I broke up with my boyfriend almost 2 weeks ago. Since then, I've been talking to my therapist about how I view myself as a woman and why it's so engrained in me to find someone to want me sexually. Why I don't feel sexy anymore. I feel unwanted and unloved. All because my boyfriend ghosted me and it made me feel that I wasn't good enough. (In the past, I would had already hopped onto a few dating apps to meet men in order to get over my ex but I don't want to do that anymore. I don't want to repeat the same patterns over and over again of talking to random men instead of a therapist.)

My therapist asked me, "Why do you feel as though you need someone's permission to be sexy? Why do you feel that in order to be sexy, you need a man to validate you or date you? Why do you need to be in a relationship to be sexy? What do you define as sexy?"

"Why is your worth and the level of respect you think you deserve linked to how sexy he made you feel?"

Because...all my life, I felt I was too fat to be sexy. Too ugly. Too much of this or that. But when I was with a man, he made me feel sexy when he would call me pretty or compliment me on a body part. My lips, my breasts, my face. It didn't mean anything if it didn't come from a man.

Why? Why? Why?

That's such a difficult question to answer. Or maybe it's simple and I'm just not sure how to say it.

My therapist told me the answers to these hard questions will have to come from deep within. Might take days, weeks, months or years to really comprehend and find them. And even when I do, it's not going to magically dissolve or heal anything or make me all "better."

That can be say with so many things I'm going through. All my fears.

      - Fear of abandonment       - Fear of being unwanted       - Fear of being unworthiness       - Fear of being used       - Fear of being not good enough

They're not going to disappear just because I admit that I have them or that they affect me every day. But with therapy, I will learn how to manage them, how to combat them, how to cope with my triggers and how to rework my brain so that I can embrace what I'm feeling and say, "That's what you think but I know it's not true because of [...reasons...]."

So...I guess one big reason why I don't feel sexy unless someone tells me otherwise is because my value and "prettiness" have always been linked to my weight. All my life, my parents told me I was too fat and needed to go on a diet. That no one would love me if I looked like a cow. That only skinny girls deserve to be praised. Then it was told to me by my friends, then it was society and then the men I got involved with.

Therapist: "Will losing weight, being skinny make you feel sexy or happy? Or will it just cover up an emotional wound instead?"

The simple answer is NO.

I doubt being skinny will solve anything in my life. However, I'm learning that being healthy inside and out will help me in the long run. I lost 20 lbs last month and have been waking up early to exercise. Eating less and walking more. I'm back to my high school weight and while I look great, can fit in the clothes I wore 4 years ago, it hasn't made me happy. Not in the way I thought it would. That's why I'm still in therapy. Lifting weights for my body, going through hurdles for my mind. Yay.

My therapist suggested I do something that will only benefit ME. Be my own date and do things for myself that I would do for other people. Be sexy for myself, whether it was wearing pajamas and watching Netflix or whatever. Something that didn't involved another person or would benefit them.

So yesterday, I went and bought myself lingerie and a sexy outfit. Also brought flowers, a ring I've been wanting and new heels. I wore them in front of my mirror while I did my make-up and hair. I glammed myself up as though I was going to a party for some celebrity. Perfume, fake nails and eyelashes, heels, push-up bra and the whole 9-yards. And even though I felt silly, I did sexy poses in front of my full-length mirror and took selfies of myself. Yes, I even did those "duck face" that men hate and I felt damn good about myself. My lips are devine, damn it. I pretended I was a model who was having a photoshoot. I wore my black 6-inch spiky heels and walked with them around the house doing chores. I even taught myself how to dance in these clunky heels and almost died but it was so worth it. By the end of the night, I was laughing at myself and I felt amazing. I've never done that before.

I'm learning a lot about myself since my break-up. That it's okay to grieve for the loss of a relationship as long as I don't stop living or learning. I don't need to go on a spiral again (like I did with my last ex) and I don't need to prove to myself and others that I'm "okay" by pretending the break-up didn't affect me. I can be hurt and still continue to grow. That my worth and self-respect, and my "sexiness" are not tied down to how much a man wants me or don't want me. Because screw that logic. Good-bye!

So...TLDR: Be your own partner and best friend. Not just for Valentine's day, but every day of your life.