60 DOD Social

The previous posts on social cover a lot of the basics that if you haven’t read, you should do so.

I’m going to hit this from another angle this year.

 

Social groups, how to maintain them and how to improve them

We should all be involved in social groups and should all find ourselves in social settings. In these social settings, there is an unspoken set of rules, agreed upon but never discussed. If you’re aware of that, and know your place in that, you’ve got some basic social intelligence.

 

How social groups form

They form from shared interests. In a work setting, you all work at the same place. You can expect the conversation will always fall back to work related topics - these are safe topics that are easy to explore and discuss because you all have the same shared experience and interests. In a non-work setting, these might be groups based on sports you play together, the university you all went to, even the high school you all went to years ago. But they are all based on the same thing - a shared common interest. If the groups continue for several years, often the people within the group will no longer be directly involved in the shared interest. People change jobs. They leave university, they change sports, they change hobbies. But, if the group is strong, if the people have built relationships that go beyond the initial interest, the group will continue.

How do you build connections strong enough so that they last longer than a few years? To understand that, it helps to understand the general arrangement of groups.

I’ve observed two main types of social groups. I’ve not read a single book, article or blog on groups or group structures, so this is directly from my experience.

 

The Hierarchy structure

This group or setting is well stratified. You know who the decision maker is, and you know the next couple of people who are ‘next in line’. In a work setting, this is generally based on company hierarchy. You go out with the ‘team’ and the team takes the same hierarchal structure into the social setting. The manager still calls the shots. But there is some rubber in this, and social capital has a role to play. The unpopular people in the team will be socially isolated, and the ‘fun/cool’ people will do their own thing. Outcasts are still outcasts, but the play is different. Exclusion is more subtle, as being seen to be an asshole has potential knock-on effects. You are effectively still ‘at work’.

In your social circles, you will see a similar structure appear. One of your friends is the leader. They call the shots, they make the decisions. No event occurs without them. They’re the ones who say ‘alright we’re all heading to this bar in 10 minutes so finish up your drinks’. There will generally be a second in charge who may vie for the top position. The rest of the group is roughly organized, with some people more popular, others not so. Positions change over time, but the top dog generally stays as the top dog.

 

The Communist structure

This is a group of equals. There is no one leader. Everyone leads at some point, and everyone follows at some point. This is more common in older groups or couple groups where people don’t give a shit about their position, everyone has figured out who they are and people either accept it or they don’t. You can still lose standing in this group if you don’t play by the rules. This is a useful group makeup - everyone knows their value and there’s no vying for position or any other bullshit. These also tend to be the most stable groups.

 

But it’s likely a mix of the two

These are your two extremes. In reality, a group will exist somewhere between these two types.

I have one particular group that is made up of some old highschool friends. Back in the day, I was the leader of this group. Now, the group functions more closely to a communist structure. However, if I was to try take the reigns on a night out, it would generally be acceptable, as long as I don’t try to push people too far. These guys know who they are now and do what they want to do. In this setting, the ‘leader’ is more ‘the person who organizes things more often than others’.

I have another friends group made up of old work colleagues. This group has one key leader, with one or two other people who will fill that role if the leader is not present. Everyone else is a willing participant. The remainder of the group is stratified into a bunch of people generally at a similar level.

 

Sometimes I lead, sometimes I follow

There is a time to be the leader, and a time to be a follower. You don’t want to lead every social group you’re a part of. Firstly, because it takes actual work to lead a group. Secondly, because not every group will want you to lead. Any clumsy attempt to take group leadership is going to knock you down several levels in your group. You aren’t always going to be top dog. And you need to be ok with that.

On the flipside, and like any hierarchy, you don’t want to be at the bottom. Your job in any group that you want to stay part of is to solidify your position in that group.

 

The value and the rules

The question to ask yourself is the same question you should always ask in every setting. What value do I add to the group? What value does the group add to me? Any good social group will have implicit value. Generally, the value is the fun and joy of spending your time in the group members company, bonding over shared interests.

