Trigger warning: Sexual assault

My entire family thought my ex was a LVM and they advised me to break up with him, which I did. It’s been a month of no contact but we decided to remain “friends” because we were best friends before we got together. But I’ve been finding it difficult to let go of him and I constantly think I made a mistake in dumping him.

I think I bonded with him because he was the only person in my life who didn’t blame me for getting sexually assaulted. Basically, I thought I had a BDSM kink back when I was younger (huge mistake on hindsight) and I met this guy who had the same kink. The thing is, even back then, I was unsure if I even wanted X done to me even if it kind of was my kink and I told the guy as much. Long story short, he didn’t respect my boundaries at all and threatened to murder me when I wanted out/said no/refused to do his bidding. He imprisoned me in his room and beat me up while forcing me to do sexual stuff. Anyway, I write this because my entire family blamed me for getting sexually assaulted (even though I said no repeatedly). My ex was the only one who didn’t blame me. He had to deal with all my flashbacks and panic attacks because my family would see the flashbacks as inconveniences. I grew very codependent on him because he dealt with all my issues for me and on his part, he never let me deal with issues myself and always tried to “save” me. He followed me to all my psychiatrist/psychologist appointments and would stay up all night with me because of my night terrors. He’d sit with me for hours while I cried over my sexual assault. He always comforted me. I never developed any resilience and was always waiting for him to come save me. After we broke up, he told me that it wasn’t my fault I was codependent because he never let me do anything myself out of fear I’d hurt myself and that he didn’t trust me to act in my own interests. Basically, he infantilized me.

However, my friends and family thought I was settling by going out with him and that he was a LVM. It got to the point where my psychiatrist would tell me that I could do so much better. The thing is, if it weren’t for him helping me through my trauma, I probably wouldn’t have considered going out with him.

Basically, he was broke. He refused to do any job that would’ve made him more financially stable because art was his passion and he wanted to stick to art. He constantly gave my cousin bad advice like “oh, you don’t have to get your diploma, just quit and do what you like”. That was his life philosophy: just do what you like in life. I felt uncomfortable that he kept joking about being poor, because I sure as heck didn’t want to be poor. I’d be very comfortably upper middle class by myself and the thought of him dragging me down made me really upset. I tried telling him how I felt but he wouldn’t compromise with me. That was the first red flag. He’d always tell me to just readjust my thinking because his decision could never change.

He doesn’t have a university education and isn’t looking to get one while I was a scholar and have a university education at one of the world’s top universities. My starting pay would be his mid-late career pay (around $4000). I worked very hard to get where I am in life and I know he works hard too (in art), but it seems like he’s putting his passion above all common sense. He even admits that he won’t earn much but is content with it. The biggest red flag was when I showed him a house I wanted to buy and he said “oh, you can pay for it and I’ll pay for my own expenses.” Even before FDS, I saw this as a red flag. Heck, even my family maid told me that was a red flag. When we went out, he’d never pay for me but he always insisted I didn’t pay for him either. He’d want to pay for me occasionally but I never let him because he was broke.

I think I have a problem accepting my ex was a LVM because he was the only one supportive of me through my sexual assault. I also feel like nobody could love me if they knew what happened to me because I’m “damaged goods” and that my family was right and it was my fault I got sexually assaulted even though I said no far too many times. I find myself now pining for my ex and wanting a relationship with him even though everyone in my life is saying it’s a bad idea. And he’s telling me to “give it time”. He won’t get back together with me but told me he loved me and that I needed to grow as a person before entering a relationship (aka not being codependent). So he won’t even commit to a relationship with me and I’m STILL pining after him.

I need advice on how to move on. I feel like he’s a LVM but I just don’t know. I find it difficult to accept that such a nice guy could be a LVM. I don’t know why I still want him. It’s probably because no one else in my life is supportive of me. Sorry for the huge wall of text and thank you all for reading it.