Things to keep in mind, parenting a son?

shit-zen-giggles · 2022-04-03T03:28:20+00:00

Make a persistent effort as a father to read books with him (starting at around age 2-3). Also search out good books for him to read at every age and maybe read them before him so you can talk about the books with him. Basicly: Take care that he enjoys reading and percieves it as normal, regular part of his childhood life.

Reason: Due to the way the school system is set up right now boys are at a disadvantage with respect to aquiring reading skills. Needless to say being able to read (properly) impacts all your academic success down the line.

This was caused by schools changing the method they use to teach kids how to read. They picked one that fits girls better than boys.

DekajaSukunda · 2022-04-03T05:26:01+00:00

Just let your boy be and let him enjoy the things he enjoys. The most furious, loud, red-faced scoldings I got from my parents* were because I painted things pink, was caught watching America's Next Top Model or using female characters in video games.

As a result of this, I never felt safe or comfortable in my own room. I had to watch TV and play video games with a lower volume so I could hear their footsteps if they were coming. I had to close windows and stare at my desktop, leading my dad to think all sorts of things, just because I didn't want him to catch me watching Britney Spears videos.

The most hilarious part of all this is I actually think if my parents just let me be I would've turned out less gay. Not that I think there's anything wrong with that, but being deprived of all this at my house led me to overcompensate with an overly-gay persona at high school that makes me cringe just to remember, and led me to create a lot of fake friendships. My dad's behavior (and some bullies at school) also made me unnecessarily wary of men when I was younger. It was just in college when I realised my gen of men doesn't really give a shit, and I can still talk about all the "manlier" hobbies I have (like videogames) without having to pretend anything. If my parents had been more accepting of my feminine side, I would've felt more comfortable around men in general when I was younger, and thus more connected to my masculine side.

*| both of them, but my dad was very specific about scolding me for these things mostly (and otherwise didn't care much about me) while my mom scolded me for everything (sometimes deservedly, sometimes not so much).

Oncefa2 · 2022-04-03T12:49:41+00:00

When it comes to little falls it's good to demonstrate confidence and communicate that it's ok (and that as the adult you're ok about it too) so that they don't worry and become upset. A quick "oh you fell you down" with a smile or a laugh and "good job getting back up" is what you need 90% of the time.

Children that age are small and don't have very far to fall so they usually don't get hurt. At most they get embarrassed. So if you're immediately concerned and rushing over to them then they'll start crying, but not because they hurt themselves and need comforted. It's your reaction that's scary to them. And that will condition them to associate falls with that kind of mental reaction in the future.

That's not to say that you shouldn't coddle a child when they actually are hurt, but it's equally important to help them understand that it's ok to fall down, and that they can get back up without your help.

This is a pretty well known area of research in childhood development and psychology. When you break it down it's basically a common sense "middle" approach between being too tough, and being too soft. What you usually find though is that many parents have a lot of immediate anxiety over anything bad happening to their children, and become overly protective. So it's much more common for parents to coddle their children too much than it is for them to take more of a "man up" approach. Parenting advice therefore usually goes in the direction of telling parents to coddle less, and can sometimes turn into counseling advice for the parents. You end up spending more time teaching the parents how to not have so much anxiety and stress than you do teaching them actual parenting tips. Because that stress and anxiety can transfer to their children, even if they "know" all the right things to do.

Come to think of it, isn't that kind of the opposite advice that we see coming from wokes and feminists nowadays? Isn't the idea they have that people are too cold, and that teaching children resilience is a bad thing? It kind of goes along with their fantasy worldview that toxic masculinity is everywhere. And if that was the case, research wouldn't be showing the importance of having a fathers in a child's life (including the importance of discipline / boundaries and the specific "harder" parenting styles found in men)... Just saying. Not trying to make this political, I just kind of thought about that and figured I'd make that point.

BannanasAreEvil · 2022-04-04T17:34:51+00:00

IF it was good or not, I told my 8 year old that the world around him does not really care about him. That strangers that do not know him don't care if he's happy or sad, hungry, tired, hurt or poor. That the people around him are the ones who actually care.

Its not like I planned on this conversation, he was arguing about how numbers are stupid (basic kids stuff) and I told him everything is made up of numbers and everything is a number. He said it wasn't so I started pointing out that are house is a number because others exist and their might be 8 houses on our block and our house is 1 of them. That his playstation, TV, clothes that everything is a number and then he tried to counter with "people are not numbers" and I told him people where numbers.

Told him billions of people live on this world and billions used to exist, that our town has over 20,000 people and you only know maybe 30 of them because many are in your class. Told him only those 30 people he knows think of him as something other than a number because he does not exist to them.

He started to get upset (and rightfully so) but I had to reiterate that just because he is a stranger and does not matter to someone in china does not mean he doesn't matter but instead he matters the most to those he knows. Children often think the world kind of revolves around them, that everyone cares about them and while their is a nice fantasy element that makes it feel special for them to believe that, the real world is so brutal sometimes.

I don't know if it was the best thing to hit a 8 year old with but at the same time, learning that as I got older left me wholly unequipped to handle that realization myself. My hope is maybe by him understanding right now that his relationships are more important than strangers who do not know him might allow us and him to navigate the real world much better.

How many men threw away friendships at a young age because they thought everybody cared about them? How many men go into the world unequipped to handle the idea that society does not care about them and never learned how to seek out non romantic relationships? How many men never understood that the relationships they made in their past where taken for granted until those relationships were gone? How many men are paralyzed because the reality that society does not care about them left them empty inside?

It might have been the wrong way to guide him for a better future mentally about the real world, I can admit that I shouldn't have sprung it up on him so soon. Yet, at the same time; he has been taught from a young age that some people are mean. He's been taught that he shouldn't talk to strangers or get in peoples cars. He's been taught to look both ways before crossing the street and he's been taught not to call others names or hit other people. We've been teaching him all along about society in a way to protect him and others, why should we not protect him by helping him understand his place is society?

Don't know.

TheManBehindTheBoard · 2022-04-05T05:43:00+00:00

Try to accept who they are at every turn. And take an interest in their interests, or at least don't criticize them.

INFP-of-course · 2022-04-03T09:49:44+00:00

Try not to raise him in a rural area that recognizes only one acceptable type of boy.

Rural areas are the worst. I think I'm allowed to say that because I'm from a rural area.

IMO, if parents raise a son in a rural area and are surprised when that boy turns out either traumatized or not an open-minded man, they have only themselves to blame.

Comments