I’m a young social media entrepreneur in Los Angeles. I like to party, bang a bunch of chicks and drink cocktails every morning.

I recently got rid of all my “friends” and family after discovering they were setting me up on dates. They would lie to me and invite me out to “dinners” which were really blind dates. These assholes literally LIED to me! I asked them why. There reasoning was “saving me” from a life of “misery.” Well let’s tally up their lives:

Brother - In debt, failing marriage, wife cheats with doctor

Friend - Failed actor, dating a girl with autism that sucked off some janitor in school

Mother - Divorced and living on my father’s dime

Other friend - living in a car after gf got a restraining order and he still has to pay rent until the lease dies

My theory is, people want to hook you up in order to make you as miserable as they are.