i’m fairly young (16) so i know guys are usually dumb and immature but i really pick the worst of the worst.

i try very hard to be understanding to everyone and this usually leads me to ignoring red flags

i tried to keep this short but there’s just a lot to unpack

when i was late into my eighth grade i started talking to this guy. i wasn’t in the best mental state and found his humor very funny and refreshing. this is what mainly made me catch feelings. anyways i talk to him for a couple of months and into early of my freshman year.

through the coupe of months that i had spent talking to him he hadn’t shown many, if any, red flags or things to be concerned abt. he did talk about death a lot but i never thought it to be out of the ordinary as i felt similar (my mental health was really bad) and just thought it to be the norm.

we abruptly stopped speaking soon after he opened up to me about his family. he had mentioned that his parents got divorced at a young age and he had a step sister from his fathers side. he also mentioned that they gave her a lot more attention whereas he felt like he was tossed from his parents houses and never really cared for. this really resonated with me at the time and made me sympathize with him a lot. one day tho, we were talking at it was about midnight and he starts talking abt his family and how much he hated them bc he felt ignored. i tried to console him and suggested that they may have not been completely aware of how the way they were treating him had effected him. he sorta brushed off what i said and just said he was just gonna kill his family. although he had made jokes about death prior to this he had never joked about killing anyone and i was deeply disturbed. he then went into detail about how he wanted to slit his step sisters throat and stab his parents. he also mentioned he wanted to kill the tiny dog that they had at home.

i was shocked bc this wasn’t really of his nature. he was a pretty laid back dude. he’d even told me he loved me at that point and i truly believe he did.

i knew i had to cut him out of my life but i wanted to make sure he wouldn’t do anything stupid and just tried to keep him occupied for the night. another thing i wanted to mention, this kid had the highest sex drive i’ve ever seen in my life.

i only really noticed after i stopped talking to him but a lot of our conversations (especially at night) were centered around sexual topics. he’d asked me for nudes at one point and i told him i wasn’t into that and he didn’t persist in asking further. this didn’t prohibit him from sending some tho. he didn’t send many but he would sometimes joke around and send a pic (we talked on ig so i had to open it myself) and would tell me it was a dick pic and i would check and it’d just be a black screen with the words “haha just kidding” . he definitely sent less than like 4 or 5 in total. i never really asked but i just brushed it off. looking back this was probably a big red flag.

another thing about him was that his family was quite wealthy. both his parents owned houses that costed near a million dollars. after a few months into our relationship he would offer to buy me things. it wasn’t like a simple hoodie or shirt either he offered to buy me necklaces, bracelets, rings that all costed hundreds of dollars. i declined and told him i wasn’t into jewelry. he would insist on buying me something tho and i would always joke and tell him to just buy me a plastic beaded necklace. i specifically remember this because i sent a picture bc he had no idea what i was talking about (it’s a little worrying that i see that picture in my camera roll sometimes and get sad that things ended, like the whole killing family thing was inexcusable but i just got sad that it ended so badly/abruptly, is that normal or am i just crazy)

the only other thing i think worth mentioning about is that very close to when we stopped talking he made jokes (?) about how he hated jewish and black people. i don’t really know why he’d tell me that because i am black (i’m pretty light tho and had straightened my hair for most of the time we were talking). i called him out on it and he said his cousin had taken his phone, which just sounded like an excuse to me but i really liked him and wanted to believe him.

since talking to him i changed a lot. i got quite religious and my mental health dramatically improved. for the first time in year i genuinely enjoyed being alive and didn’t dream of death.

i pretty much stayed away from guys too, i had crushes in my freshman and sophomore year but i found out both the dudes i liked were only into white/asian girls so i lost interest pretty quick.

i also realized that i had very bad self image issues and needed to work on myself before i could enter a relationship and expect the other person to love me or treat me well. i started working out more, being conscious of my eating habits, taking care of myself/appearance, and telling myself i look good. surprisingly enough it worked and although i’m not 100% where i wanna be i can say i’m proud of myself for being able to push myself and actually like myself.

all the while i noticed this cute kid in one of my classes. i’m a coward tho so i just wasn’t gonna do anything abt it. or so i thought

skip to homecoming night and i see who i thought was the kid i liked and one of his friends from our class. later that night i was helping clean up and had to hold open this door while people wheeled out tables and since it was a little more secluded from the rest of the dance the guy who i thought was my crush was full on making out with this girl. i was little more disappointed then i’d thought and realized i actually liked this kid.

after about a week i realize that it wasn’t the guy i like and would later learn it was his brother. i’m a little embarrassed at how happy i was that it hadn’t been him.

anyways i finally accept that i like him but i still didn’t wanna do anything. i also found out he was a freshman (i’m a junior) and that grossed me out for quite a while but i still thought he was cute so nothing really changed. fast forward about a month and i start trying to talk to him. i’m a very very shy person and he’s quite intimidating. he had a very stolid facial expression and just and overall strong presence. after two weeks of chickening out, i came early to school one day and saw him the hallway and mustered up the courage to go up to him. it wasn’t anything crazy i just asked him if he had a girlfriend to which he said no and i asked him if he was down to hang out sometime and if i could get his number. he surprisingly said yes and i got his number.

although i mainly liked him because i thought he was hot, i thought he was a generally nice person (just based off of the way he acts in class/ the small interactions i’ve had with him). despite this tho i would’ve rather had a physical relationship with him. i also thought we would want different things out of a relationship (but this was just based off of first impressions so if i was wrong i would’ve been down for an actual relationship)

back to the story, i text him and he’s pretty nice. i learn that he’s very different from what i perceived him to be and was almost certain that we would be a horrible couple but was still attracted to him and would’ve been cool with fooling around. few days into talking to him he mentions that his family is afraid of him (????) bc of his record. i asked him to elaborate and he ended up telling me that he had two counts of sexual assault and almost got suspended for raping a girl. he said she framed him tho and didn’t say anything about the other case. he also mentioned that he would’ve gone to a juvenile center till he was an adult had it not been for his father who plead for him.

i was shocked bc he seemed like a very quite calm kid. i stop talking to this kid for a few days and decided to try to move on and just stay clear of guys. but i know myself pretty well and would want to make sure it was a no go before moving on.

so i texted him again (i sort forgot about the sexual assault thing, i know that sounds very stupid but i was incredibly stressed and my memory was shot to hell)

we talk for a few hours and it’s whatever. i don’t really remember how but we got onto the topic of drugs and he made it very clearly that he was against drugs. i personally don’t do any bc i would get addicted very easily. i also would prefer if others didn’t do drugs bc it’s bad (minus weed but let’s not get into that). we end up talking about stuff he’s done and he’s even worse than i thought.

he apparently fights and trespasses and mentioned sexual assault again. this time i didn’t quite believe that he was framed.

i’ve about had it with guys. do i just have horrible taste?? do all guys just suck forever?? is it just cause i’m a high schooler?? god pls help i’m about to go insane