Could use some help processing...

Countpudyoola · 2015-01-16T16:15:24+00:00

When I have a bunch of emotional b.s. and mindspeak crawling through my brain (whether I put it there or it was words from another) I find meditation helps me compartmentalize and jettison the excess crap.

They do or don't have sex based on other reasons and you have to just stop caring and initiate when you want it. Sometimes we pretend to listen for their benefit...sometimes they put in some visible cues and not-starfish for our benefit. Just start working on :it-doesn't-matter.

It's a crappy thing when they say it's "not for them" , because they're compartmentalizing a specific "physical" need to try to drive a conversation. They may not have the same need exactly like us for sex. But they have other needs that get facilitated and stem from this interaction whether they want to face that music or not. So when they say that they're either missing the bigger picture, or trying to frame the conversation. No matter their intent, unless you learn to ignore how we hear that and let it go out the other ear, it gets stuck in the wrong place in your head.

If any girls are reading... you may think this statement may help with some point you are trying to make. But it never does, is useless to us, and is frequently a mental road block we then have to waste valuable emotional time getting over.

NoMoreBetaBitch · 2015-01-16T16:47:05+00:00

There are two issues here: Her conscious and subconscious views of herself sexually, and your sexual needs being met.

She needs to seek counseling for her issues. As her husband, you cannot shoulder the burden of helping her through this trauma. It will be a difficult path for both of you, as her sexuality will ebb and flow dramatically through this process.

As far as your needs go, you aren't doing what you need to do to ensure they can be met (you've stopped kino, etc.). Pick up your home game and see what happens. If you continue to get starfish and it's not working for you, it is well within your frame to walk away from sex at that time. If you are willing to take starfish as she works through her issues, as long as it's out in the open, that's an in frame beta decision as well. It just depends on what works for your situation.

At the end of it though, if your needs cannot be fulfilled because of where she is, and she's not willing to address those issues, you will need to make a decision for the future.

castlecrasher2 · 2015-01-16T17:14:48+00:00

I believe two comfort tests were missed: the first when she exposed past abuse and the second when she said she doesn't feel appreciated. You shouldn't bend over and proclaim your adoration for her when these come up but you should respond with a genuine, intimate response.

For the first, she's asking for reassurance of security, like "honey, you're not more safe anywhere than with me." She's not confessing an experience, she's unintentionally asking you to be her oak.

For the second, I would agree and amplify and I usually do when my wife complains about this. My examples are her cooking which is genuinely delicious or her cleaning which is thorough, minus when she has morning sickness from pregnancy. It's as simple as saying things like "you're right! I never notice or thank you when you clean up, like the kitchen you cleaned today! Or the amazing chicken parmigiana you made last night! You're useless!" Since you didn't defuse her at this point she went defcon 2 on you.

wombatinaburrow · 2015-01-19T07:00:07+00:00

This might be stating the obvious; but get her to the dr to access support for her dealing with her sexual assault (the trauma re emerging post childbirth is pretty common). She'll be screened for PND at the same time. I would be very surprised if she didn't have it.

3 kids under 5yo is exhausting. Bone tired, falling asleep in the shower type exhausting. Exercise and rest will help, but don't expect her to be bright eyed and bushy tailed until Jr is 9 months old at least.

Does she have any home help? A cleaning service is worth it's weight in gold. If someone's mopping the floor and scrubbing the bathroom, she's not doing it one handed, with the baby on her hip and the toddlers trying to drink the bleach or unplug the vacuum.

If she's keen to head back to the gym, encourage her to have a couple of sessions with a personal trainer who specializes in post natal exercise in order to reduce the risk of injury.

exbp · 2015-01-16T19:16:04+00:00

I heard more detail about your arms than I did about the "shit storm" of "lost frame", so not much to go on. Her anxiety is going to increase as your SMV improves and you need to prove to her that the frame is improving too. This will be the thing that puts pressure on her to keep up with you. Dread is proof that you're attractive and very useful, but she will think your SMV is only "skin deep" if you fail shit tests.

She "doesn't feel appreciated" means you're probably expecting more of her, withholding some affection and she feels like she's only useful to you as a vagina. Good. "You don't appreciate me" is no different than "Do I look fat in these jeans?", it's a reflection of her anxiety and answering it just makes it grow in her eyes. Deflect, A&A or ignore. "You know what I appreciate? That hot ass of yours [slips hand under skirt]"

For me the starfish is slowly improving a little bit here and there. I try to dominate and push the normal boundaries a little more every time.