I don’t know about you guys, but sometimes I’ll plan an event with friends and by the time it comes to actually doing it, my first thought is generally ‘I can’t be bothered tonight, but I’ll go anyway’. However, by the time its over and I’m heading home, I always think ‘damn that was fun, I need to do that more often’. That’s a sign of a group that has value to you.

So you understand the group structure, your place in that, and you’ve decided that the group adds value. Now, how do you keep your position in a group that you deem worth of your time, and how do you build relationships that last?

Building bonds in both group types is done by fulfilling the expectations of the group. If you’re the leader of a hierarchical group, it means organizing the troops and pulling off awesome social events. If it’s a more communist structure, then it’s about doing your ‘fair share’, bringing wine to the dinner party, hosting when its your time and making it the best damn dinner party you’ve ever hosted.

There are always opportunities to add more value if you are interested in doing so. For example, if you’re the sort of person who brews his own beers, and is damn good at it, bringing a carton of those bad boys to a social event is going to be appreciated. Having said that, the same rules apply as to relationships. If you’re desperate for their approval, it comes across as trying to ‘buy’ their friendship. And that is both inauthentic and disgusting. Ever have a kid in school who used to give you sweets if you would talk to him? This is the adult equivalent. If you’re doing it because you genuinely want to share some beers with the boys, they will know. They can tell the difference.

Don’t play dumb ‘alpha’ tryhard games. Don’t try to be something you think they’ll like. Just like game, you aren’t here to trick people into liking you. They either like you, or they don’t. If they don’t, you go find another group of people. Do you really want to hang around a bunch of people where you have to pretend to be something you’re not?

 

Some ways to conduct yourself to build better groups

If your goal in a social situation is to solidify the group and build deeper connections, then your objective is: Move away from the ‘shared/common’ interest as soon as possible, and spend as much time away from that topic as you can manage. If this is the only thing you take away from the post, then it was time well spent.

Here’s a bunch of ways you can do that in new situations:

  • Everyone loves to talk about themselves. You start by asking broad questions that lead into more specific questions. Why are you asking questions? You want to get to the point where the person you are speaking to starts talking about something they are actually passionate about. Then, you relate similar experiences that indicate you understand their passion, and use that to build rapport. This works particularly well in industry settings. In more ‘social’ settings, you ideally want people to start asking questions about you. If they don’t, they probably suck and you should move on.
  • Be interesting. If your life consists of going to work, coming home, watching TV and sleeping, then you’re not interesting to talk to or be around. People like passion. You need to actually care about something enough that if you get the chance to talk about it, you relish it.
  • Test the waters. In the corporate world, the dynamics are often clearly defined. I am a consultant, they are the client. They dictate the social rules. You start with safe topics that you have in common and start moving away. What I do is break away from the formal face I put on and see how they react. The idea is to get them to relate to you as a person. If they also drop the formal façade, then you’re in. The more time you spend in these situations the better feel you get for it. You start looking for the little signs that they’re opening up. They drop a swear word. They make a joke. If you ever hear ‘I probably shouldn’t be saying this’, you’re in. The same thing applies in general social situations.
  • Be bold. Once you know your crowd, you can push the boundaries. This is where you can start dropping bigger, bolder comments. Ramp things up. Drop some slight insults. Double down on them and then insult yourself. Keep things fun and interesting.
  • The point of all this is to move yourself away from the initial shared/common interest and push yourself into the realm of ‘person who I relate to in a bunch of other ways’.

Do you have a group of friends where when someone asks, ‘how do you guys all know each other’, you all stop and look at one another in bewilderment, because it feels like you’ve known each other forever and no-one can even remember how it all started? That’s a group whose bonds transcend their initial shared interests.

The take away message is that every group, every social situation, every relationship is both exactly the same and different. Understand the dynamic and move away from ‘safe’ shared interest topics as quickly as possible. Fulfil your role in the group. Like all relationships, they take time and effort and you need to put in to get something out of it.

And have fun, this is suppose to be fun, remember?