Um, hard pass

daglowup · 2020-02-23T01:21:06+00:00

We ain’t doing this in 2020.

huevos_and_whiskey · 2020-02-23T01:31:57+00:00

A guy I used to be friends with once said to me he liked “the trappings of being in a relationship” - trappings meaning the outward signs, features, or objects associated with a particular situation, role, or thing - while we were getting dinner, without his girlfriend there. It was awkward. I always considered him a really nice guy and a good friend, but as the years went on I started to realize some of his attitudes are really cringey.

NoThisIs-Patrick · 2020-02-23T01:21:02+00:00

"Let's just see where things go! Keep it light-hearted!" and he proceeds to get salty when you make plans with your real friends

(also upvote for the goddess that is Ariana)

ofiuocijckne · 2020-02-23T09:01:50+00:00

Oof. Too real for me. I suppose now is an appropriate time to get this one off my chest. Let me tell you a (long) story about an LVM in disguise as an HVM....... LET THIS BE A WARNING. Don't be a dumbass like me and fall in love without commitment.

(Context: I'm 21 and in college, so from my experience: a date = hanging out in a bedroom and relationships move fast, but that's if you're lucky enough to find someone who wants that among all the rampant hookup behavior and STIs. So the bar is LOW.)

I was in a fulfilling yet fake relationship with a guy for the entirety of last semester. He was only around for the sem for an internship and is now back at school four hours away. But get this, his reason for not wanting to commit was NOT long distance. He gave me a few different excuses which I'll mention, but they're so illogical and inconsistent with his actions.

It wasn't my intention to start anything serious since I recently got out of a nearly four-year relationship, but I hopped on Tinder to scope out the pool and distract myself. We matched, and he wasn't anything special, but I noticed he was in the same major/school as my friend from home. If not for that, I would have rightfully ignored his "Heeey". We started talking, realized early on that we shared the same awkward dorky sense of humor, and it escalated from there. He knew about my recent breakup and was very respectful about it, not pushing or expecting anything from me whatsoever, but still clearly showing interest. So he was pursuing me, but I had to initiate the next step each time to let him know that I was ready for whatever it was, and I did. We met up, talked for hours, went on a second (ACTUAL) date ((he paid)), got cozy at my house after, hung out another few times, I really liked him, he really liked me, being horny college students we had sex, things were GREAT...until I said "okay, I'm ready for this to be official" thinking that he was waiting on me and he was like "oh, well, I'm kinda terrified of commitment and also promised myself I wouldn't get into a relationship until after college." SAY WHAT. Woulda been useful info a long time ago, bud.

I know what you're thinking. That he played me to get laid. But here's the thing, this was NEVER about sex for him. He was a virgin before this, and I was the one who wanted to. He would've never made moves towards it if I hadn't. And he also didn't want to not commit until after college to fuck around, I assure you that he is incapable of that. So anyway, this hurt me obviously, but I was a GIANT DUMBASS and didn't end it. I rationalized by saying it was too soon to ask for commitment, and he couldn't tell me for sure that he wouldn't change his mind, so I really believed that he would. We kept going for TWO MONTHS, pretending like it might not end (he avoided thinking and talking about it and preferred to live in denial), and it was honestly great. I wasn't even insecure without commitment because I genuinely trusted his feelings for me. It was just....everything I wanted and didn't have for the last four years. He was encouraging, supportive, affectionate, etc etc and there isn't a single bad thing I can say aside from, well, you know.

So what happens when the last day comes around that we can see each other? We hang out like normal. What happens in the last ten minutes of that night? I force him to tell me what the final verdict was, made him choose between dating or not instead of living in the gray area indefinitely. You know what he said? fRiEnDs. ????????????? He was talking about visiting me over winter break (requiring him to drive two hours), he came to my freakin piano recital the night before, he said I lOve yoU the night before which already happened a few times but like, at this point there was NOTHING for him to gain by saying that and not meaning it. Like this was a real fucking relationship, I don't know why the label was so terrifying. I AM STILL SO GENUINELY CONFUSED AS TO WHAT WAS GOING ON IN THIS BOY'S BRAIN. SOMEONE PLEEAAAAAASE ENLIGHTEN ME. This has not been easy to get over. It gave me so much happiness during that whole semester, but the heartbreak is never worth it.

TL;DR I DATED A GREAT GUY FOR TWO MONTHS BUT TURNS OUT HE WAS IMMATURE AND SCARED TO COMMIT SO NOW I'M SAD AND ANGRY AND WILL NEVER AGAIN BECOME VULNERABLE WITHOUT COMMITMENT.

pinkyberries · 2020-02-23T15:12:31+00:00

They say they're not ready for commitment but truly they're not ready to give up their other options and the other women they sleep with.

Title	Um, hard pass
Author	AspenGoddess
Upvotes	374
Comments	20
Date	February 23, 2020 1:16 AM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/f82969/um_hard_pass/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/um-hard-pass.693570 https://theredarchive.com/post/693570

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