TL;DR: My ex has had a new bf for 6 months, kept it secret from me and has consistently kept in contact with me the whole time. AWALT. Even when they are in relationships, they always have a guy on the bench

Ex from 3 years ago. Always remained friendly, messaged here and there, hooked up a few more times. Successfully avoided physically seeing her for a year now, but she still messages me at least once or twice a month.

6 months ago, she told me that she had started seeing a new guy. She was exremely pessimistic about it (his last girlfriends were much younger, 2 young kids (1 with a disability), a messy seperation and some other stuff). I didn't think anything of it. Since then, she had continued to message me once or twice a month. She never mentioned the guy/relationship again, asked to come around to my house to drink at least three times (which never happened) and shared other events in her life with me. The conversation was always positive. I just assumed the relationship was over and she was trying to work her way back, so I tread carefully.

On the weekend, there was a party at my local bar and surprise, surprise... guess who turns up with a bunch of her girlfriends. She was a little drunk, filled me on her family, work and other shit that was going on with her life. All good. Still no mention of a relationship and no guy with her.

So I asked her "what happened with the guy you were seeing?"

"Yeah...still together. It's .... 'OK'... He's not here ... I don't see him much" she says looking down at the ground. I ask a few questions about him and she doesn't say one positive thing about the guy! I was expecting "Yes, it's so good! It's been 6 months now and I'm really happy with him, he's such a good guy"... nope... everything she told me seemed like a problem. I was stunned it was still ongoing!

In that moment I started thinking to myself: "then why the fuck have you been consistently contacting me for the last 6 months? even asking to come to my house??"

Then it dawned on me... I'm her orbiter by default. She keeps in contact to know that I'm still here and single for when her relationship inevitably goes to shit. Her asking to come to my place to drink was a shit test. Her messaging me was her testing me to see if I was still interested at all. I am her back up. I felt like a fucking fool for not realizing this and entertaining it.

One of her friends comes over and asks who I am. My ex throws an arm around me and proudly says "I love this guy"... which fucks with me even more as I'm having this internal realization.

I play it cool, talk another minute or so, then say I had to get back to my friends at the table. She proceeded to spend the next hour looking in my direction and making a scene on the dancefloor.

I feel like a fool this week. Time to ignore her for good.

Lessons:

1. They always have a back up plan

2. Best to sever all ties with exes

3. AWALT. Always.

4. A lacklustre relationship is better than no relationship to them.