed to be this hard. You should feel that your partner is looking to understand you, not to disprove or humiliate you. You deserve to feel like your partner is truly a *partner***, someone to go through life with, not **against. Life is too short to waste time with LVM. If he's dragging you down, and not uplifting you, cut him off.

This has been an excerpt from If He's So Great, Why Do I Feel So Bad? by Avery Neal. Read more here.