I’m in a situation where I don’t know if I’m pulling the trigger too early.

A BIT ABOUT ME: I’m not at the HVM level I want to be yet. Only 5 weeks into MAP. (I’m a long time lurker, know more than a total beginner, have integrated some positive behaviours over the years, but its only now i’m going all in)

I have Beta behaviours pretty much on lock, fine tuning and improving. Alpha behaviours: started taking on more, increasing at steady pace.

She’s noticed and likes the positive changes she’s seen in me, overall there’s been definite improvements in our home, kids, her levels of affection, happiness, less stress. I’m getting much better at “setting the tone” at home.

She clearly doubts i can keep this up. Hopes that I can, but has doubts, half expects it to be just another temporary improvement that soon evaporates.

I wish i’d jumped in properly earlier, i’m loving it. I wish i was further along. I’m still a bit too overweight, early in lifting, no dread- not yet obvious that i have options outside our marriage : basically i’m just out of the gates in my MAP journey.

THE SITUATION: I have reason to suspect my wife’s cheating on me with her boss. I’ve come across some suggestive text messages. Very tame in the scheme of things, but personal enough to be very, very odd. She could argue it is banter between 2 people that work closely, as there are no nudes, no really explicit sex talk. Its more along the lines of over-friendly, over-sharing. I could understand between two females, but not between two married people of the opposite sex.

It could be at an “emotional affair” level, or could have gone all the way by now. It could have been going for a while. We’ve been through a very long rough patch as a couple and family unit.

I noticed (almost by accident) that all their whatsapp interactions got erased methodically- catching onto that was my first clue something was off. When i asked her why, she stuck to something like “its just something i do”. Its clear whatsapp was used for the more personal exchanges.

I got impatient and fucked up. Instead of taking my time and gathering proper intel, i panicked and rushed it. She caught me looking through her phone, now she’s now got it secured tight (facial recognition).

Before that happened, i managed to get screenshots of some messages that she doesn’t know I have. The SMS messages that I do have are mostly very brief “miss you handsome” type exchanges in between boring work crap.

The really strange one was him sharing a picture of a sample container and saying “for semen” she replies “good shit”. On another occasion he brings it up again and says “medium semen” (sample size i assume) she replies “good”. WTF? He’s married with kids, no interest in having more, so only thing i can think of is he got a vasectomy and is getting testing post op to confirm no more swimmers.
Obvious question is why share that with my wife? Case of gross over-sharing, or does she have an interest in him having no sperm?

Inappropriate and unacceptable either way.

THE CHOICE: -Should I confront my wife with the little evidence that I have, to see if she comes clean? Or at the least see how she reacts? It could potentially bring out a confession, or it may prompt her to stop or curb her & his inappropriate behaviour.

(I’m aware this is essentially trying to control her, but seems wrong to not act on the only intel i have, and will likely ever have- especially if it stops it from whatever this is escalating further?)

Or

-Should I shut up, surrender all control/ influence for now and hope for the best and continue with my MAP until I’m at an SMV where i clearly have options, dread is clearly in play, and I can confidently pull the “fuck me or fuck you” talk? Maybe i go off and have my own fling too when he opportunity comes up.

IF i confront her, it will basically be me laying out printed versions of screenshots and simply asking for an explanation. If she is totally dismissive and refuses to explain, i could either walk away and go back to my MAP, accepting that I may never know how deep the betrayal goes.

OR I could escalate in a couple of ways: -I could say that it will be interesting to see what HIS wife thinks of the screenshots. I KNOW that will induce panic in her. Might squeeze out a confession (less likely), or outright hostility (more likely). AND/OR: -make the point that if we are to trust each-other, we can’t lie or keep secrets from each other: hand over my phone & code, say she can look at anything. I expect the same from her if she has nothing to hide. If she outright refuses, then I know she’s got something there to hide.

The above choice is tearing me in different directions. -I can handle the confrontation, not scared of that- happy to do it if necessary. -I don’t want to introduce control & force her in a direction, as I do think that will just breed resentment in the long run.

Its very much a situation of they both have as much to lose as each other. I know they both want to keep their families intact. But they clearly want to have their cake and eat it too.

I know that I don’t want to control her, i’d want her to be attracted to me more and WANT to be with me rather than anyone else. BUT it equally feels so fucking wrong to “surrender” and basically give her free reign to carry on a fling with someone else.

Sorry for the wall of text, or if i’ve missed some posting requirements

Just hoping for some help & insight from men more experienced than me.