BluepillProfessor · 2015-01-16T22:38:24+00:00

I haven't been smacking her ass, touching her or "escalating" during the day and have pulled back from touching her really even kissing her.

THIS is your problem. Get back in the swing and swat that ass. Light nonsexual Kino, instigate, isolate, escalate to heavy intimate Kino, then fuck. Also, get your wife a gym membership!

ivebeencaught · 2015-01-16T23:00:14+00:00

Well I hardly want the starfish that I've been getting but I haven't led on that I was bothered by it, I just took it when I needed to get off. I have been rejected seldom recently, and when I don't get rejected it's hardly enthusiastic sex. So lately, I haven't been smacking her ass, touching her or "escalating" during the day and have pulled back from touching her really even kissing her.

Does she know this is why you have pulled back on the escalations? Or are you silently punishing her? Have you created a covert contract? Have you told her what you want/expect from her in the bedroom? I know it isn't fun to have to tell your wife to sexy it up in the bedroom, she should just WANT to do that for you, right?

On the other had she really wants to please you! Sex is "just for you". Let me rephrase this. I LOVE Korean food, my wife hates it. The smell, texture, everything about it. But she cooks it for me, several times a month, because I want it so much. I know she does this because she is trying to make me happy, because I show a great deal of appreciation/rewards for what she is doing for me and even more because I know she is only cooking it because I like it.

You are currently punishing your wife for not participating in sex the way you want her to. So first of all tell her that when you want a starfish you will tie her up and blindfold her. In the meantime you will get some changes in the bedroom if she wants affection from you and then tell her what you want as a minimum in the bedroom. Give her a list of mix these up, but do some of them frequently.

You didn't say what you did as a reaction to your wife telling you about the abuse or her difficulty with sex. You only hinted that her physical appearance might not be quite what you want. Is she getting the professional help she may need to get through that trauma? (If you best friend had PTSD and fireworks set him off what would you do on the 4th of July? How would you treat him if you knew he went to a celebration, that had fireworks, because it was for you?) You wife not desiring sex has nothing to do with you, stop making it about your ego. Get her the help she needs.

roe_ · 2015-01-17T03:28:08+00:00

Relevant MMSL article

If she's dealing with past sexual trauma, establishing a sense of agency over when sex happens or not will go a long way towards a more comfortable attitude in her.

Probably counselling needed.

I know this is against "red pill" standard advice, but when DW had the "brain won't shut up/thinking mile-a-minute/can't just enjoy it" a good 20 minutes of comfort-building beta (full-body message, hot bath, whatever) worked wonders.

UEMcGill · 2015-01-17T17:36:49+00:00

You have every right to get your needs met, and the only way that'll get done is by asking for it. If trauma is holding her back, she needs to fix that.

Without being there, I'm guessing, but an educated guess, that she is making excuses to you. Women communicate covertly, so don't take her words at face value. She's trying to get you to feel guilty for her short comings. She says "I was abused" which is guilt-speak for "stop asking I have an excuse why". She tells you "the sex is for you" again guilt-speak for "I shouldn't have to feel pressured. "

Sit her down, independent of sex and be completely upfront with her. This is time for nuclear dread. Tell her "if you have on-going mental health issues from past abuse address these right now. I wouldn't ignore you with a heart attack, and I won't ignore this. I show love through sexual affection and I need it in return. If you can't do that, let me know."

If you've read MMSLP this would be a stage 5 of the MAP. Your wife is an energy vampire. She wants affection and validation, but won't give you what you need. The key is, you need to be prepared to walk. She may get better, and then revert, or she may call your bluff so you have to be prepared 100% to follow through.

The thing is she may never give you what you want. Are you prepared to live that way?

whinemoreplease · 2015-01-16T16:08:34+00:00

My thoughts is if she's not going to make the effort to please you sexually, make it clear that you will find someone who will. Use dread.

Title	Could use some help processing...
Author	Onlythrowaway1111
Upvotes	5
Comments	10
Date	January 16, 2015 3:38 PM UTC (11 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/MarriedRedPill
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/marriedredpill/comments/2smwlw/could_use_some_help_processing/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/MarriedRedPill/could-use-some-help-processing.202671 https://theredarchive.com/post/202671

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